Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

April 14, 2009

$%*& Honesty! (a rant)

And now, before I proceed to do my taxes at the last freaking minute, a rant [insert standard disclaimer on the use of the F-word here]. On honesty.....

Pardon my French, but fuck honesty. *gasp* Ok, so I don't mean that generally.... honesty is (usually) the best policy. But I'm sick of being bamboozled into being honest about ish that is pointless and moot and only serves to cause problems instead of creating solutions. My attitude is this: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to! And the corollary to this is if you do want to know the answer, know what you're going to do with that answer if and when you get it..... good or bad. Don't LIE to a person and tell them "It's ok, you can be honest, I won't get upset" or "I'd rather you be honest with me about this than tell me what I want to hear." BULLSHIT!!!! Jack Nicholson had it right.... You (meaning most people) can't HANDLE the truth! I'm starting to think that people prefer to be lied to. Last time I got bamboozled into being "honest, cuz I won't get mad...." I ultimately ended up here. You thought I would have learned my lesson..... guess not.

So this past weekend I had an Ex Encounter (an ex, not The Ex).... two, actually (same person). Once on Thursday when I was out with my girl, the second one was when I was out with my beau on Saturday. I hadn't spoken to this person in MONTHS, even when we were in the same places, but for some reason this past weekend we actually spoke, which is fine and good because I don't like pretending not to know someone when I OBVIOUSLY do.... that's childish and petty and we should be beyond that as adults..... right? But what was NOT fine and good was that my beau got upset when he walked by and said hi to me the second time I saw him out, and was even MORE upset when I got up to go to the bathroom and ran into said ex and stopped to tell him to please not step on toes like that (whether it was toe stepping is a debate for another blog post). Thought I handled it well.... right? Apparently not. So then comes the fight discussion about whether I should be cordial to this individual, whether I should still be friends with other individuals (don't worry, loved ones.... that post is in progress, but I had to get this rant out) and ultimately it came down to the question of "Do you still love this dude?"

(Time out: Anyone who has ever truly been in love with a person and then breaks up with said person knows that those feelings don't go away the moment you say "It's over." And there are some people that you will always have love for, even though you know and accept that it just wasn't meant to be. "Love" is way too inadequate of a word for the range of emotions and states and statuses it encompasses. The way I love my kids is not the same way I love my parents is not the same way I love my friends is not the same way I love my beau.... but they all use the same word. Love and Love are not synonyms.)

So back to the question..... being that the word "love" is inadequate, I tried to explain the exact nature of the love I have for this person (and another person who is a good friend of the opposite gender and is an entirely different genre of "love"), and that I will probably always "love" this person to a degree, but it's not a "love" that I am actively pursuing. It sits on a back corner of a shelf in basement where I've put it over the past several months. But once again, I get accused of "lawyering" and he just wants a one word answer: Yes or No. Well fine then, in that case I have to say yes, even though it's much more complex than that.

I should have just fucking lied.

Because if I had lied and said no, or just told him what he wanted to hear, everything would be hunky dory right now and I wouldn't be engaged in the Mexican stand-off of silent treatments and missing out on a prime week of nookie. I should have ignored the Siren-like lull of "I just want you to be honest with me" (as I crash and die on the rocks). My attitude and actions before that answer and after that answer didn't change a bit. So what's the MFing point???

(and hell, I even wrote about this a few weeks ago. And once again, I've been dammed for doing. FML.)

Personally, I only like random bits of useless information when it comes to trivia, not people. If I know of a problem or issue, I want to fix it. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know how you feel about your ex, I don't want to know how many people you diddled before me (just that you're healthy), I don't want to know the details of what happened in that relationship purgatory when we were kickin' it but not an official couple..... because what am I going to do about any of those things??? If you seek out information, you will surely find it, and once you know something you can't un-know it. So then you have to do something with that knowledge. You only have a few options: (1) stay together and forget about it or (2) break up. Holding that info over a person's head is NOT acceptable. So just don't fucking ask if you're not willing to either do (1) or (2) if you get an answer you don't like.

Ok, this is getting long, and I still have to do my taxes, but I'm pissed right now for getting conned into being honest and getting dinged for it (once again). I wish I could say honesty in and of itself is its own incentive, but fuck that..... I'm not getting much positive reinforcement for the practice of honesty these days.

(and fuck my taxes, too.... I'll do 'em tomorrow. I'm tired.)

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Teej said...

Okay first of all....breathe baby breathe!

Second of all....like always baby do I feel you! I remember a situation with my ex where I told the God's honest truth about something that I coulda lied about and boy did the shit hit the fan.

The simple fact of the minute is most people are stupid and most people truly cant handle the truth. Not saying said stupid people are one in the same, but Im saying.....

April 14, 2009 at 10:37 PM  
Anonymous willnik said...

Speak the truth! If you ain't ready for it, don't ask

April 14, 2009 at 10:48 PM  
Anonymous Kela said...

Oh how I agree with you!! I can't stand it when people ask questions that they really don't want the answer to and then blame me for answering the question honestly. WTH!!

Women are also famous for this. I've known many women to ask their beau a question (some of the same questions you mentioned in your post...when we weren't official, how many other girls were you dating?) and then hold it over their heads for telling them the truth. First off, I don't know why you're even mad if you weren't exclusive at the time and secondly, why the hell did you ask if you didn't want the truth?

