We can't be friends

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the sucker nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent Baby Momma #1 ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse.  I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

Mine!

I'm almost this happy.

One thing I always emphasize about divorce is that it is not a single event in a person's life. It's a long, drawn out, step by step process that begins and  ends long before and after the divorce decree is signed. It is less a break than it is a detangling, constantly untying connections to your former spouse.  Even after the ink is dry and the assets and liabilities (in theory) have been divided up, there is still the process of changing names,  removing names, signing over legal ownership, closing accounts, changing addresses, and so on and so forth. As much as you may be  ready to be totally rid of this person, the reality is that undoing your connected lives takes time.

I recently had a major event happen for me: I bought a new car!  Somehow, some way, I managed to gain mind control over some car dealer and got them to sell me a car despite the financial wreckage that I was left with post-divorce. The car is very nice, very similar to my faithful Honda Civic, a sexy-but-not-cutesy little car in a lovely shade of Black Cherry ("Her name is Cherry, we just met....."), Bluetooth, satellite radio, all the things I could ask for in a (relatively inexpensive) car. I dug my heels in and feel like I negotiated a good deal on it (considering my financial  situation). The salesman kept asking me why I wasn't more excited and smiling. Part of it was sheer disbelief, waiting for the manager to poke his head in saying they'd made a mistake, part of it is my usual hesitancy at making big ticket purchases, and part of it was game face. I actually really was happy to get such a nice car so soon, but my face didn't REALLY light up until I realized one fact: My ex husband's name would no longer be on my vehicle. *happy dance*

When I was married The Ex and I owned two vehicles, so logically we each took our primary vehicles in the divorce. His got repossessed, but I managed to keep paying mine despite my roller coaster job and money situation. Although according to our divorce decree said I got the Civic and he got the SUV, legally we were both owners of each vehicle. My title still had his name on it; the registration was in both of our names. Majority of the time it wasn't an issue (except for the time I even almost got stuck with a default judgment on unpaid parking tickets because they were sending notices to him and not to me) and practically speaking it didn't matter that his name was still on the car.  But psychologically I was a little miffed seeing his name each time I renewed my registration.  I just wanted to be rid of him altogether (well, as much as possible considering we still have kids together).

When I purchased my new car they gave me a rebate for switching from Honda to Kia so I had to give them my registration, and the reminder came again. Then as I was negotiating my price the sales guy reminded me that my previous car loan had a co-signer and he was trying to get me a good rate without one. That's when it really hit me. This is going to be MY car. Mine. Nobody else's. It won't belong to that legal fiction of one person that marriage is considered to be. I have total control over this vehicle; I can say where it goes and doesn't go and nobody can use it without my permission. I don't have to worry about a 300 lb person flopping down in my seats bending the edges and scraping up the trim, getting gum on the seats that he promises to clean off and never does, or just generally treating my car like crap because he's careless and doesn't care because it's not his.  I can also rid myself of the reminder of a time when I was scared out of my mind when my car got vandalized by The Ex (he still swears he didn't do it, but I know he had someone do it.... shit like that doesn't happen on its own randomly).  But more than just the vehicle itself, my new car represents another step away from my old life and toward my new one.  Another step in the right direction.

It's all Family (a Recant)

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech".  The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge).  I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge.  Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself).  I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son.  He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little.  It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle.  I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross).  Yes, I know this.  We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed.  However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten.  Kids have embarassing nicknames.  It happens.  And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2.  As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool.  Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true.  But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid.  I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well.  That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault."  His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said.  And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2.  The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life.  Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it.  I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life.  Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims.  But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger.  Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are.  Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me.  He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present.  I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with.  It was just family. 

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and rally against the forces of evil be BFFs.  No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic.  But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes.  Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose.  It's all family.

Leave me out of it

In the midst of starting riots on Twitter today with my discussions regarding whether having a baby is an effective (though not very efficient or long lasting) means of getting a man to the altar, I get a phone call from The Ex:

Ex:  Have you talked to your mom today?

Me: No.....

Ex: Ok, well have you talked to Daughter today?

Me: Um, no..... why? *confused look*

Ex: So as far as you know she's still in school?

Me: ....... uh, yea..... *starting to worry*

Ex: Ok then.  Lies... just lies......

Me: What the hell is going on??

Ex: Oh I just got a message from [New Baby Momma] saying that Daughter was at the hospital with my ex-mother-in-law and son.  Never mind, she's playing games.

Me:  Um.... ok.......

This little dialogue left me scratching my head wondering...... my mother is notorious for not telling people bad news, but if it's something with my kids she would have been blowing my phone up.  Plus the fact that I would have received a call from the school.  So I called him back to clarify whether she may have been talking about Little Meech (their son) and her ex-mother-in-law (I don't know if she has one though) at the hospital with her daughter, and he says no, the message specifically said our daughter's name.  Apparently ole girl called his job, left a message, then called him on his cell and said "check your messages" and hung up.

This would all make for just another amusing antidote to my otherwise dull day except for one thing: She's involving my children, which necessarily involves me.  Had she chosen any other subject to lie on, I would have never known and my day could have gone along it's smooth and merry way, and I could have continued to stir up drama on Twitter with my inquires on what actually gets men to the altar.  But her stupid games caused me to have to worry about the well-being of my children and question the courtesy and sanity of my mother.

