Tick......Tock........

When I was younger, I never really understood the big deal behind the biological clock.  Why were these late 20 and 30-something chicks all up in a tither about having kids?  I mean, it'll happen when it happens (as everything happens just as it should), right?  Modern medical technology makes age less of a concern, no?  And it always seems like folks are getting pregnant by accident all the damn time anyway, so just chill out.....

Then I turned 31.

At 30, I still wasn't too concerned about the issue.  Granted, my son will be in college in 2 years and my daughter will be in high school in 3, but thanks to this effed up road I've taken in my life those factors still didn't outweigh the fact that I am still a relatively young women, and the vast majority of women in my circle-- including both my sisters-- had kids in their 30's or have yet to even have children.  So realistically, I'm comfortably within the norm.

However, as I'm rounding the bend and heading toward my 32nd birthday this summer, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried just a little bit.  Ok, maybe quite a bit.  I'm remembering how much trouble and discomfort I had with my daughter when I was only 21..... I developed high blood pressure, had constant excruciating headaches, and had to go for extra tests and screenings (including carrying around a jug I had to pee in for 24 hours... ugh) to make sure I didn't develop preeclampsia, a potentially life threatening condition.  Fast forward 10 years, when generally you start to notice that you don't have as much energy and "snap back" as you used to, combined with the fact that I still have blood pressure issues..... it has me hearing the tick, tock, tick of that bio clock myself.

Aside from the health issues, I also have a number of situational factors that cause me concern.  First, as mentioned, I have a SERIOUS age gap issue with my existing kids, though toting a diaper bag to my son's freshman orientation is not as serious of a concern, particularly considering how early I started.  The bigger concern, however, is relationship timing.  I at least am over the first hurdle..... I do have a beau, I love him dearly, and I could see us together for the long haul.  But I want to be married before I have anymore kids.... do it "right" at least one time out of three.  However, he plans on going to grad school soon.  So take my age this year (32) add on 3 years for a master's program, and that puts me at 35, the magic age when pregnancies officially become "high risk".  Yes, both of our mothers had kids past the age of 35 who are perfectly fine.  But I am not looking forward to the major bodily ass whooping that pregnancy is going to increasingly lay on me as the years go on. 

I don't want to put any pressure on him or give him any kind of "ultimatums" (which I hate), but facts are facts, worries are worries, concerns are concerns, reality is reality.  He tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to happen..... no, it'll happen when I decide it's gonna happen due to a little thing called an I.U.D. that has to be removed before any show can get on the road.  There's no "Oops!  I guess this was just supposed to happen now!" possibility going on here.  My womb is protected like Brinks. 

I told myself that 35 was my cut off, that after that I'd just have to be happy with my two wonderful children and that there'd be no more womb fresh babies for me.  I know this is something for which I have no choice but to wait and see what happens, and whatever happens I'll just have to accept it.  But, like many, many, many realizations in my life, now that I'm in the situation I see the dilemma and hear that clock.