Adventures in Divorce

The Space Between

2011-11-06T02:56:00.006-05:00

Disclaimer: I love supporting local talent. However, I only support local talent that I truly believe is great.... not by local standards, but by national standards. Or my standards. Which isn't always the same thing. Bottom line, I will only support and endorse talent that I would have no problem telling a friend in D.C., or California, or Minnesota, to check out. So, with that said.......


Click here to experience and download some great music

Bashiri Asad.....The Space Between. I have been a fan of Bashiri for some time now. I used to work across the street from the City Market where occasionally he and Xenobia Green would perform, and right before lunch time I could hear the music from across the street and immediately say "Ah, Bashiri is performing today!" He is truly an Indianapolis gem. He performs some amazing covers (because Indianapolis loves their cover performances) but his original work is equally impressive. I was lucky enough to give a copy of his latest project, The Space Between, and have been thoroughly impressed. This is definitely a CD that will stay in my car stereo and playing on my computer at work.

If you are a fan of R&B, or soul, or neo-soul, or good music, or LOVE..... check out where love is really found......The Space Between.

Find Bahiri Asad here:
Web: Bashiri Asad
Twitter: @Bashiri08
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/bashiri.asad

The First of the Last

2011-08-11T19:49:00.002-04:00

Today marked a historic day for me: It was my Son's first day of his senior year of high school. His last first day of school. Just about every parent has pictures of their child on their 1st first day of school… the new outfit, crisp school supplies, the little backpack, and snaggletooth grin as your baby took his or her first steps towards being a big kid heading off to real school. As you go through the years you find yourself saying "Ugh! I can't wait until he graduates!" That is, until it is actually staring you in the face. As my son went through high school, I knew that I would have to face this day and I thought I had mentally prepared myself for it. Well, I guess I didn't plan well enough. As I left the house this morning, my beau asked if I was ok and I assured him that yes, I was fine. I drove up to Son's high school to see the traditional TPing of the school by the seniors, which Son had participated in (wearing a full Tarzan costume) the night before. Winding up the drive between trees covered in miles of toilet paper, I thought about the first day I dropped my son off at that high school, with the same trees covered in TP from that year's seniors. I was still ok, but I knew that my calm façade was hiding the emotion beneath the surface, and it was just a matter of time before it sprang forth. Unfortunately, it didn't wait until I got home and I have been one weepy employee all day.

I know that all parents get emotional at the thought of their child, especially their first child, reaching the official end of their childhood, getting ready to go off into the world as a (legal) adult, the "emptying of the nest" so to speak. But for me, it goes much deeper. When I was at my son's age, he was already a year and a half old. This day seemed light years and infinite impossibilities away. I myself still had to go to college, go to grad school, make life mistakes, grow and develop while simultaneously getting that baby boy to the point he is at now—an honor student and star football player at one of the best private high schools in the state. I cannot even put the struggle into words, and indeed I don't. Whenever someone asks me "How in the hell did you graduate from high school with honors, graduate from undergrad with honors, graduate from law school with honors, and become a lawyer, all while raising young children?" my answer is always "I don't know… I just did it." My tears are not just tears of sadness; they are tears of relief, triumph, joy, exhaustion, and pride both in my son and in me—a full glass case of emotion. Yes, all parents have their struggles, but you have to admit….. I pulled off an impossible—or at the least, highly statistically improbable—feat. Most people have trouble with either being an honor student or raising an honor student exclusively. I did BOTH. Simultaneously. And for that, I think I deserve a few moments of emotion and reflection.

And celebration, dammit! Yes, we still have the school year ahead and much work to do, getting him through all his honors classes, getting him into college (and a good financial aid package, because momma is still Sallie Mae's indentured servant herself), and hopefully through another championship football season. But I think for right now, after work I am going to set the sadness aside and celebrate this small, yet monumental, milestone victory. A Bazbeaux veggie pizza with extra goat cheese and a bottle of red wine to celebrate embarking on the final chapter of the first volume of my Son's life, and I shall toast to victories won and those yet to be accomplished.

My UPDATED Dating Personality

2011-08-10T23:08:00.001-04:00

A few years ago, I took the highly entertaining, yet eerily accurate, OK Cupid Dating Persona Test, consisting of 32 "dating types" possible (16 male and 16 female) based on a 4 factor combination (Random vs. Deliberate, Gentle vs. Brutal, Sex vs. Love, Master vs. Dreamer). My result back then: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master). Admittedly, I was simultaneously in a very bad, but very fun, place. My overarching mentality was "fuckit". And my dating personality definitely reflected that.

Fast forward three years. I decided to take the Dating Personality Test again to see just where I am now. And the results are...... *drumroll please*

The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)

"Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense."

Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph - Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

Consider:
The Loverboy (RGLM)
The Playboy (RGSM)
The Boy Next Door (RGLD)

Always Avoid:
The False Messiah (DBLM)

I am pretty pleased with the result. I went from a Random Gentle Sex Master to Random Gentle Love Master. I know that I have evolved over the years, but I was somewhat worried that I had changed way too much, gone "soft." Apparently, not so. I am still the same fun-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited person, but with one very important change: "you’re becoming more selective about long-term love." Being a Playstation was fun, life as a Peach is much, much more satisfying.

Open Letter to my Parents

2011-08-01T09:39:00.001-04:00

Dear Parental Units,

I think we need to have a little chat. I realize that divorce doesn't just affect the couple and the kids, but involves everyone in the family. You get used to having someone around for 14 years and then all the sudden they have been cut out of the picture and you may not even be privy to the reasons why (though if you cared, you would ask and try to understand....but you didn't). In somewhat fairness to you guys, this is exactly what happened. What makes it even more complex is that you, and especially dad, had to be parent figures to The Ex in a more literal sense than just that of in-laws since we had been together since we were 15 years old, he didn't have his dad around and had a mother who was too busy going to the gambling boat and to the Caribbean to pay him much mind. I understand all of that, and I understand that for whatever reason, you might actually still like this person that I now try my hardest to only slightly loathe. After all, you were not there when he was making bad choices for our household, treating me like I was an idiot, putting holes in my walls, spending my money indiscriminately like he was the one who graduated from law school and was earning the majority of the money, disregarding my feelings, and just generally not being a good match for me when I finally grew up and became my own person (a person which I'm sure you don't really even know). But things have changed, and I need for you to recognize that. I know it may be harder for you to cut him out of your lives than it has been for me, and that you may still have some sort of affection for this individual.

But hello.... hi.... remember me, your actual flesh and blood daughter??

I wish you would get a clue and realize that I am no longer married, have not been married in over 3 years, and thus my ex husband is no longer your son-in-law. I wish you would realize that, hey, I am your daughter and thus your loyalties should lie with me, not him. I wish you would recognize that I have moved on and have someone new in my life that I love and who will eventually (hopefully) become your new son-in-law soon. I wish you would realize that this person and I no longer get along. But no, you constantly desire to disregard and step on toes and disrespect and not realize there is a new world order and that everyone needs to get with the program. It was bad enough that you weren't there for me while I was actually going through the divorce, but this has gone on long enough and needs to STOP.

That time when dad came to Son's football game and walked right past me and my beau to go sit with The Ex, his mother and her boyfriend, and his new baby momma without saying hi to us, then later coming to sit with us toward the end of the game?? Not cool. Talking and laughing it up when we're at Daughter's cheerleading competition and hardly acknowledging The Beau's and my presence?? Not gonna cut it. Dad involving himself in the middle of a misunderstanding between The Ex and The Beau that The Ex should have just been able to handle himself like any other real man would do?? Nu-uhh.

Mom, though you never wanted to acknowledge it with us, you of all people know how this divorce thing works and the feelings involved and the changes that must be made to the family structure. How would you have felt if Grandma and Grandpa had ignored and disregarded Dad, and every time you turned around they were being chummy with my sister's father? Dad, how would you feel if they always acted like you weren't now the most important man in Mom's life? Neither one of you would have liked that scenario, so why can't I get the same consideration?

Now, I do realize that I am not yet remarried, and perhaps that is why you have been slow to make changes. But c'mon, Mom and Dad, it has been three years that The Beau and I have been together. Obviously this isn't just a passing fling. I do not want to have to wait until after I am married and have a huge blow up in order to make you realize that how you have been acting is not cool. Our family already isn't the closest, and I do not want this to be an unnecessary reason for causing more distance between us. Do you want to be part of my new life and eventually my new family? Yes? Well, some changes are going to need to happen first.

I guess I am just going to have to make my feelings explicit, and hopefully this time you will actually pay attention to me instead of just changing the subject. Perhaps for once you will try to understand me and change you actions because you actually do care how I feel. Maybe.

Love,
Your Daughter

P.S. Please pass this along to The Ex: "Stay the fuck away from my family.They are not your family anymore, so quit trying to involve yourself, quit calling my dad for advice or to "tattle" on me, quit trying to act like I didn't kick your ass to the curb for good reason. Your voice grates on my nerves like a thousand nails on a chalkboard and I wish you would shut up with your incessant talking. Quit stalking my family on Facebook and asking me about people's new jobs or babies, because they are absolutely none of your concern. I didn't need your words of sympathy when my favorite artist died, because you only liked her because I liked her, and I really don't care that you regret never getting to see her in concert. And PLEASE STOP with the.attempts to go down memory lane every single fucking time you speak to me. I'm sick of hearing "Remember that time when we...." No, I probably don't because I was miserable with you back then, even before I realized it, so my brain has selectively blocked out much of my past. You have your own new little family now that you had even before the divorce decree was signed. And why don't you go try to be a daddy to that baby you accidentally brought into this world with some other random chick instead of meddling in my world? You have a helluva lot of other things in your life to worry about besides what's going on in mine and my family's. I don't know what you are trying to do or prove, but all the proof that is needed is that divorce decree, my new last name, and the fact that I have moved on with someone else who loves me the way that I need and deserve to be loved. Go away. You are not wanted or needed. You lose. Good day."

Indecent Proposals??

2011-05-03T12:13:00.001-04:00

No. Just...... no.

Last night I was sitting at home ~~searching for bootleg movies to watch online~~ watching one of my favorite TV shows online (which I can't watch due to my crappy sans FX satellite package), Nip/Tuck (and I watched it on Hulu, so it was perfectly legal..... well, except for that last episode.....). In one of the episodes, Sean's girlfriend proposes marriage to him..... presented a ring and everything. After which he ended up taking too many sleeping pills and booze and damn near killed himself (sorry if that was a spoiler for anyone, but you knew they were not going to let him actually die).

