Adventures in Divorce

I always wondered why people who murdered their spouses didn't just get a divorce.... I now understand why

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Location: Nap Town, Indie-anne-ahhhhhh!, United States

No, I'm not a prophetess. Cassandra, according to Greek mythology, spurned the advances of the Greek god Apollo and her gift of prophecy was cursed so that her predictions would never be believed. Such is my life. I tend not to think like most people, which is a gift... but also a curse. So step into my mind, take off your shoes and stay for awhile... you're always welcome, loved ones.

March 16, 2009

Marriage......what's the point?


Ahhh.... the seasons are changing, the weather is getting warm, newness is abound, which means one thing...... wedding season is upon us. Ok, so it means more than just that one thing (inter alia the one year anniversary of Le Divorce) , but it *is* wedding season. Thus far I've received invitations to attend two weddings and despite the demise of my own marriage, I'm actually looking forward to attending.

Yes, despite my experiences with failed marriage, my first hand witnessing of marital tomfoolery, my Adventures in Divorce, and my previous musings on the subject, I do still have hope and faith in the institution of marriage and see weddings as a celebration of a new life together for two people. My prior post about crying at weddings was written while I was still married and my own marriage was in a sharp nosedive headed straight for the ocean (it was written a little less than a year before my separation) and I was sad because I knew I'd lost what these two individuals on their special day had just found. So, while on that particular day I was mourning, generally I am happy for the couple getting married.

But then there's that part of me that knows that regardless of the degree of perfection that exists on that special day, marriages are anything BUT perfect. Four words..... Fifty. Percent. Failure. Rate. And even amongst the remaining fifty percent, I've seen enough of my share of underhanded tomfoolery to know that those people aren't all together because everything is hunky dory. So, statistically speaking, if 50% of marriages are doomed from the start, and the other 50% are riddled with problems and issues, one may ask themselves..... what's the point?

The point, in the great words of Andre Benjamin, is that everybody needs somebody to love. But marriage isn't just about love, its about building a life together and having someone who is always, no matter what, there for you (in theory anyway). Let's face it.... the free-for-all gets tiring after awhile. Variety and excitement and "freedom" may be fun for a time, but eventually you just want to know that someone is going to be there for you and that you have someone that you can build something with instead of just cruising along parallel with one another. Problems and dysfunction and cheating aside, marriage is a good, worthwhile endeavor.

Marriage is definitely a trade off, though...... you give up the ability to bail whenever you feel like it, the ability to make unilateral decisions that are solely in your best interest (and/or the interest of your kids if you have them).... basically the ability to keep all the marbles to yourself. But at the end of the day, what good is all that if you're lonely? Life is meant to be shared with other people, and sharing means compromising and sacrificing for the greater good. Even when you're in a committed relationship, you're less likely to go all in if you know that the person can just up and leave, no strings attached, at any time. When you're dating, all it takes is to say "it's over, kick rocks, don't call me and I'm not answering your calls" (ok, that's the simplified version) and "I'm taking my TV/couch/bed that I brought with me" (if you happen to be cohabiting). Divorce, on the other hand, takes just a tad bit more effort. Not to mention the whole "covenant before God" thing..... that's kind of important, too.

So what's the point of marriage if the odds of failure and dysfunction are so high...... well, I believe it can and does work for most people, even if it takes some trial and error along the way. Sometimes that first match up isn't a good fit and people got married for the wrong reasons, or thought they could overlook or overcome some problem and it just didn't happen. But if you have two people who are a good match and who are committed to making their marriage work, then there is definitely a point..... a very good point.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous T. Murray said...

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March 25, 2009 at 3:09 AM  

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Adventures in Divorce: Marriage......what's the point?

Marriage......what's the point?


Ahhh.... the seasons are changing, the weather is getting warm, newness is abound, which means one thing...... wedding season is upon us. Ok, so it means more than just that one thing (inter alia the one year anniversary of Le Divorce) , but it *is* wedding season. Thus far I've received invitations to attend two weddings and despite the demise of my own marriage, I'm actually looking forward to attending.

Yes, despite my experiences with failed marriage, my first hand witnessing of marital tomfoolery, my Adventures in Divorce, and my previous musings on the subject, I do still have hope and faith in the institution of marriage and see weddings as a celebration of a new life together for two people. My prior post about crying at weddings was written while I was still married and my own marriage was in a sharp nosedive headed straight for the ocean (it was written a little less than a year before my separation) and I was sad because I knew I'd lost what these two individuals on their special day had just found. So, while on that particular day I was mourning, generally I am happy for the couple getting married.

But then there's that part of me that knows that regardless of the degree of perfection that exists on that special day, marriages are anything BUT perfect. Four words..... Fifty. Percent. Failure. Rate. And even amongst the remaining fifty percent, I've seen enough of my share of underhanded tomfoolery to know that those people aren't all together because everything is hunky dory. So, statistically speaking, if 50% of marriages are doomed from the start, and the other 50% are riddled with problems and issues, one may ask themselves..... what's the point?

The point, in the great words of Andre Benjamin, is that everybody needs somebody to love. But marriage isn't just about love, its about building a life together and having someone who is always, no matter what, there for you (in theory anyway). Let's face it.... the free-for-all gets tiring after awhile. Variety and excitement and "freedom" may be fun for a time, but eventually you just want to know that someone is going to be there for you and that you have someone that you can build something with instead of just cruising along parallel with one another. Problems and dysfunction and cheating aside, marriage is a good, worthwhile endeavor.

Marriage is definitely a trade off, though...... you give up the ability to bail whenever you feel like it, the ability to make unilateral decisions that are solely in your best interest (and/or the interest of your kids if you have them).... basically the ability to keep all the marbles to yourself. But at the end of the day, what good is all that if you're lonely? Life is meant to be shared with other people, and sharing means compromising and sacrificing for the greater good. Even when you're in a committed relationship, you're less likely to go all in if you know that the person can just up and leave, no strings attached, at any time. When you're dating, all it takes is to say "it's over, kick rocks, don't call me and I'm not answering your calls" (ok, that's the simplified version) and "I'm taking my TV/couch/bed that I brought with me" (if you happen to be cohabiting). Divorce, on the other hand, takes just a tad bit more effort. Not to mention the whole "covenant before God" thing..... that's kind of important, too.

So what's the point of marriage if the odds of failure and dysfunction are so high...... well, I believe it can and does work for most people, even if it takes some trial and error along the way. Sometimes that first match up isn't a good fit and people got married for the wrong reasons, or thought they could overlook or overcome some problem and it just didn't happen. But if you have two people who are a good match and who are committed to making their marriage work, then there is definitely a point..... a very good point.

Labels: ,