Thus far I have taken a neutral stance when it comes to this woman.  She is, plain and simply, not my problem.  Slight amusement, yes; problem, no.  Today's tomfoolery, however, has that once neutral balance tipping in a negative direction.  Apparently this woman did not think (or care) that if she causes some panic in The Ex based on a lie she told about our kids that it would also cause the same level of concern with me.  I become collateral damage in their little battle over goodness knows what and who cares.  That is where I draw the line.  They can play the cliche Baby Momma/Baby Daddy war games, but the second that my children and/or I get drawn into it, there will be problems.  This whole scenario has the makings of very bad business, and I want no parts of it.  I certainly hope he checks her on this and this is the first and last time I have to be involved in their new-age ghetto mess.  But if not..... well, we'll see where that adventure goes.

******************************************************************

UPDATE:  As it turns out, and I should have known, The Ex had it all wrong.  I should have went with my first mind and said "wait, that doesn't sound right" but I'd asked and second guessed, and he insisted that Baby Momma #2 was playing games.  He got the message all wrong, but instead of confirming first he called me and got me involved.  Hot messery.... leave me out of it.

Karma is a bitch.... with child

Ok, I think I'm finally ready to write about this.

I know that the frequency of my "adventures" have decreased dramatically, which is a good thing for me (but not so good when maintaining a blog about Adventures in Divorce). However, my ex-husband always manages to keep the party live and send me on brand new adventures, whether I care to go or not.

So a few weeks ago, The Ex texts me on a random Tuesday and tells me that I must go pick up the kids immediately, that he's had to leave town and they are home by themselves. No explanation aside from "I have an emergency out of town" which would be plausible had he actually traveled to the west coast where his family lives, not the next state over. Then he tells me he'll be back "in a few days, maybe by Friday". I ask Son what's going on and he says his dad needed to go out of town "for work or something". Needless to say, I was a little pissed because I had no way to plan for the kids being around (i.e. food in the house, logistical coordination for practices and activities, etc.) however, at that point I had no choice but to go get my children, and he knew that which is why he did it.

Friday rolls around and because I was planning to go out of town that evening, I sent The Ex a text to confirm that he would be back that afternoon to get the kids. His response: "I'll be back Sunday night." Can you say R-A-G-E?? I launched a text assault the likes of which have not been seen since AD 2007. I told him he was inconsiderate, un-trustworthy, and to at least give me the same level of courtesy that he would give someone on the street. I didn't even wait for responses, I had to get all that out because I was sick of being bullied and punked by him because he knew I would not do wrong by my kids. Oddly, though, all he kept saying was "Sorry, I had an emergency" which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. Then all the sudden he calls me and says he has to tell me what's going on, and this is what he says:

"I have another kid."

I burst out laughing. Not as loud and hearty as I wanted to because I was at work, but I guarantee the people in the office on the other side of the hallway door heard me. My initial laughter came from the fact that not 10 minutes earlier I had jokingly tweeted that I suspected the reason he had to rush out of town so abruptly-- and had forewarned me that he would need to do so at the beginning of the summer -- was that he'd knocked some side chick up and had to rush to see the baby born. I was dead on; turns out he got a chick pregnant that he was fooling around with during a "break up" with his main boo, who coincidentally and inexplicably I had the occasion to meet (Sidenote: his boo thang of 3 years couldn't have kids, which was specifically a reason he told me he got with her in the first place so he wouldn't have to worry about that). My second wave of laughter came from the sheer absurdity of the fact that he didn't tell our kids (or anyone else aside from his momma and his BFF) ahead of time. I mean, who does that?? And how old are we??? One of my Twitter friends summed it up best: "That was mighty hood of him." And my most prevalent reason for my outburst was gratitude for Karma coming in and delivering a better payback for all his BS antics toward me than I could ever imagine or pull off myself. Forget keying his crappy car or kicking over his motorcycle, the Universe did it 1000 times better. Karma is a bitch.... with child.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know some of what I am talking about..... fighting my friends, spray painting my car, being inconsiderate with pick ups and drop offs, regularly calling me out of my name, and a myriad of other bitchassed behaviors that any other XY who calls himself a man would be embarrassed to even think about. But what stuck out to me the most was an incident last year at Son's football fundraiser where he thought I said I was pregnant (and I felt no need or desire to correct is erroneous assumptions simply because I knew it would piss him off) and hurled all kinds of horrible insults at me via text about how irresponsible and stupid I was, and almost got into a fight with my beau right there in the bingo hall. Just foolishness. Who's the irresponsible one now, huh??

Some of my friends have asked how I feel about this whole situation, thinking that maybe I would be upset that he's "moved on" or that he has a child with someone other than me. Please.  I could care less.  Aside from the Maury-like curiosity factor and the fact that how can you not like a baby (especially one that looks uncannily similar to your first born).  Hopefully this will help him move on and stop using our old joint e-mail address with my initials and our anniversary date. I just hope that he steps up and takes care of this child and is around for my children's sake, so that they can have a relationship with their younger brother (I am very big on treating step-siblings like whole siblings). Daughter is ecstatic already, but Son is still upset about it (and for good reason..... we're telling him to be safe and careful when it comes to sex, and his dad goes out and does the exact opposite?? Way to lead by example, Dad). I bear no ill will against this woman, or this innocent baby (despite calling him Little Meech because his name is extremely similar to my Son's name). I will do nothing to discourage the relationship between my kids and their new sibling. I'm actually glad I didn't have to be the one to introduce the concept of a new sibling to my kids. If I have any more children, this issue will be old hat to them.

So congrats to The Ex on the new addition to his, um, family.... on acquiring a Baby Momma #2 and becoming a Baby Daddy once again.  My condolences to him on losing his cougar and now having to continue to have her as a boss after getting another woman pregnant.  And best wishes actually having to deal with the child support and state guideline visitation system (which he does not have to deal with from me). Maybe he'll appreciate me more, who knows.

Yes, loved ones, this particular adventure has just begun......