So that got me thinking... do women actually do that, or was this just another wild scenario on this wild ass show (see photo of Mario Lopez, supra)? And, if not, SHOULD women start doing this? After all, I always hear men talking about how they would love if a woman approached them and asked them out, a situation that I'm sure was unfathomable 50 years ago. Is the marriage proposal next on the feminist agenda's chopping block? Should I get on the next wave and come up with a line of male engagement rings, make lots of money and retire to Mexico ~~with a Mario Lopez body double~~?

I conducted a scientific survey.... ok, so I asked some folks on Twitter.... to see how people felt about women getting down on one knee (but not two, cuz that's an entirely different discussion). The overwhelming response was NO....this is a man's job, period.

loryn24 @DaughterOfPriam times have def changed, I believe in wmn's equality, but there r SOME things better left to a man. Proposals are 1 of them

kellinikole @DaughterOfPriam I think that tends to be a little emasculating. I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing up the convo, but I'd leave it up to the dude, to do the knee and ring deal.

WifeofUriah @DaughterOfPriam NO way. We are equal 2 men in some ways, other ways we are not. Marriage is equal, roles are different. proposal is his.

gabeflowers @DaughterOfPriam It can work 4 some but I would never have the balls! There's something about a man knowing he's ready and taking that step.

gabeflowers @DaughterOfPriam Plus, I wouldn't want to rob him of that moment!

And these responses came from educated, free-thinking, independent women. And as another woman who fits that description, I'm inclined to agree.

I would consider myself to be not so much old fashioned, but more like retro. I recognize not everything from the past is outdated and that timeless things should be preserved. I shake my head at the ultra feminists.... women who refuse to take their husband's name (aside from some VERY compelling professional reason, and even then there's hyphenation), women who name their daughters junior, ~~women who really need to go put on a bra~~ and women who just take "equality" to its illogical extreme. I believe in fairness, but fairness does not equal mirror image equality. There are just certain roles that a man should play and certain roles a woman should play in this complicated game we call relationships.

For example, as a woman I don't feel like I should have to do things like make all the the trips to Home Depot, and I don't expect my man to be all up in Pier 1. Sure, there's overlap and we can help each other (I really do enjoy putting furniture together). But if I'm the one constantly pulling out the lawnmower and putting in the rocks in the landscaping and installing the ceiling fan (these are true stories, BTW), there's a problem. ~~And if he's wearing my fishnets, there's DEFINITELY a problem.~~ Yes, I can stain and polyurethane, but dammit I shouldn't HAVE to. Not as my primary role, anyway.

Men and women each bring something unique to a relationship, and when you try and serve in the other person's role you're going to either get a) a bootleg job, b) that person not receiving what they need from you because you are too occupied with doing their job, c) resentment, or d) all of the above. You should be able to own your unique gender attributes without the distraction of having to take on and compensate for the other gender's, too.

So going back to my original point.... Men should be the ones doing the proposing. Period. You can discuss the issue and arrive at an agreement together that marriage is the next step for your relationship (I don't believe in blindsiding someone with a ring), but the actual question popping should be reserved for the man. I'm inclined to agree with the one response that opined that the woman proposing is somewhat emasculating (but not quite as emasculating as what was done to Mario, supra). There may be women out there who LIKE their men neutered, but personally I don't. I like gender roles, I like the idea of the man being the head of my household, I like the idea of just being able to be a woman.

So ladies, I'm sorry if you are just dying to get engaged....this is still something you're just going to have to wait for him to do.

(originally posted November 3, 2009 on Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess)

MILF Status: Earned, not Given

2010-12-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

I think everyone in the free world (and a few in the oppressed one) know what the term "MILF" is. Made popular by the classic comedy, American Pie, MILF stands for the less than elegant title of, "Mom I'd Like To F*ck." It is used to refer to a woman who, although she is a mother, is still very sexy. I see the term thrown around a lot by mothers of all ages; however when it comes to the term MILF, I am a purist that sticks to the true original spirit of the term from the movie: teenage boys standing around lusting after Stiffler's Mom. However, I've been more than slightly annoyed by what I believe is misuse and abuse of the term by those who have not yet earned the right to be called a MILF.


Stiffler's Mom: The original MILF

This may piss some moms out there off, but if your oldest child is not at least a teenager, you cannot truly call yourself a MILF. If it is only grown ass men who are lusting after you and you happen to be a mother, you are not a MILF. A MILF in training, yes, but not a full fledged, fully vested MILF. The status of MILF is one that is earned, not bestowed merely because you had a child. MILFs stand the test of time and say to the world "Yes, after 16 years of the stress, drama, ~~drinking~~ and work of raising this child, I still look fucking awesome." It makes me mad when I see some woman with a 2 year old calling herself a MILF. No. Stop. Of course it is easy to still look good two years after you had a kid. I looked fucking awesome at 18 and 22. And yes, grown men are still going to find you attractive and want to have sex with you regardless of how old your kids are (or aren't). That's pretty much a no brainer. The ruler measuring MILF status is not held by your peers, but by your kids' peers. Going by the original, American Pie standard of what is considered a MILF, it is a woman who is so beautiful and/or sexy that she arouses the desires of teenage boys, teenage boys who are around perfect specimens of young females every single day.

Let me stop and throw out some disclaimers here. You should not throw yourself at young UNDERAGE boys. Flirting with them, buying them things, purposefully being scantily clad around them is NOT cool. It makes you look like a thirsty old pedophile skeezer and can backfire terribly if you have misjudged your MILF status. Even if you are attractive, it is not a good look. In fact, you should never even have occasion to learn of your successful induction into the secret society of MILFs directly from the source, but rather by subtle hints picked up from your own teenager, such as him being overly critical of your attire when you're going to be around his friends, or telling you that he almost had to beat his teammate's ass for staring or commenting about your appearance. You should not seek to test your MILF status (or lack thereof) by preying on UNDERAGE boys. That's just nasty. MILF status should remain a theoretical concept, not an actual one. That being said, I think MILF status can extend generally to any woman who has teenage (and up) kids who does not look like she has teenage children, regardless of whether any teens have expressed actual desire or not. But the key here is still the fact that your appearance and sex appeal have lasted (or improved) throughout the years and you have not turned into someone resembling Bleeker's mom from Juno ("Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies.").


NOT a MILF

I realize that I may have a slight advantage over most other mothers of 16 year olds, being that I am only 15.7 years older than my Son. And to that I say…. tough crap, sorry for ya, and I am quite sure if given the opportunity to switch places with me, you wouldn't. This is my consolation prize for giving up my youth, the fact that I will still look good when my son leaves for college while all my other friends will be mere hopeful MILFs-in-training that will be in their late 40s when they finally become eligible for MILF status, as opposed to me being in my early 30s at the start of my eligibility. C'est la vie.

However, there is one disadvantage to being a young MILF: while your teenager's friends may be eyeing you, your teenager may be eyeing your friends. I have friends who are only about 10 years older than my Son. To put this into perspective, a good friend of mine is about to marry a guy 9 years her junior. My Son has actually threatened me in a joking-but-not-so-joking manner that after he turns 18, if I make him mad he would "pursue" one my friends to get back at me. I would laugh this off but my Son is built like a grown ass man, and once he's legal, well, there's not much I can do about him and who he chooses to be involved with. Not that I think he would actually do it, nor do I think my friends would risk death by acquiescing. But the mere possibility is enough to make me squirm in my seat a bit. However, no matter how old you are, there may always be another MILF out there serving your son and his friends nachos with her boobies hoisted up in her not-so-tightly tied silk robe..... watch out.

So all you mothers of preschoolers out there..... have patience, your time is coming. All that training will pay off one day, sooner than you think.

We can't be friends

2010-11-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I tried. Tried being the bigger person, tried to be friendly, tried to make the adjustment to this newest Adventure in Divorce as easy as possible, but it ended up blowing up in my face. I made the grave mistake of attempting to be friendly to Baby Momma #2.

A few weeks ago I read a blog post about how befriending your ex’s new woman and/or ex is a really bad idea. I admit the post had some very valid points which I filed away in my mental filing cabinet. However, also stored in my mental filing cabinet were points made on one of my favorite divorce/blended family websites, Today’s Modern Family, where the ladies have talked about how being friendly toward your ex’s new mate is an ideal situation for the children because there is less tension and animosity that they have to deal with. Being the ~~sucker~~ nice person I am, I opted for the second route while still being mindful of the pitfalls of the first.

At the time it seemed like The Ex was trying to make a go at having a relationship with Baby Momma #2 (hereinafter BM 2.0). She was always around, there were Master Lab photos of them with Lil Meech on Facebook, and for all intents and purposes they looked like a couple and it seemed she was not going anywhere any time soon. So when she would come to Son’s football games with Lil Meech I would say hi, come over and play with the baby, and even sit with her when The Ex ditched her to go watch the game with the other football parents (because I hated when he used to do that to me). We never really talked much, just basic chit chat pleasantries. I mainly just didn’t want Mini-Me to have to run from one end of the stands to the other in order to spend time with me and her baby brother, and admittedly I wanted to play with the baby. I even bought Lil Meech a handmade bear hat, partly as a peace offering and partly to support my friend’s business, Issaino (she makes great custom handmade crochet items), and partly because I believe every baby should have one of those bear hats.

