A Lesson in Privilege

Attorney-client privilege is a legal concept that protects communications between a client and his or her attorney and keeps those communications confidential.

The policy underlying this privilege is that of encouraging open and honest communication between clients and attorneys, which is thought to promote obedience to law and reduce the chance of illegal behavior, whether intentional or inadvertent. As such, the attorney-client privilege is considered as one of the strongest privileges available under law.

(thanks, Wikipedia!)

This past weekend I went to go visit my best friend from law school in DC.... just to run away from my problems get away and hang out and because I missed her and didn't get to come out for the Inauguration. I finally got to meet her partner boyfriend gentleman caller dude who'd been eagerly awaiting to meet me for the past 2 years because I am the Best Friend.... he'd met everyone else in her inner circle but me and our other close friend. So today were were having our daily e-mail convo and turns out that our beaus tried to have the exact same convo starting off with this question:

"So what did y'all talk about and say about me??"

And this, loved ones, is where the next law-inspired lesson comes in..... the concept of privilege.

First of all, I may have to burst you men's bubbles and say that we don't talk about you constantly like you see in the movies and on TV....we are not all relationship crazed, obsessive, can't breathe or live without you chicks. At least, my friends aren't. We have other interests, other aspects of our lives. But even when we do have our discussions, these conversations are subject to privilige similar to the aformentioned attorney-client privilege..... we are not going to tell you everything that was said and discussed, nor should we be expected to or have to. Conversations between close friends should be non-discoverable (i.e. we should not be asked to produce evidence of them or repeat their substance) for many of the same reasons that conversations between attorneys and clients should be privileged.

Everyone needs a confidant.... someone they can share all their deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with without fear of repercussions or being judged. It's necessary to get those things out and sort through them, and it's even more helpful when you have a sounding board and can get feedback from someone who knows you and cares about you. You need to have someone you can get totally raw with.... someone you can vent to. And sometimes you need someone who you can be totally irreverent and flippant with, but because they know you and know where you're coming from, they know where your heart and mind are really at. Knowing that such conversations may be discoverable (in the legal sense of the word, meaning that you have to produce them if requested) hinders open communication. This is why the attorney client privilege is so strong..... the policy is to make sure people can be totally open and honest so that they can get the best representation/help possible.

There are just things you say to friends and a way of saying such things to friends that are only appropriate for friends and are not fit to be repeated. While this may seem like this is how you TRULY feel, I say you are only getting a fraction of the picture from it. Think about it.... how often have you heard a man bitch and moan about his wife, but loves her to pieces? Or heard a friend completely go OFF about her dude and the next week they are closer than.... well, I was gonna say Bobby and Whitney over a crack pipe, but that's a little dated. Anyway, this goes for men AND women..... I really don't care to know what you and your boys said about me, harmless or not. If you care to disclose it (waiver of privilege) then fine, but I'm not going to petition the court for an in camera review and force you to share it with me. I treat conversations with close friends like a diary.... it's not for my eyes, and you may say things in that situation that you wouldn't say otherwise.

So with that said..... don't bother asking your SO to repeat a conversation that may or may not have occurred about you. It's against the friendship privilege, and you will get an objection that has no other option than to be sustained.

Case dismissed.

(I am not a litigator, BTW *shudder*)

(oh, and corollary to this concept is don't bother asking your SO's friend for information.... you are not going to get a straight answer. Like a good attorney, friends are not allowed to waive the privilege on another person's behalf. Serious ethical violation, loved ones.)