"As the parties may agree....."

"...as the parties may agree." ~ Page 6, Line 4 of my divorce settlement agreement.

This one little phrase is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to divorce decrees, particularly as it relates to child custody and support arrangements. First, I must say that negotiating a divorce settlement agreement is one of the most stressful, frustrating, and emotionally draining endeavors in life. There's a lot of quibbling just for the sake of quibbling, a lot of leveraging, many threats (both real and totally bogus) and it just wears you out. Even if you feel like you are competent and intelligent, I highly recommend having someone else do the heavy lifting for you (I'm an attorney and it was even a bit much for me, more so from an emotional standpoint than an intellectual one.... it's like writing your own eulogy. Not fun).

There is much debate over whether the State Parenting Guidelines are fair and reasonable, and whether it would just be better to work it out between the two parents and forget all the court involvement. Yea, that SOUNDS like a good idea, until you try and put it into practice. The phrase "as the parties may agree" only works when that last little word actually occurs.... AGREE. I'm sorry to tell you, loved ones, there's not much of this going on when you are newly divorced. I'm not even talking about things that are or are not in the best interests of the child(ren)..... even assuming that both parents do what's best for their kids, there's a whole lot of other room to make things difficult on the parents.

Example: The State Parenting Guidelines state that whichever parent is receiving the child to begin their parenting time is responsible for pick up, and such pick up is to occur at 6:00pm. So that means when The Ex is to have my daughter for the weekend, he is supposed to pick her up at 6pm on Friday, and I pick her up from him at 6pm on Sunday. Now throw "as the parties may agree" into the mix. Now it becomes "Can you drop Daughter off to me at 7:36 pm over in the Target parking lot? I can't come pick her up" or "I'm not sure what time I'm going to be there, probably around 6:45" and he shows up at 7:45 because I told him I have to be somewhere at 7:00 and he assumes that it's for a date (when that wasn't even the case at all.... not that it should have even mattered). So then I'm less inclined to stick to the 6pm guideline and make him work around whatever I've got going on..... you see what a mess this becomes? And I go through this every single weekend on both Friday AND Sunday (because my son stays with him and my daughter stays with me, we each get both kids every other weekend). And I don't even want to THINK about how we are going to divvy up the holidays, though I need to start having that convo with The Ex ASAP.......

Contrast this with my friend who gets his son every other weekend. He and his son's mother meet at the same place at the same time every other Friday and Sunday. He knows which holidays are his and which holidays are hers. I'm quite sure it has it's drawbacks, but the key appealing factor from my perspective is PREDICTABILITY. When you know what is to occur when, you can plan around it.... you're not constantly trying to hit a moving target suspended from the emotional whims of the other person. If he or she gets mad at you, the rules and guidelines don't change. They're all there in black and white, no debate over interpretation, follow the court order and go on with life.

In hindsight, I wish I would have been more specific in my divorce settlement agreement and left that troublesome little phrase out. I think I took off my contract attorney hat and pushed it a little too far away (plus I was just trying to get things over with). Contracts aren't for when things are going well, they are for when things go WRONG, and there is SO much that can go wrong when dealing with co-parenting arrangements and divorce. The less gray area you leave, the better. Even if you don't like the State Parenting Guidelines, it's best to go ahead and spell out your own just as specifically and detailed as the State Guidelines are..... pick up and drop off dates, holiday schedules, school break schedules, etc. Because just leaving it to "as the parties may agree" leaves you stuck with no recourse when you aren't able to agree.

Do it by the book, loved ones...... do it by the book.



**NOTE** After I wrote this, I went to go pick up Son from The Ex, 2 days early because he's on fall break (which he didn't tell me about until, um, yesterday afternoon.... luckily I hadn't taken an assignment that would have had me working through the weekend). The Ex told me he'd be ready at 9:00pm. Ex calls around 8 and asks me if I've made dinner because he hasn't fed Son yet (????) and was debating on whether to start dinner.... I tell him I already have dinner ready and waiting. I get out to The Ex's girlfriend's house (again, where he lives) at the appointed time (9pm) and send my daughter up to the door.... she comes back and says "[Son] is eating." DAMMIT IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE HIM READY AT 9, HAVE HIM READY AT 9!!! Needless to say, I was a little PO'd for having to sit out in front of this woman's house waiting for this child to finish dinner when I'd already discussed the issue an hour before. And I was hungry, which makes me cranky. But this is EXACTLY the mess I'm talking about......