It was actually the bear hat that kicked off my descent into the mouth of madness. I was at a football game and BM 2.0 wanted to share a picture of Lil Meech in the bear hat with me, so I gave her my number so she could send it via picture mail. No big deal. I had no intentions of every calling her or otherwise hearing from her. (Mistake #1) Then I few weeks later I get a text from her out of the blue with her asking if she could send me a friend request on Facebook, which I was a wee bit wary of but because of my stance on Facebook I figured it couldn’t hurt. The texts then lead to a conversation where she is telling me all about how badly his ex-girlfriend (the one she ousted) talks about her and the baby, and then about how the ex-girlfriend has talked badly about me, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really give much by way of info and kept my responses pretty basic, but I should have never entertained that conversation in the first place. (Mistake #2)

It is well known that all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come to an end even sooner. Long story short, she and The Ex get into it, something to do with him talking to and supposedly getting back with his ousted ex-girlfriend, BM 2.0 getting stuck here in town after her car got wrecked and staying with The Ex, and a whole lot of other dramatic antics that I had to hear about from Mini-Me and my own dad (yea, don’t ask). I then started noticing a form of female “reindeer games” on Facebook that I have termed “pissing on people’s pages” similar to how animals mark their territory. She would comment on pictures I had of the kids and Lil Meech with how much of a daddy’s boy he was and how his daddy loves him, then would tag Mini-Me on pictures of the baby and The Ex talking about how much she loved the two of them, then left comments on Mini-Me’s page and The Ex’s mother’s page about us seeing the baby, even mentioning that I had come over to visit (I was picking up Mini-Me and stopped in for 15 minutes, 10 of which was spent trying to console Mini-Me because BM 2.0 and The Ex had been fighting). The tactic was so transparent: she was obviously trying to get to the ex-girlfriend via her friends, i.e. my daughter and The Ex’s mother.*

(*For those not well versed in how Facebook works, when a person is tagged in a photo it shows up in their friends’ news feeds, even if they are not friends with the person who posted the photo. So, using the situation above, BM 2.0 takes a photo of Lil Meech and The Ex sleeping and notes in the caption that it’s 10am on a Wednesday and tags Mini-Me in said photo, even though she is nowhere in sight. The photo shows up in Mini-Me’s friends’ timelines (which includes the ex-girlfriend) and when viewed conveys a myriad of information: 1) BM 2.0 is in town, at The Ex’s place during the week when she should be at home in the next state; 2) How much she just LOVES the both of them and how much she LOVES taking care of them; and 3) A reminder slap in the face that he has a new baby with another woman in the first place. A similar marking of territory occurs with wall posts. Yes, Facebook was designed by the devil’s mistress.)

I was starting to get a bit annoyed by the use of my daughter’s Facebook account as a means of throwing jabs at the ex-girlfriend, but I figured I would just monitor the situation and say something to The Ex if necessary. But then BM 2.0 crossed all the way over the line, set up camp and posted a flag in my shit. First I get a text asking if my mother could get BM 2.0 a ticket to go to The Ex’s grandmother’s funeral….not from The Ex, but from BM 2.0 herself (I’m almost positive that The Ex had NO intention of her going). I called my mother to ask her about it and that’s when I got the earful about the insane events between BM 2.0 and The Ex that week that had Mini-Me so upset. Then the next day I get a text from her telling me things between her and The Ex were over and that he was going back to the ex-girlfriend, and I responded by wishing her the best and conveyed Mini-Me’s concerns about seeing her baby brother. That’s when things started getting messy and ugly. She starts telling me about all these “secrets” about our marriage and divorce that The Ex supposedly told her in confidence, the coup de grace being that he had slept with my (former) BFF of 10 years in high school and he had never told ANYONE about it. She acted as if she was doing me a favor by sharing all this info with me, but she did not appreciate how truly reckless and hurtful these lies were because she did not know the whole history of that situation, but needless to say I was LIVID. It ripped open some old wounds from my marriage that I had already healed over and I had done my best to forget about. I lost it (textually…. at work I was outwardly calm) and ended up in a triangular text battle with her and The Ex all morning, basically telling them to leave me the fuck alone and out of their mess. I did not know who was lying or who was telling the truth so I was just mad at everyone (kind of like how your mom gave you and all your siblings a whooping when nobody would fess up). All I knew was that I was fed up and angry at being used as a pawn, angry that my children had to be subject to the stress of their fighting and not knowing if or when they would see their brother again, and angry over getting dragged into their mess, a mess that The Ex created with his utter carelessness and inability to manage his own life.

After I had calmed down, I realized that this woman was just using me as a pawn because she was mad at The Ex and wanted me to be mad at him, too. She wanted an ally, someone who hated him just as much as she did (at that moment in time). Because it was Shark Week (i.e. PMS time) I let my emotions get the best of me and let myself get dragged into it. (Mistake #3) I later got some info from the kids that let me know I needed to stay far, far away from The Ex’s mess with this woman. After that I took her and her daughter off my Facebook friend list so that I could go back my arm’s length dealings with her, civil and cordial but that is it. I got a text from her after that about taking her off my friends’ list and her accusing me of never being on her “side” to which I had to respond that this was never about sides and I was not friendly toward her just to be able to engage in ex bashing sessions, that it was always about the kids. I have not heard from her since.

I am really not sure what to take away from all this besides reinforcement of the notion of being more cautious of people. I am a person who tries not to involve innocent people (and especially innocent children) in my problems and use them as pawns, so I sometimes take for granted that others are not so considerate and often have agendas that are not in my best interest, even when the agenda really has nothing to do with me. I was really trying to be a decent ~~Baby Momma #1~~ ex-wife, not one of those nightmare exes that people talk shit about, but rather one that has moved on with her life and does not feel the need to reach back and make people’s lives hell. I tried being nice, tried being supportive, tried to not be a hindrance to a relationship between my kids and their baby brother and it came back to bite me in the arse. I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and attempted to use it as leverage against The Ex. I am not one to be used, and I certainly will not allow my children to be used. *momma bear roar*

I really hope BM 2.0 can work something out with The Ex so that he and the kids can have a relationship with Lil Meech, but based on what I have heard and experienced in these past few days, unfortunately I am not very hopeful that she will be mature enough to put her differences aside and put the kids’ interests first (after all, she left her other kids behind in the next state to chase after a man who obviously does not want her). I told her I hope we can be civil and cordial and that Lil Meech is always welcome to visit his sister and brother while with me, but that I had to protect my emotional well being by distancing myself from her and her drama with The Ex. Ultimately, I have to accept that facilitating a relationship between the kids is not my responsibility. I cannot control the actions of two adults who cannot sort things out between themselves. We can be civil, but obviously we can’t be friends.

Mine!

2010-11-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

I'm almost this happy.

One thing I always emphasize about divorce is that it is not a single event in a person's life. It's a long, drawn out, step by step process that begins and ends long before and after the divorce decree is signed. It is less a break than it is a detangling, constantly untying connections to your former spouse. Even after the ink is dry and the assets and liabilities (in theory) have been divided up, there is still the process of changing names, removing names, signing over legal ownership, closing accounts, changing addresses, and so on and so forth. As much as you may be ready to be totally rid of this person, the reality is that undoing your connected lives takes time.

I recently had a major event happen for me: I bought a new car! Somehow, some way, I managed to gain mind control over some car dealer and got them to sell me a car despite the financial wreckage that I was left with post-divorce. The car is very nice, very similar to my faithful Honda Civic, a sexy-but-not-cutesy little car in a lovely shade of Black Cherry ("Her name is Cherry, we just met....."), Bluetooth, satellite radio, all the things I could ask for in a (relatively inexpensive) car. I dug my heels in and feel like I negotiated a good deal on it (considering my financial situation). The salesman kept asking me why I wasn't more excited and smiling. Part of it was sheer disbelief, waiting for the manager to poke his head in saying they'd made a mistake, part of it is my usual hesitancy at making big ticket purchases, and part of it was game face. I actually really was happy to get such a nice car so soon, but my face didn't REALLY light up until I realized one fact: My ex husband's name would no longer be on my vehicle. *happy dance*

When I was married The Ex and I owned two vehicles, so logically we each took our primary vehicles in the divorce. His got repossessed, but I managed to keep paying mine despite my roller coaster job and money situation. Although according to our divorce decree said I got the Civic and he got the SUV, legally we were both owners of each vehicle. My title still had his name on it; the registration was in both of our names. Majority of the time it wasn't an issue (except for the time I even almost got stuck with a default judgment on unpaid parking tickets because they were sending notices to him and not to me) and practically speaking it didn't matter that his name was still on the car. But psychologically I was a little miffed seeing his name each time I renewed my registration. I just wanted to be rid of him altogether (well, as much as possible considering we still have kids together).

When I purchased my new car they gave me a rebate for switching from Honda to Kia so I had to give them my registration, and the reminder came again. Then as I was negotiating my price the sales guy reminded me that my previous car loan had a co-signer and he was trying to get me a good rate without one. That's when it really hit me. This is going to be MY car. Mine. Nobody else's. It won't belong to that legal fiction of one person that marriage is considered to be. I have total control over this vehicle; I can say where it goes and doesn't go and nobody can use it without my permission. I don't have to worry about a 300 lb person flopping down in my seats bending the edges and scraping up the trim, getting gum on the seats that he promises to clean off and never does, or just generally treating my car like crap because he's careless and doesn't care because it's not his. I can also rid myself of the reminder of a time when I was scared out of my mind when my car got vandalized by The Ex (he still swears he didn't do it, but I know he had someone do it.... shit like that doesn't happen on its own randomly). But more than just the vehicle itself, my new car represents another step away from my old life and toward my new one. Another step in the right direction.

It's all Family (a Recant)

2010-09-22T10:14:00.002-04:00

So it's been 2 months now since my children and I learned about the birth their new (half) sibling, whom I affectionately refer to as "Little Meech". The kids seem to be adjusting to the idea pretty well, and even Son has gotten over his initial pissedoffedness and reportedly gave the little baby his speech about where he falls in the sibling pecking order (of course, Son is in charge). I see pictures on their cell phone backgrounds of this chunky little baby that looks almost, but not quite, exactly like my Son as a baby, but that's been about it.

Sunday, however, I finally got to meet the infamous Little Meech.

And he's SO CUTE!!

Baby Momma #2 stopped by my parents' house to pick up Son to go back to his dad's and (probably at Daughter's insistence) she brought Little Meech in, though "little" is a bit of a misnomer because the child is huge. Two months old and already looks like pictures of Son when he was almost 5 months old (and Son was no small baby himself). I can save The Ex about $200 and/or an embarassing trip to Maury and declare that is definitely his second son. He looks just enough like my son that holding him and snuggling him to my chest took me back 16 years-- just a little. It was so cute to see Son poke his tiny nose and him bust out a big toothless grin at his big brother, and to see Mini-Me cradling him with a bottle. I mean, who can not love seeing a baby?

Now I know I have poked fun at the situation, nicknaming the child Little Meech based upon a photo where he was covered in money and gold chains (and the fact that more than one person has pointed out his father's uncanny resemblance to Rick Ross). Yes, I know this. We all have our moments pettiness, but the difference with me is that I'm woman enough to admit it and admit when a change is needed. However, Little Meech is just going to be my nickname for him, period, and I have no problem telling anyone why, same as telling Son why he was called Stinky or why my beau's son was called Boo Boo or why Mini-Me was Stealthy Kitten. Kids have embarassing nicknames. It happens. And that photo is still ridiculous as hell (and will make for great blackmail material by his family in years to come).

