A Treasure Trove of Trauma

So, I recently discovered that MySpace has FINALLY given people the ability to download their old blogs.  (Remember MySpace blogs?  Remember MySpace??)  My MySpace blog was the sole and absolute reason that I still have an active MySpace account . . . . I would sign into it annually just to make sure it was still there.  The blog was a landfill buried treasure of sorts, an almost daily chronicle of my life from about 2005 to 2009.  This time period was the most "evolutionary" period of my life . . . . or, in common terms, it was when my life shit hit the fan.  However, there were some really great gems of writing in there, so I couldn't wait to get my hands on the literally hundreds of posts.

I'm not sure that was the greatest idea.

Let me clarify . . . it was very interesting to read my own writing, and there were indeed some real gems in there.  But I'm a Cancer, and we Cancerians tend to have a problem with dwelling on the past and have a hard time letting go.  Because of that, I try to keep a "present moment" attitude (with varying degrees of success).  So to go back and read through those old blog posts was like Harry Potter falling into Dumbledore's pensieve into a stored memory, and I was THERE.  All the hurt from my career and relationship disappointments came rushing back.  Needless to say, I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

I recently returned from a conference for lawyers' assistance programs, and the presenter in one of the sessions talked about the root of harmful behaviors being our desire to suppress feelings related to Trauma (big T) and trauma (little t).  Without attempting to summarize the entire presentation, basically the thing that struck me was that "little t" traumas (things like living in uncertainty, constant verbal abuse and criticism, lack of emotional support, etc.) can create the negative emotions that we seek to avoid, just as much as the "big T" Traumas (physical abuse, loss of a family member, combat, etc.) can.  (And comparing people's Traumas and traumas is pretty pointless . . . knowing you went through something truly horrific does not lessen the emotional impacts of my traumas on me.)  In that very moment, as I sat with tears streaming down my face in a conference center room full of lawyers, I realized that the partying, excessive alcohol, and other, um, "questionable" decisions made during that time period were the result of me trying to cope with my trauma, not because I was a bad person.  I was a hurt person.  And I realized that some of my "friends" during that time were merely taking advantage of the circumstances resulting from that hurt.

The therapeutic process (which was the original motivation behind AID in the first place) often involves opening and re-examining old wounds so we can understand WHY.  It's like a broken bone that doesn't set and heal correctly . . . in order to fix it properly, you have to re-break it.  And it hurts.  But there was a reason I needed to go back and read and understand what happened, what went wrong, and why I did the harmful and hurtful things I did to both myself and others.  From that understanding, though, I should be able to actually heal, instead of just trying to forget.

Maybe this has been a good idea after all.

The League of Evil Exes

(No, I didn't die or get sucked into a vortex.... I GOT ENGAGED!!  I also got a job where writing is 83.5% of my day, so it's like a chef that doesn't quite feel like cooking gourmet meals for herself at home.  But, more about that later.....I hope.)

I had a rather awkward experience at my daughter's basketball game today.  I was sitting on the bleachers with my fiance, minding our own business, when in walks my ex-husband with his baby momma and proceeds to walk all the way down to where we were sitting.  Then around half time, in walks his ex (let's call her First Ex), with whom he cheated on with and had a baby with Baby Momma, and she too proceeds to come all the way down to the end of the bleachers and sit right next to me.  She was the first relationship he had right after our divorce and they dated for a few years, so she is very close to my children (thus why she was even at the game).  She and I are friendly towards each other; our daughters are about the same age and are sisterly toward each other, and I'm not the one to unnecessarily burn bridges, so I guess you could say we are cool.  Baby Momma, on the other hand, HATES this particular ex, and pretty much hates me because she felt like I was taking her and my ex-husband's "side" when they were going through all their back and forth issues.  Um, I had nothing to do with any of that, despite the fact that Baby Momma tried to drag me into it against my will.

So here I am, wedged between First Ex and Ex-Husband and Baby Momma.  Aw-kw-ard.  And of course I'm talking to First Ex, because like I said, we are cool, and she's sitting right next to me.  But understanding human nature, I know she still had some bitterness leftover toward the Baby Momma situation, and by her sitting there being friendly with me, I know that also probably brought up some negativity in Baby Momma since she accused me (and my then 12 year old child) of taking sides against her.  Not that I allowed it to change my behavior-- after all, I am happily engaged to the man who I believe I was supposed to be spending my life with-- but I started to get a very pawn-like feeling as I sat there and watched my now almost 15 year old play basketball.

 I don't to be a part of The League of Evil Exes

One of my most favorite movies is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  If you haven't seen this fantastically odd piece of movie goodness (which I have seen at least 100 times), basically it's about a guy who has to fight and defeat, video game style, his girlfriend's Seven Evil Exes in order to have a relationship with her.  The seven exes have formed a "league" that has agreed to fight Scott.   As art often imitates life, I have seen time and time again where the exes of a guy will later become friends, whether or not its for the purpose of engaging in "He ain't shit!" sessions or just because they have something in common.  Either way, that's just not my style. Not only do I not want to be out here fighting my ex-husband's current girlfriend, I also have zero desire to form my own League of Evil Exes.

Over the past 6 years, I've been friendly toward my ex-husband's girlfriends, just because there's really no reason not to be, but I was never interested in becoming BFFs with them when they broke up and/or get together to talk shit about him.  Baby Momma tried that with me when she broke up with my ex-husband the first (second?) time, and I wasn't having it.  There is no need for us to become close friends premised solely on the fact that we used to date the same person and now realize the error of our ways.  First Ex and I have more in common than just my ex-husband both professionally and personally, so I don't have a problem being social with her, but we never talk about him.  Now, his most recent girlfriend (whom he kicked out of his house around the holidays and then promptly got back with Baby Momma), we really have nothing in common.  Again, we were cordial toward each other, but there is really no reason for me to be friends with her after the fact.

I really hope I was reading more into that situation today than what it was, because I don't like feeling like a pawn in the game of emotional chess.  But whether it was intentional or not, that's how I felt.  Other women may bond with their ex's exes, but personally I want no part of the League of Evil Exes.