You're right, most people can't handle the truth, but swear up and down that they hate being lied to. Personally, I love the truth. I'd rather have that information on which I can base my final decision than to base it on a lie. Tell me the TRUTH and if you don't want the truth from me, DON'T ASK!

Hmmm...I guess this was own little personal rant, huh? Sorry.

April 15, 2009 at 7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anesidora said...

@Kela: Counter-rants are perfectly acceptable here at AID. :)

April 15, 2009 at 8:10 AM  
Anonymous VerbFashion said...

As Kanye said "You get mad when you know so just don't ask me no more"

People always want to know things that you know they cannot handle. But what are you left to do but be honest? Either you don't tell them and they get mad because you won't or you do tell them and they get mad because they know.

Where is the win in such situations?

April 16, 2009 at 12:25 AM  

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Adventures in Divorce: $%*& Honesty! (a rant)

$%*& Honesty! (a rant)

And now, before I proceed to do my taxes at the last freaking minute, a rant [insert standard disclaimer on the use of the F-word here]. On honesty.....

Pardon my French, but fuck honesty. *gasp* Ok, so I don't mean that generally.... honesty is (usually) the best policy. But I'm sick of being bamboozled into being honest about ish that is pointless and moot and only serves to cause problems instead of creating solutions. My attitude is this: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to! And the corollary to this is if you do want to know the answer, know what you're going to do with that answer if and when you get it..... good or bad. Don't LIE to a person and tell them "It's ok, you can be honest, I won't get upset" or "I'd rather you be honest with me about this than tell me what I want to hear." BULLSHIT!!!! Jack Nicholson had it right.... You (meaning most people) can't HANDLE the truth! I'm starting to think that people prefer to be lied to. Last time I got bamboozled into being "honest, cuz I won't get mad...." I ultimately ended up here. You thought I would have learned my lesson..... guess not.

So this past weekend I had an Ex Encounter (an ex, not The Ex).... two, actually (same person). Once on Thursday when I was out with my girl, the second one was when I was out with my beau on Saturday. I hadn't spoken to this person in MONTHS, even when we were in the same places, but for some reason this past weekend we actually spoke, which is fine and good because I don't like pretending not to know someone when I OBVIOUSLY do.... that's childish and petty and we should be beyond that as adults..... right? But what was NOT fine and good was that my beau got upset when he walked by and said hi to me the second time I saw him out, and was even MORE upset when I got up to go to the bathroom and ran into said ex and stopped to tell him to please not step on toes like that (whether it was toe stepping is a debate for another blog post). Thought I handled it well.... right? Apparently not. So then comes the fight discussion about whether I should be cordial to this individual, whether I should still be friends with other individuals (don't worry, loved ones.... that post is in progress, but I had to get this rant out) and ultimately it came down to the question of "Do you still love this dude?"

(Time out: Anyone who has ever truly been in love with a person and then breaks up with said person knows that those feelings don't go away the moment you say "It's over." And there are some people that you will always have love for, even though you know and accept that it just wasn't meant to be. "Love" is way too inadequate of a word for the range of emotions and states and statuses it encompasses. The way I love my kids is not the same way I love my parents is not the same way I love my friends is not the same way I love my beau.... but they all use the same word. Love and Love are not synonyms.)

So back to the question..... being that the word "love" is inadequate, I tried to explain the exact nature of the love I have for this person (and another person who is a good friend of the opposite gender and is an entirely different genre of "love"), and that I will probably always "love" this person to a degree, but it's not a "love" that I am actively pursuing. It sits on a back corner of a shelf in basement where I've put it over the past several months. But once again, I get accused of "lawyering" and he just wants a one word answer: Yes or No. Well fine then, in that case I have to say yes, even though it's much more complex than that.

I should have just fucking lied.

Because if I had lied and said no, or just told him what he wanted to hear, everything would be hunky dory right now and I wouldn't be engaged in the Mexican stand-off of silent treatments and missing out on a prime week of nookie. I should have ignored the Siren-like lull of "I just want you to be honest with me" (as I crash and die on the rocks). My attitude and actions before that answer and after that answer didn't change a bit. So what's the MFing point???

(and hell, I even wrote about this a few weeks ago. And once again, I've been dammed for doing. FML.)

Personally, I only like random bits of useless information when it comes to trivia, not people. If I know of a problem or issue, I want to fix it. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know how you feel about your ex, I don't want to know how many people you diddled before me (just that you're healthy), I don't want to know the details of what happened in that relationship purgatory when we were kickin' it but not an official couple..... because what am I going to do about any of those things??? If you seek out information, you will surely find it, and once you know something you can't un-know it. So then you have to do something with that knowledge. You only have a few options: (1) stay together and forget about it or (2) break up. Holding that info over a person's head is NOT acceptable. So just don't fucking ask if you're not willing to either do (1) or (2) if you get an answer you don't like.

Ok, this is getting long, and I still have to do my taxes, but I'm pissed right now for getting conned into being honest and getting dinged for it (once again). I wish I could say honesty in and of itself is its own incentive, but fuck that..... I'm not getting much positive reinforcement for the practice of honesty these days.

(and fuck my taxes, too.... I'll do 'em tomorrow. I'm tired.)

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