Now, what I am also woman enough to admit is that I must recant and re-adjust with my thoughts about Baby Momma #2. As I've stated before, overall I have never had a problem with the woman aside from quasi-jacking my son's name, which I thought was a little odd, but names that start with the letter Q are pretty cool. Then there was the incident where I was told that she called The Ex's job supposedly about my children being at the hospital, which I later found out wasn't even true. But it was something about seeing that innocent little baby that made me stop to realize that she is just as much subject to The Ex's tomfoolery and life mishandling as I am, and that having a hostile attitude toward Little Meech and his mother was just stupid. I got accused of acting fake, but really it was moreso a realization that I was tired of holding onto unfounded hostility and deciding that a mental shift was necessary.

I stopped and thought about how The Ex has painted me to others as some crazy, maladjusted bitch and how that is far from the truth (maybe a little weird and misunderstood, but not crazy) and then compared that to how he has tried to paint her as crazy as well. That's his modus operandi-- "it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault." His ex-girlfriend said something interesting to me shortly after they broke up (i.e. shortly after Little Meech was born) about how there were unnecessary hard feelings created between us based upon things that The Ex did and said. And now I smack my own forehead for being led down that same road by him with Baby Momma #2. The situation was admittedly fucked up and handled poorly, but that's moreso The Ex's doings and not hers, and it's also just life. Life is messy and fucked up, and the best of us get caught up in it. I'll give you a pass if you give me a pass, m'kay?

Actually seeing the baby and seeing my children interact with their brother made me realize that I have been holding onto some frustration and bitterness that is spilling over into the wrong areas of life. Yes, I can be mad at The Ex for not being where he says he's going to be, or changing plans last minute, or calling me out of my name whenever things don't go his way and I don't acquiesse to his whims. But I should not make my feelings and attitudes towards Little Meech and his mother an extension of that anger. Though one could say that they are of no concern to me and my life, but the fact is that they are. Little Meech is my children's blood relative, so in a roundabout once removed way, he is also related to me. He is always going to be around any time my kids do something where their siblings ought to be present. I used to work with a guy who would tell me about holidays with his family where everyone-- step-siblings, half-siblings, ex's and new spouses-- would all get together so nobody had to choose who to be with. It was just family.

This is not to say that I am going to strike up a friendship with Baby Mommy #2 and ~~rally against the forces of evil~~ be BFFs. No, I'm not the type to sit around and talk shit with the other baby momma about The Ex-- that's so cliche, and extremely basic. But will I do my part to make sure Little Meech has as much involvement with my kids as possible? Yes. Because I don't want them to feel like they have to choose. It's all family.

Leave me out of it

2010-08-18T20:08:00.001-04:00

In the midst of starting riots on Twitter today with my discussions regarding whether having a baby is an effective (though not very efficient or long lasting) means of getting a man to the altar, I get a phone call from The Ex:

Ex: Have you talked to your mom today?

Me: No.....

Ex: Ok, well have you talked to Daughter today?

Me: Um, no..... why? *confused look*

Ex: So as far as you know she's still in school?

Me: ....... uh, yea..... *starting to worry*

Ex: Ok then. Lies... just lies......

Me: What the hell is going on??

Ex: Oh I just got a message from [New Baby Momma] saying that Daughter was at the hospital with my ex-mother-in-law and son. Never mind, she's playing games.

Me: Um.... ok.......

This little dialogue left me scratching my head wondering...... my mother is notorious for not telling people bad news, but if it's something with my kids she would have been blowing my phone up. Plus the fact that I would have received a call from the school. So I called him back to clarify whether she may have been talking about Little Meech (their son) and her ex-mother-in-law (I don't know if she has one though) at the hospital with her daughter, and he says no, the message specifically said our daughter's name. Apparently ole girl called his job, left a message, then called him on his cell and said "check your messages" and hung up.

This would all make for just another amusing antidote to my otherwise dull day except for one thing: She's involving my children, which necessarily involves me. Had she chosen any other subject to lie on, I would have never known and my day could have gone along it's smooth and merry way, and I could have continued to stir up drama on Twitter with my inquires on what actually gets men to the altar. But her stupid games caused me to have to worry about the well-being of my children and question the courtesy and sanity of my mother.

Thus far I have taken a neutral stance when it comes to this woman. She is, plain and simply, not my problem. Slight amusement, yes; problem, no. Today's tomfoolery, however, has that once neutral balance tipping in a negative direction. Apparently this woman did not think (or care) that if she causes some panic in The Ex based on a lie she told about our kids that it would also cause the same level of concern with me. I become collateral damage in their little battle over goodness knows what and who cares. That is where I draw the line. They can play the cliche Baby Momma/Baby Daddy war games, but the second that my children and/or I get drawn into it, there will be problems. This whole scenario has the makings of very bad business, and I want no parts of it. I certainly hope he checks her on this and this is the first and last time I have to be involved in their new-age ghetto mess. But if not..... well, we'll see where that adventure goes.

******************************************************************

UPDATE: As it turns out, and I should have known, The Ex had it all wrong. I should have went with my first mind and said "wait, that doesn't sound right" but I'd asked and second guessed, and he insisted that Baby Momma #2 was playing games. He got the message all wrong, but instead of confirming first he called me and got me involved. Hot messery.... leave me out of it.

Karma is a bitch.... with child

2010-08-11T12:33:00.001-04:00

Ok, I think I'm finally ready to write about this.

I know that the frequency of my "adventures" have decreased dramatically, which is a good thing for me (but not so good when maintaining a blog about Adventures in Divorce). However, my ex-husband always manages to keep the party live and send me on brand new adventures, whether I care to go or not.

So a few weeks ago, The Ex texts me on a random Tuesday and tells me that I must go pick up the kids immediately, that he's had to leave town and they are home by themselves. No explanation aside from "I have an emergency out of town" which would be plausible had he actually traveled to the west coast where his family lives, not the next state over. Then he tells me he'll be back "in a few days, maybe by Friday". I ask Son what's going on and he says his dad needed to go out of town "for work or something". Needless to say, I was a little pissed because I had no way to plan for the kids being around (i.e. food in the house, logistical coordination for practices and activities, etc.) however, at that point I had no choice but to go get my children, and he knew that which is why he did it.

Friday rolls around and because I was planning to go out of town that evening, I sent The Ex a text to confirm that he would be back that afternoon to get the kids. His response: "I'll be back Sunday night." Can you say R-A-G-E?? I launched a text assault the likes of which have not been seen since AD 2007. I told him he was inconsiderate, un-trustworthy, and to at least give me the same level of courtesy that he would give someone on the street. I didn't even wait for responses, I had to get all that out because I was sick of being bullied and punked by him because he knew I would not do wrong by my kids. Oddly, though, all he kept saying was "Sorry, I had an emergency" which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. Then all the sudden he calls me and says he has to tell me what's going on, and this is what he says:

"I have another kid."

I burst out laughing. Not as loud and hearty as I wanted to because I was at work, but I guarantee the people in the office on the other side of the hallway door heard me. My initial laughter came from the fact that not 10 minutes earlier I had jokingly tweeted that I suspected the reason he had to rush out of town so abruptly-- and had forewarned me that he would need to do so at the beginning of the summer -- was that he'd knocked some side chick up and had to rush to see the baby born. I was dead on; turns out he got a chick pregnant that he was fooling around with during a "break up" with his main boo, who coincidentally and inexplicably I had the occasion to meet (Sidenote: his boo thang of 3 years couldn't have kids, which was specifically a reason he told me he got with her in the first place so he wouldn't have to worry about that). My second wave of laughter came from the sheer absurdity of the fact that he didn't tell our kids (or anyone else aside from his momma and his BFF) ahead of time. I mean, who does that?? And how old are we??? One of my Twitter friends summed it up best: "That was mighty hood of him." And my most prevalent reason for my outburst was gratitude for Karma coming in and delivering a better payback for all his BS antics toward me than I could ever imagine or pull off myself. Forget keying his crappy car or kicking over his motorcycle, the Universe did it 1000 times better. Karma is a bitch.... with child.

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know some of what I am talking about..... fighting my friends, spray painting my car, being inconsiderate with pick ups and drop offs, regularly calling me out of my name, and a myriad of other bitchassed behaviors that any other XY who calls himself a man would be embarrassed to even think about. But what stuck out to me the most was an incident last year at Son's football fundraiser where he thought I said I was pregnant (and I felt no need or desire to correct is erroneous assumptions simply because I knew it would piss him off) and hurled all kinds of horrible insults at me via text about how irresponsible and stupid I was, and almost got into a fight with my beau right there in the bingo hall. Just foolishness. Who's the irresponsible one now, huh??

Some of my friends have asked how I feel about this whole situation, thinking that maybe I would be upset that he's "moved on" or that he has a child with someone other than me. Please. I could care less. Aside from the Maury-like curiosity factor and the fact that how can you not like a baby (especially one that looks uncannily similar to your first born). Hopefully this will help him move on ~~and stop using our old joint e-mail address with my initials and our anniversary date~~. I just hope that he steps up and takes care of this child and is around for my children's sake, so that they can have a relationship with their younger brother (I am very big on treating step-siblings like whole siblings). Daughter is ecstatic already, but Son is still upset about it (and for good reason..... we're telling him to be safe and careful when it comes to sex, and his dad goes out and does the exact opposite?? Way to lead by example, Dad). I bear no ill will against this woman, or this innocent baby (despite calling him Little Meech because his name is extremely similar to my Son's name). I will do nothing to discourage the relationship between my kids and their new sibling. I'm actually glad I didn't have to be the one to introduce the concept of a new sibling to my kids. If I have any more children, this issue will be old hat to them.

So congrats to The Ex on the new addition to his, um, family.... on acquiring a Baby Momma #2 and becoming a Baby Daddy once again. My condolences to him on losing his cougar and now having to continue to have her as a boss after getting another woman pregnant. And best wishes actually having to deal with the child support and state guideline visitation system (which he does not have to deal with from me). Maybe he'll appreciate me more, who knows.

Yes, loved ones, this particular adventure has just begun......

The (In)significance of Girlfriends

2010-06-21T15:23:00.004-04:00

(This is follow up to the previous post, All's Fair in Love and War. I suggest you read it. Thanks.)

Up until about a year and a half ago, it had been a LONG time since I'd held the title of "girlfriend". Even before holding the title of "wife" for about 9 years, I was "fiance" for a year and a half, and "baby momma" for 5. Not since I was 15 have I held the title of just "girlfriend"......until now. I'm sure for most women the status of girlfriend is the norm and utterly commonplace, so I'm sure you have no clue why this makes any bit of difference such that it warrants a blog post (then again, many things written about in blogs don't deserve a blog post). Patience...... let me explain.

Girlfriends (and boyfriends, too), at first glance, are afforded special status. To gain that official title means that you play an important and intimate role in someone's life. However, in reality..... you're one step above nobody. Here today, gone tomorrow, and nobody (with the exception of a few) hears from or thinks about you ever again. At best, you become "Who was that chick you messed with a few years ago?? The one with the old kids?", and hopefully not "Man, what was that crazy bitch's name you finally got rid of??" Girlfriends are some of the most transient, non-permanent individuals in a person's life. And thus, they are treated as such.

This realization didn't fully hit home until my Son got his first official girlfriend. She's a nice girl, and so far I like her, but not-so-far in the back of my mind I know this is (hopefully) just a temporary thing in the grand scheme of life. He's 16 years old, she's 17. I don't care how much he or she thinks they may be "in love", I know there's a 99.9% chance they will break up eventually, most likely when she goes off to college in a year, if not sooner. Knowing this (or believing this.... but what's really the difference?), I will be nice, kind, respectful toward their little relationship, but I have no plans on making her an integral part of my family. (

(Notice I used the word "little". I find myself using that a lot in reference to their relationship. I always refer to her as "Q's little girlfriend" though I am constantly reminded by my own beau that she's not "little" and is very much built like a grown ass woman...... the adjective is not used in the literal sense. But I digress.)

If you're thinking "Well yes, they are kids, of course you wouldn't think of her like that" then let me change the scenario. I remember once sitting in my friend's basement talking to his then girlfriend (in her mind at least) and she was going on and on about plans to take trips and what they were going to do next year and we should all plan to do XYZ, blah, blah, blah. I listened, smiled and nodded, gave the occasional "Oh that would be nice" but the whole time in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Chick, you ain't gonna last through the summer." And I was right, because what I knew that she didn't was that he was a serial monogamist and I'd seen many like her come and go (and then try to hem me up in the club asking why he went). So while she thought/hoped/wished/fantasized/delusionally believed she was The One, I knew otherwise, so I saw no need to get myself to attached to the idea of her being around.

So, this has me thinking about my own status as "girlfriend" and wondering how I am different from the females mentioned above, and so far I can't think of any reason why I'm not. Yes, in my reality and his reality I am a very important individual (and vice versa). But for everyone else around him who has seen girlfriends come and go, at this point in time they have no reason to take me seriously. In the eyes of the permanent individuals in his life, I'm the current lady friend who sits in the same position as the past lady friend; the next girl who may just as easily become the ex girl.

The implications of this are twofold. First is not being taken seriously by family, for the reasons stated above. But second, and more vexing, is the disrespect and toe stepping by "friends". Now, when my male friends get a new lady friend, I go out of my way to show that I come in peace and try not to make any sudden, threatening moves. I think, however, that I am in the minority. In reality, there is the attitude of "Bitch I was here before you, I will be here after you, and who are you to tell me how I can and cannot deal with MY friend" accompanied by that passive aggressiveness that females have gotten down to a science AND and art that's really not about the guy, but more about whatever the female equivalent of a pissing contest would be. And honestly, unfortunately..... I can't really argue with the logic. But logic isn't everything and it still pisses me off. Add on top of this the notion that all's fair in love and war, and as merely the girlfriend I'm a sitting duck for toe stepping, sneak attacks, tomfoolery, and all sorts of other females' reindeer games.

(Do I sound paranoid?? Sorry......there was an incident.)

The reality is until there is some next level of commitment made, whether intentional (engagement/marriage) or unintentional (baby momma), the status of girlfriend means very little to the outside world. Sometimes it almost feels like a joke, like I'm just waiting for someone actually to cock their head to side, pat me on the head and say "Oh, that's so cute." I can almost hear the mental speculation as to whether I'll be the one back next year at the company picnic, or a guest at the next wedding, or at the next family function.....

With all that said, none of this really matters. All that matters is how he and I feel about each other and the level of mutual respect we show one another. You must walk before you can run, and walking the role of girlfriend is just one of those normal, everyday life things. Just another one of my observations from my odd vantage point of being a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life, that's all.

All's Fair in Love and War

2010-06-09T14:10:00.005-04:00

Maybe she wasn't such a cootie queen after all.

History is always told from the perspective of the winner, not as it actually went down. Our history books are all written in such a way that applauds the actions of the ones in control and condemns those of the loser. This is simply one of the spoils of war; the winners get to tell the story the way they want it to be told, and very few actually question it. This is not only the case in our civilization's history, but love as well.

Some time last year a good friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she was kickin' it with. He was a musician, handsome, sexy, and despite the fact that he was staying with her (temporarily til he found another place, supposedly), he had a girlfriend. I told her run for your life, he's playing you as live-in booty while he plans a life with this chick, you're gonna get your feelings hurt.

Well, last week they got engaged.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to people who are in pre-marriage relationships: One is that these people are in committed relationships and their relationship should be respected and left alone, and anyone who tries to interfere is just foul and dead wrong. The other, which was best summed up by my mentor who was a notorious flirt, is "You're single until you're married." In the Infinite Wisdom of my 20's (and by "Infinite Wisdom" I mean "I thought I had shit figured out and then I actually lived life and was proven terribly wrong") I was of the school of thought that the latter attitude was just awful and an excuse to sleep around for as long as possible. And even still today I get irritated when someone persists in trying to holla even after I inform them that I have a boyfriend. But my friend's good news got me thinking about whether this issue is as black and white, right vs. wrong, as I originally thought.

Take my friend as example. When she first started "dating" her now fiance, 9 out of 10 disinterested women polled on the street would probably tell you she was being a scandalous scallywag for messing with someone else's man. Now in hindsight though, I would merely have to say "She won." The ultimate purpose of dating (for most people) is to find someone to build a life with, ideally to marry. But the fact is that many people are in lackluster, half hearted relationships that they are holding onto for whatever reason, maybe because it's not bad but not really fantastic, or out of habit, or because that's what they think they want, or whatever. If someone else comes along that is a better match, should they bypass it because of some sense of obligation to the lackluster relationship, or go forward and pursue greater happiness? Should the interloper walk away from someone showing interest in them because that person is supposedly in a relationship which the interloper has no knowledge of its depth or complexity?

Let's take another example: my very own sister. She dated a guy from high school for over 5 years, but then her junior or senior year of college she had another guy incessantly in her ear, calling her all the time over the summer, not really caring at all that she had a boyfriend. That other guy is now my brother-in-law, they have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful life together. Had he abided by the "rules" and left my sister alone out of "respect" for her relationship with a guy who honestly was slipping, my sister would not have the life she has today. My brother-in-law presented himself as the better option, plain and simple. He won.

I'm not saying that anyone who is not married is 100% fair game and that the follow up question to "Yes, I'm seeing someone" should always be "But are you happy?" because really, that just comes off as rude and disrespectful. I'm just making the observation that when it comes to love and dating, history rewrites itself such that seemingly questionable behavior all the sudden becomes justified and endearing. I would be willing to bet that a great number of "how we met" stories involve the scenario "he/she was dating someone already, but I really wanted to get to know him/her" or some other reason why the situation wasn't exactly ideal at the time. During none of the umpteen times your dad tells the story of how he met your mother do you think "Man, what an asshole", but rather "Wow, he really, really wanted to get with mom." After the fact we applaud the persistence, the determination, the romanticism, and the poor ex ("Ole Whats-His-Name") just becomes a forgotten casualty of love.

So I guess I do have to agree that, in the grand scheme of life, you really are single until you're married, not in the sense that you can willy nilly do whatever you want in a relationship and use that as a defense (try saying "It wasn't wrong because we're not married" to your boo and see what happens.... you won't be in that particular relationship much longer), but rather there are no guarantees until you say "I do". Married people are definitely off limits, and at that point you merely become a homewrecker. But for everyone else, relationships come and go and the reality is that there aren't always clean breaks in between them. In the end, when it's all said and done, the only person who matters is the one who won.

All is fair in love and war, loved ones..... and the victor gets to rewrite history.

*Disclaimer: AID will not be held responsible for any head busting or beat downs you may catch going after someone else's (wo)man. Please proceed with caution.

If you like it then you shoulda put some ink on it

2010-06-07T16:46:00.000-04:00

Don't let this happen to you.

Commitment issues.....probably the most rampant mental disorder of men everywhere (and many women as well). Commitment, and marriage specifically, is seen as The Enemy; the sign that you have given up, surrendered, foreclosed all other options.

I can somewhat understand commitment phobia.....to an extent. The trust and faith hurdle can be a big one to overcome (yet not insurmountable). What I will never, EVER understand is this: name tattoos.

Specifically I'm talking about the folks you see with "Tammy" or "Trina" tattooed across their neck/arm/wrist/chest without nary a piece of jewelry on the left hand. And yes, I am zeroing in on the guys because let's be real: At the end of the day, men are the ones who control when a marriage is to occur. Women are usually on board first, waiting for their guy to finally propose. It seems like getting a guy to commit to marriage is a major feat. Yet, despite the proclivity of men to avoid saying "I do" for as long as possible, I still see guys with their lady's name tattooed on their bodies while declaring that they aren't ready for the commitment of marriage.

In case you weren't aware of this patently obvious fact, let me break it down so that it is forever broken and put things into perspective: Marriage, despite best efforts and intentions, is not guaranteed to be permanent. A tattoo, however, is with you for the rest of your natural born LIFE.

How is it that you are scared to make the commitment to make a life with someone, yet you will go have her name permanently implanted in your dermis?? Am I missing something here?? If you intend to be with this woman's name for the rest of your life, have given yourself a 25/8/366 reminder of her existence, have committed to this "artwork" (that term is used very loosely), why is the commitment to marriage so difficult? The whole concept seems very ass backward to me.

And ladies, I'm not letting you off the hook, either. Why would you permanently tattoo "Jon Jon" across your ass when Jon Jon doesn't think enough of you to make you his wife? Is it really wise to forever mark yourself with the name of a man who can up and leave tomorrow on a whim? And if it doesn't work out, do you really think your new beau will want to look at that every day?

Word to the wise: Leave the name tattoos alone unless you're talking about your child, parent, or anyone else who, by default, ain't going anywhere. Even for married folks, don't do it. At one point I considered getting my ex-husband's name tatted on me (though he also shares a first name with my son) and I thank my lucky stars I had sense enough to get an Adinkra symbol instead, because I probably would have clawed the damn thing off myself (eff a laser). I have a friend who had the name of her husband, with which she has 5 kids, tattooed in HUGE letters across her back; I recently saw her in Facebook pictures with her new fiancé. Yes, there is the option of laser removal, but why put yourself through that unnecessarily? Go get a tiger or a butterfly instead.

There's also the matter of the superstition that when you get a tattoo of your lover's name, your relationship is cursed and you are doomed to split up. I'm not sure how true this is, but judging by the amount of cover up work tattoo artists do, I'd say it's best not to test the theory.

If you absolutely MUST express your love via the pulse of an ink covered needle piercing your skin 100 times per second, just do like my sister and brother-in-law and get matching non-name tattoos. Yes, if you break up it will be a reminder, but at least your new boo won't have to be subject to "Property of Booski" every time you undress.

But for real..... just get her a ring instead, m'kay??

Boys to Men

2010-05-21T16:19:00.001-04:00

Recently I had a conversation with one of my friends about a woman he was dating who is a single mother raising a young boy. I thought I had written about my opinions about the ability for a single woman to successfully raise a son into a man, but I couldn't find it on my blogs anywhere. However, I remembered that I actually did commit such opinion to writing (luckily, because I thought I was going crazy) in the form of an e-interview with another blogger.

I'm sure some of you may be a little irked by my opinions, some of you out there raising sons or someone who was raised by a single mother. I just ask (like many of my other posts) that you suspend judgement for the few minutes it takes to read this and really think about what I am saying ~~and save your feminist pitch forks for someone else~~. After all, I am a single woman, I do have a teenage son who is closer to manhood than childhood, so this just isn't another out of touch opinion of someone who's never had to face this situation. So..... *takes deep breath* here it goes:

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1. What are some of the trials you've been faced with in raising a boy to a man?

"Being a man" is one of those things that, as a woman, I know it when I see it, but I don't know how to teach it. I don't know exactly what I need to teach my son in order to teach him to "be a man." There's that balance between that natural desire to protect my son from all the "evils" of the world and makings sure he knows how to deal with them on his own. There are different societal expectations for men and women, and I'm just ill equipped to fully teach him how to meet those expectations.

There's also the challenge of openness of communication. No matter how "cool" mom is, there are just some topics that a boy feels more comfortable talking to another male about. I can generally lecture him about things like sex, but he's not going to come to me with the nitty gritty specific questions.

When I got divorced, I made the difficult decision of letting my son go live with his dad, while my daughter lives with me. He was just starting high school and I knew that these were the years where he would need his dad more than he needed me. Most of my "heavy lifting" as a mother was done when he was young, and now the most important thing he needs right now is strong male influence more than the nurturing of his mother.

2. Do you feel that women can successfully raise boys?

Completely by themselves, no. Young boys need some sort of consistent male role model in their lives, and if this doesn't come from their father then mothers should make sure that they have an uncle, grandfather, god father, church member, coach or some other older male that can help them with the challenges that are unique to males. There are just some aspects of "being a man" that can only be taught by men, and it is apparent when men don't grow up with this consistent positive male influence. I think single women should NOT rely on boyfriends to fulfill this role because there will always be some natural resistance to any man that is romatically involved with a boy's mother.

I see a definite difference between my ex husband and the man I am dating now in terms of the concept of "being a man". Both grew up during their adolescent and teen years without their dad; my ex's parents divorced and his dad disappeared and my boyfriend's dad died when he was 8. I don't think my ex-mother-in-law did a good job making sure he had some outside male influence, while my boyfriend had a godfather and several positive male mentors through various activities his mother had him involved in. My ex husband has done, and continues to do, many things most would consider out of line for how a man should handle a situation (or "bitchassed" for lack of a better term). People are floored when I explain some of the things I've dealt with from him. He always carried a sense of entitlement to what I had and I never got the feeling he felt the need to step up and truly be the head of our household. I see a night and day diffierence between him and my current beau. He is a lot more self sufficient and deals with his obligations as a man and a father much better.

Women cannot teach boys to be men any more than men can teach girls to be women, so it really bothers me when single mothers have the "I can do this all by myself" attitude. It's not a knock on the mother's parenting skills or love for her child. It's just reality. Single mothers have to have reinforcements, just as I'm sure it would be normal to expect a single father raising a daughter to find a female to help him out with his daughter.

3. What do you think are the primary differences when it comes to raising boys and girls?

I think the primary objective of raising a girl is to teach her how to protect herself, while the objective of raising a boy is to teach him how to protect himself AND others. Women are nurturers, men are protectors. I am constantly telling my son to look out for his little sister, as I think ALL boys are taught. I think one of the key negative traits that you see amongst men who don't grow up with strong male influences is selfishness and being self centered. Many of them are constantly looking for a woman to take care of them just like their mother did (as mothers have a natural tendency to do) and don't have that same sense of obligation to sacrafice themselves for the benefit of others. All they have seen is that "mom takes care of me" and they don't see the role that a male plays in a relationship and in society. I can provide a model for my daughter of how she should conduct herself; it's easy for her to mimic me. I do not, on the other hand, want my son to mimic me.

I think people make the mistake of believing in the notion of equality for men and women. In some respects (education, employment opportunities) there should be some equality, but people just need to accept that there are definite differences in men's and women's roles and expectations in society. Boys and girls need influence from both genders, but the primary way they learn to conduct themselves is by examples from people of their same gender.

She's not your Little Freak

2010-04-15T12:08:00.000-04:00

Results may vary from those shown.... proceed with caution.

So this morning I was listening to my Thursday morning guilty pleasure, Wrong Number Flirting, and the mission on which Slutty Chelsea (the telephone decoy) was put upon was a bit different from the typical chick trying to find out if her man is ~~a philandering man whore~~ cheating. Today's caller was a woman (let's call her L) who had been dating a chick (let's call her B) for about 6 weeks and was SO in love with her, but suspected that B still had her foot on the other side of the fence, i.e. she was still seeing men. This was B's first lesbian relationship but had told the L that she'd never felt like this with anyone before, really cared for her, etc. But thanks to a Blackberry and a bit of snooping, ole girl realized her new lady friend was still e-mailing her ex-boyfriend. Enter Slutty Chelsea and her first lesbian challenge.

Slutty Chelsea calls B pretending that her girlfriend recommended B for hair coloring services. Per usual, Slutty Chelsea goes on to play the "you sound hot let's meet up" card, to which B responds that she's flattered, but she has a BOYFRIEND. Busted. L comes back on the phone, hurt and asking for explanations, to which B replies in so many words "This was nothing serious..... I was just having fun." And then her solution to the problem was an an offer bring a guy into the mix. Aye dios mio.

As much as I laughed in my car at the whole scenario (as I do when anyone gets busted), a bigger part of me was pissed on behalf of L and all the other women who have had their feelings hurt by someone who was "just having fun." Dabbling into the realm of bi-sexuality seems to be all the rage now. It's almost a rite of passage for women from 18 to 25 (or beyond). Young women play around for a bit, then box up that phase in their lives and go on to marry Mr. Right and have her 2.5 kids, and might whisper about her exploits to her fellow soccer moms over one too many martinis. No big deal, right? Wrong.

The thing that pisses me off the most about the treatment of gays and lesbians by our society is that they are not seen as human beings with regular human lives and human emotions. All our society sees is SEX, which for any heterosexual person is accepted as only a small facet of their life (unless you're a porn star). ALL people have feelings, seek love, and avoid hurt. B treated L like a game, something fun to do til she got it out of her system, while L was looking for a real committed relationship.

Does this sound familiar?

Let's change the scenario around. Let's say L is a black female, and B is a white male. B has only dated white women, but has always wondered what it would be like to shag a black woman. So he engages L in what she thinks is a relationship, tells her how much he cares for her and how she makes him feel, and later she finds out that Becky has still been on the scene all this time while B used L as something to check off on his "Things to Do Before I Die" list. Swap "black" and "white" for any sort of characteristic (fat, skinny, amputee, little person, visually/hearing impaired) and flip flop the genders..... in all of these scenarios, one person was objectified and treated as a novelty, while the other played with their emotions for the sake of experimentation. People are not experiments, loved ones.

Going back to lesbians..... contrary to popular belief, lesbian women are not solely here for men's entertainment and sowing young women's wild oats. Those girls you see tonguing each other down in the club are not the representatives for women who love being with other women. I know lesbian couples who have been together for years, have homes, families, kids, LIVES together. They want love and happiness just like any other woman. But they want that with another WOMAN, not your freaky ass and whatever dude you want to bring around to add to the mix. Experimenting and dabbling is fine and all, but don't involve someone who is looking for a serious relationship and/or let her know up front what your intentions are. There are plenty of other dabblers and Nicki Minja Little Freaks out there to accomplish your purpose. There are also plenty of lesbian women who get off on "turning out" straight chicks and will enjoy using you just as much as you are using them. Just let them know up front where you're coming from and let them choose whether they want to proceed. Don't play with people's emotions and mislead them for your personal enjoyment, m'kay? It's really a simple, universal rule for any type of relationship.

So ladies, do your thing, explore your lives, just make sure you're not committing woman-on-woman emotional crimes and doing the same thing to lesbian women that you don't want done to you.

Public Snooping... just don't do it

2010-03-27T18:08:00.002-04:00

This is how snooping SHOULD be done.... and in that outfit, too. He might be less mad.

One of my new guilty pleasures has become Thursday morning's Wrong Number Flirting on a local radio station. Basically it's the telephone and radio version of the "sexy decoy" on talk shows. A female who suspects her man may be cheating calls in, tells her story, gives some background, and one of the radio hosts plays the role of "Slutty Chelsea" and calls dude up with a somewhat plausible story and tries to get dude to hook up with her and/or admit some other fact that his girlfriend/wife suspects he's hiding. For example, last Thursday's guy was a math tutor and his girlfriend suspected that he was cheating with his female pupils, so Slutty Chelsea called pretending she needed "late night tutoring sessions." Another week it was a baseball coach and Slutty Chelsea calling as a MILF in need of coaching for her son. Or my favorite was the woman who suspected her fiance had been engaged before and her ring was a hand-me-down..... Slutty Chelsea called claiming to be a friend of the girlfriends, and not only did dude try and have a date with her (because he thought he remembered her) he also admitted to being engaged before and that they only reason his fiance got the second-hand ring is because they were both fat and that was the only place he could get a plus sized ring.......*ouch*.

As entertained as I am while I drive Mini-Me to school each Thursday morning, I also delight in the loathing that I have for the women who call in to set their dudes up. They're usually whiny, insecure, passive aggressive little nags who flip out when someone is prettier than them. For many of them their only "evidence" that their man may be dipping out are the fact that he interacts with women and "acts weird". I'm not much of a fan of snooping in the first place, but if you must do it, do it in private. These women, however, choose to investigate with thousands of people in central region of the state listening in. And this is even worse than the talk shows, because at least the guy consents to going and sitting on Steve Wilko's stage, and if he doesn't have enough sense to know some bad shit is gonna come of it, that's on him. But to just blindside a dude and take your snooping to the public domain by tapping his phone conversation via a popular radio station......cuán patético.

My favorite part, however, is to hear the guys' reactions. Some of them are, in fact, low down dirty dogs who get busted, and it's funny to hear them fumble through an explanation. But for the innocent guys, I like to hear them go OFF on their girlfriends. Sometimes they try and make it seem like dude is an asshole for getting pissed, stressing that there's nothing to be upset about because he "passed" and isn't "in trouble", but I think they are perfectly justified in being pissed off to the highest level of pissivity. Not only does he have to deal with an insecure, whiny chick who's probably already cracked all his passcodes and checks his pockets daily, he's now got to deal with the world knowing that his woman just tried to throw him under the bus on a crowded street. She's taken what should be a private matter and made it very, very public, and didn't even have the she-balls to do it herself. They act like they can't understand why he's so mad. I'm a rather private person (despite what you read on here and Twitter), so I perfectly understand and sympathize...... in fact, I can often be seen driving in my car screaming at the radio "Yea, dumb ass, that's what you GET!" I laughed allll the way to work one day over a woman who ruined her own engagement surprise. Ha ha, bitch. Ha.

Whether you're an advocate of snooping or not (I'm not), or believe it's justified when you find something incriminating (I don't), this is just entirely the wrong way of going about it. Relationship problems should not be aired to the general public in graphic detail, whether that's on a talk show, radio show, blog or Twitter (and yes, I admit I've been guilty of such in the past, but I've checked myself). You shouldn't need the mass media market to back you up. I can't stand that show "The Marriage Ref" because I don't think you should leave it to Madonna and a live studio audience to work out your marital issues. You should just grow a pair (ladies, too) and confront your mate one-on-one, not hide behind some show and let them do your dirty work that you're too much of a wuss to do yourself. The very fact that there are thousands of people like me who eagerly listen and laugh at what otherwise should be a serious issue should deter, not encourage you. These women have reduced themselves to cheap forms of frivolous entertainment and unwittingly dragged their dudes right in along with them. So yes, they deserve to get thoroughly embarrassed and read the riot act in public, where they put themselves in the first place.

So handle your private business in private, loved ones. If you are so immature as to have to get a third-party to trick your mate into revealing information, maybe you need to rethink whether you're mature enough to handle a real relationship in the first place.

Where I Wanna Be......?

2010-03-19T12:47:00.005-04:00

"I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate."

~ Elbert Hubbard

When Donnell Jones' "Where I Wanna Be" first came out, I was really pissed. I liked the song in the abstract, but the lyrics greatly upset me. I was 21 years old, recently married to my one and only boyfriend, and had two kids ages 6 and 1. I just thought Donnell was the biggest asshole in the world. What the hell is this "finding where I wanna be" bullshit?? WTF do you mean that if you love someone you need to leave before you cheat on them?? I felt outraged on behalf of whatever woman was the inspiration for that song, and I'm sure I'm not the only high school sweetheart that felt a little..... threatened.

But then, like with so many other things, I grew up. And hindsight is a mutha.

High school sweethearts are like puppies.... everyone ooohs and ahhhs and "that's so cute!" at them, but don't think about how they piss and shit all over your house and chew up all your furniture. The idea of high school sweethearts is nice and all, but in reality you may not only be selling yourself short, but selling your relationship short. Before you start mentally composing your "Nuhh-uhhh!!" comments telling me about how long you've been married to the captain of the football team for which you were a cheerleader, or how your grandparents got married at 12, just wait for my ~~twisted~~ logic and hear me out.

We often cannot appreciate what we have until we experience and appreciate what we don't have. And this is where the utility of dating different people comes into play. Every relationship-- even the crappy one ~~with the psychotic stalker~~ -- is instrumental in your growth as a person and as a potential companion. You get to learn what you like AND what you don't like, what behaviors are normal and which are extraordinary, and the successful and unsuccessful ways of interacting and communicating. The ability to compare and contrast is invaluable whether you realize it or not. I realize it in hindsight because I was not able to compare and contrast, and neither was my ex-husband, because all we knew were each other. He didn't know how tolerant I was, or how well I could cook, or how ~~phenomenal~~ good I was as a lover, because he had nothing to compare it to. And I didn't know how I deserved to be treated by a man, because I had no way of comparing. Our relationship existed in a vacuum, as do most high school sweetheart relationships.

When I started seeing other people, it was like a whole new world opened up within myself. You mean to tell me I'm NOT a crazy psycho girl that my ex always told me I was, but am really actually a pretty laid back chick? So I really AM a fantastic oral advocate (he tried to tell me I wasn't) and can turn a man on at the drop of a hat (he tried to say.... well, never mind... he had some "issues")?? And yes, I can cook my ass off? Oral sex in and of itself is enjoyable?? No, dudes aren't supposed to sit back and watch their woman fix shit around the house?? All of these things weren't revealed to me until after I had something to compare my first and only relationship with. And yes, I'm sure there were some positive things about him that I didn't see til I started dating............. I just can't think of any right now.

There is also something to be said about the power of choice. When you're dealing with toddlers, one technique parenting "experts" tell you to do is to give them the ability to choose between two options when in actuality they'd really rather do neither. If Suzie doesn't want to put on her sweater, you make the situation a little more tolerable by giving her the choice between her red sweater or her purple sweater. People, starting before they can even communicate, like to feel like they have control over their lives, and choice is one way of exercising that control. Being able to choose Option A between A and B is a lot more satisfying than just only having Option A. It's the psychological benefit of that choice, that control.

While human beings are just slightly more complicated than sweaters, the same concept applies. I have a friend who is dating a woman he originally dated back in undergrad. Since then he's been married, divorced, dated woman locally and across the country. But he said that they now finally realized and accepted how good they were for each other. Dating (and sometimes marrying) other people gives you an appreciation for what you have now. I'm not saying that before you settle down with the person you potentially want to spend the rest of your life with that you have to go out and play the field one last time to be extra sure. I'm saying that the experience of dating more than one person (not necessarily simultaneously) at some point in your life (hopefully before you meet your soul mate) helps you to be more comfortable with your ultimate choice because you have a better awareness of what your likes and dislikes are, as well as how your mate stacks up in the grand scheme of things. And also just because you actually have a choice.

So back to Donnell.......I get it now. Perhaps he went out and dated a few ~~skeezers~~ chicks and realized that his original lady really was the one for him (tho good luck getting her to come back.... that's a whole 'nother issue) or perhaps he realized she wasn't The One, thus saving them both from wasting a lot of time together (and making him, not Usher, the artist behind "Papers"). But at least now he KNOWS [insert GI Joe quote here].

You're staying with WHO??

2010-03-16T16:30:00.004-04:00

As I've previously mentioned, I'm dating a man who has a child (I called it "Brady Bunch Dating"). Dating by itself is tricky, but dating when you have kids presents it's own set of unique issues. We've been over the weekend coordination hurdle trying to get our visitation weekends on the same schedules so we didn't always have a kid (or 2) around every weekend. We've done the group vacation thing involving last minute negotiations with a baby momma who threatened the week before the trip to punish his son for doing something relatively minor by not allowing him to go with us. We've listened to each other's tales of woe and frustration dealing with our respective other parents. Overall it works pretty well, but it has its challenges.

Recently I have been faced with a challenge that has tested my ability to focus on priorities over feelings. Back in December my beau's son's mother had another baby (no not his, thank the Most High) so she was unable to make the 3 hour round trip to their meeting spot on his visitation weekends with a baby in the car. Whereas many fathers would just say eff it and take the loss on the visitation time, he decided to be the bigger person and instead drive the entire three hour each way trip to where his son lives and just stay the weekend in that city. Okay, yes I miss him while he's gone, but it's not as bad because I have my own kids on the same weekend (after a year long battle). But the problem is his accommodations while he's there. Hotels twice a month would be a ridiculous expense on top of what he was paying for gas. Originally he was supposed to be staying with a cousin or a fraternity brother, but they all flaked out on him. The only other person who offered to help was a friend..... a female friend.

Now, from a logical, rational standpoint I said to myself that I was quite sure he was being truthful when he said that she really is, and always has been, just a friend. (No Biz Markey) But you ladies (and I'm sure guys too) know that feeling.... that icky stomach feeling.... that uncomfortable I-just-don't-like-it feeling? I think it's called..... um, let me see...... jealousy/insecurity/possessiveness/take-two-steps-back-away-from-my-toes-ness. It's a natural emotional reaction. However, where the road forks is when you decide what you are going to do in response to those feelings.

My choice was to put on my big girl panties and not say a damn thing.

I know most women would be like "Aw. Hell. To the. Naw." The issue actually was brought up by his son's mother who didn't understand how I could possibly let it happen (to which he responded "And that's why you're not my girl.") For most women, the thought of their man going every other weekend to stay at some chick's house with his son when you don't know her, never met her, don't know what her angle is or intentions are, is a little too much for most women to bear. And I'm a woman too so I'm not above those feelings myself. What I am above, however, is doing anything to interfere with or complicate his time with his child. Fathers have enough stress to deal with trying to be the best parent they can be given the limited time they have with their kids. I can't stand when girlfriends/new wives come in and make things even MORE complicated because of how a situation makes them feel. Guess what, sweetheart? It's not about you. You, unfortunately, don't come first, and you never will.

So though I really don't like it and wish it were different, I've shoved those feelings down into the sub-basement, kept my thoughts to myself, and stepped out on faith a little. I really admire and respect everything he puts up with and overcomes to be a good father, so who am I to make things even more difficult. It did make me feel good the other day when he let me know he actually noticed and thanked me for it, and asked me how I felt about it. Because even though there's nothing to be done about it, I appreciated being able to get my feelings out.

I'm not saying you have to blindly go along with any story your man or woman throws at you using their child as an alibi, which isn't cool either (but happens). Just don't over complicate an already tough and complicated situations by always demanding that your feelings come first. You may win the battle in the short term, but in the end nothing good comes of pitting your man against his child. Not his child's mother... his child, because that's who ultimately gets affected.

Say it with love, say it with meat

2010-03-08T15:14:00.001-05:00

I'm all about fairness and equality (even if fairness and equality aren't always about me), so in that spirit I want to share a little info about the guys' response to Valentine's Day.... yes, I am talking about Steak and Blow Job Day (or SBJ Day for short).

SBJ Day is on March 14th and is considered to be the complementary holiday to Valentine's Day just for the guys. It's your opportunity to really show your appreciation for your man ~~that you should be showing all year long, but that doesn't stop V-Day from being celebrated.~~

SBJ Day is about exactly what it says..... no flowers, candy, gifts, cards, jewelry, stuffed animals. Just a steak. And a blow job. That's it. You have to admire the simplicity of it really. I guess you could fret over which cut of steak you'll buy, or just which ~~Superhead inspired~~ "technique" you will use, but honestly, I don't think he'll care, and it's just another unnecessary layer of complexity that we women tend to put on everything (yea, I said it).

The origins of the holiday are somewhat ambiguous. It was founded some time around 2002, probably as a joke, but not surprisingly it actually took hold. Go survey 10 people in the grocery store, and I'm sure an overwhelming zero percent of them know about it. But I know about it, dammit. And now you do, too.

And because I'm such a proponent of fairness and an advocate of properly "showing appreciation", here are a few helpful ideas to make your SBJ Day experience a success:

Steak Recipes-- Steaks is a pretty basic food to cook, but can go horribly wrong if not done right. Here are 3,008 recipes for beef steak to choose from, ranging from the basic to the complex. Here is a guide to how to choose a good steak and a guide to choosing the best cut of steak for various recipes. Or if your skills in the kitchen are lacking, you can always take him out for a steak ~~though it is much harder for you to serve it to him naked~~.

Alternatives for Non-Beef Eaters-- The name of the holiday just says "steak", but not what KIND of steak. If your man doesn't eat beef, here are some alternatives that are still with the spirit of the holiday:

Fish steaks -- Fish steaks are cut perpendicular to the backbone, as a opposed to fillets which are cut parallel to it. Salmon, swordfish, halibut, turbot, tuna, shark, sturgeon, and mahi mahi all make for good steaks. Here are some fish steak recipes for your non-bovine eating man.

Vegetarian "steaks"-- Thanks to advances in food science (or magic), there are a wide assortment of vegetarian "meats" including the vegetarian steak. Or you can grill him up a portobello mushroom which is considered the "steak of the mushroom world".

BJ Tips and Tricks -- Um, yea..... not gonna put myself out there and give away my personal secrets. I will say though that the key to a good BJ is effort and enthusiasm ~~and no teeth~~. If you approach it like a chore, it will be received as a chore. Ladies, it's not that bad, and if you are over the age of 23 still turning your nose up and saying "eww, I'd never"..... shame on you. Grow up, put on your big girl panties and handle your business (before someone else does for you). However, if your oral advocacy skills aren't quite up to par (or just need a refresher course), Sunny Crittenden's BJs 101 is a pretty good primer.

SBJ Day Cards-- not really necessary (since the name is not SBJC Day) but may be a nice touch, something to send to him early in the day in anticipation of what to come later (no pun intended, but feel free to use it). Remember, the most important sexual organ is between the ears. And the verses on the cards are actually kinda funny.

So there it is. No sense in feigning ignorance now.... you know what you need to do. So ladies, get your marinades and your lip gloss ready and show your man just how much you care.

Divorcees..... damaged goods?

2010-02-23T16:25:00.000-05:00

We have all met this person, or are related to this person, or have heard of this person..... the (wo)man who has been married and divorced 4 times, can't manage to stay in a marriage for more than 3 years, are ready to jump the broom again before the ink is even dry on the previous divorce decree; the serial spouse. I think we can all agree that, more likely than not, he or she is doing something wrong when it comes to the state of holy matrimony.

But what about people like me? People who may have just not married the right person that first time around for whatever reason. Is there an automatic assumption about people in that situation that they must not be marriage material, that the failure of their marriage is proof of their lack of spouse potential? Are we, in fact, damaged goods?

I (think) I had a conversation about this at an engagement party a few weeks ago (there was a lot of sangria involved, so details are fuzzy). The conversation started out discussing the appropriate age for marriage-- young vs. older-- but as a divorcee over the age of 30, I had to put my two cents in regarding those of us who have already been down the aisle (and back) once. Not only did I advocate that you should wait til after the age of 25 to do anything permanent (marriage, kids, tattoos) I also state the case that a divorce is not necessarily the mark of failure, but the mark of experience. Sometimes knowing what doesn't work is just as important as knowing what does. It's like learning to drive.... you may know the basics of gas, brake, turn signal, slow down on curves, but you may not know how to get yourself out of a snow bank unless you've actually run into, and had to get out of, one. I know that simply pushing down the gas pedal doesn't work. I've learned from experience (and a little advice from mom, i.e. an experienced snow driver) that rocking the car back and forth in forward and reverse does..... but only AFTER I drove into said snow bank.

I have spent the last 2 years doing a lot of self reflection (mostly on this blog) to figure out what went wrong, how might I have reacted better to problems, and what can I do better in the future. I see little utility in playing the blame game and thinking up all the reasons why your ex is to blame for ~~all the evils in the world~~ the demise of your relationship. Since the only person you can change and control is yourself, it is best to focus on the things that YOU can change about YOU, because in most divorces where the cause was "irreconcilable differences" both parties played a part in its undoing to some extent. His or her admission of fault or change does nothing for your future relationships.

For example.... I am a rug sweeper. Instead of addressing issues as they arose, I would always back down and sweep the issue under the rug instead of saying my piece, just to keep peace. This then led to an unhealthy level of distraction seeking, which, again, instead of facing the issue, I found ways to distract myself from thinking about them. I'm sure there are many others (which I've recounted elsewhere in this blog on many occasions), but you get the idea. Now I make a conscious effort not to sweep so much under the rug (though I also know that not every issue is worth going to the mat on) and try and express myself more so I don't wind up in the same mess I was in before repeating the same mistakes.

I'd like to think of myself as being battle tested, and though I've had a few casualties, I think I've come away with some valuable lessons for the future. I know that every little (or big) fight isn't the end of the world, that you should have some "untouchable" subject matters and rules for fighting because you will HAVE to see this MF later that night and the next day, that every day isn't roses and ~~earth shattering orgasms~~ candle light dinners, that you may have days (or even weeks) where you just don't LIKE the other person, but that doesn't mean that the love isn't there and it's time to ditch the relationship.

I think many single people are afraid of marriage because it is harder to jump ship at any sign of trouble. At least with someone who has been married before you know that they at least abandoned that fear once and they know how painful it is to get out. Personally, I never want to go through that ever again.... been there, done that, don't want another t-shirt. So the next time I get married, I'm going to do everything I can so I don't have to.

So for all my fellow divorcee's out there, don't get down on yourselves as you head back out into the dating world. And to anyone out there who may meet a divorcee, don't automatically assume that he or she must not know how marriage works. Most of us know exactly how it works..... AND how it doesn't.

Tick......Tock........

2010-02-12T00:32:00.000-05:00

When I was younger, I never really understood the big deal behind the biological clock. Why were these late 20 and 30-something chicks all up in a tither about having kids? I mean, it'll happen when it happens (as everything happens just as it should), right? Modern medical technology makes age less of a concern, no? And it always seems like folks are getting pregnant by accident all the damn time anyway, so just chill out.....

Then I turned 31.

At 30, I still wasn't too concerned about the issue. Granted, my son will be in college in 2 years and my daughter will be in high school in 3, but thanks to this effed up road I've taken in my life those factors still didn't outweigh the fact that I am still a relatively young women, and the vast majority of women in my circle-- including both my sisters-- had kids in their 30's or have yet to even have children. So realistically, I'm comfortably within the norm.

However, as I'm rounding the bend and heading toward my 32nd birthday this summer, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried just a little bit. Ok, maybe quite a bit. I'm remembering how much trouble and discomfort I had with my daughter when I was only 21..... I developed high blood pressure, had constant excruciating headaches, and had to go for extra tests and screenings (including carrying around a jug I had to pee in for 24 hours... ugh) to make sure I didn't develop preeclampsia, a potentially life threatening condition. Fast forward 10 years, when generally you start to notice that you don't have as much energy and "snap back" as you used to, combined with the fact that I still have blood pressure issues..... it has me hearing the tick, tock, tick of that bio clock myself.

Aside from the health issues, I also have a number of situational factors that cause me concern. First, as mentioned, I have a SERIOUS age gap issue with my existing kids, though toting a diaper bag to my son's freshman orientation is not as serious of a concern, particularly considering how early I started. The bigger concern, however, is relationship timing. I at least am over the first hurdle..... I do have a beau, I love him dearly, and I could see us together for the long haul. But I want to be married before I have anymore kids.... do it "right" at least one time out of three. However, he plans on going to grad school soon. So take my age this year (32) add on 3 years for a master's program, and that puts me at 35, the magic age when pregnancies officially become "high risk". Yes, both of our mothers had kids past the age of 35 who are perfectly fine. But I am not looking forward to the major bodily ass whooping that pregnancy is going to increasingly lay on me as the years go on.

I don't want to put any pressure on him or give him any kind of "ultimatums" (which I hate), but facts are facts, worries are worries, concerns are concerns, reality is reality. He tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to happen..... no, it'll happen when I decide it's gonna happen due to a little thing called an I.U.D. that has to be removed before any show can get on the road. There's no "Oops! I guess this was just supposed to happen now!" possibility going on here. My womb is protected like Brinks.

I told myself that 35 was my cut off, that after that I'd just have to be happy with my two wonderful children and that there'd be no more womb fresh babies for me. I know this is something for which I have no choice but to wait and see what happens, and whatever happens I'll just have to accept it. But, like many, many, many realizations in my life, now that I'm in the situation I see the dilemma and hear that clock.

tap tap Is this thing on?

2010-02-11T21:33:00.001-05:00

Um yea..... so I know that I said that my last post was my LAST post, but after a convo with another fellow divorcee blogger, I decided to make a comeback.

Sort of.

The reason I abandoned Adventures in Divorce was because I felt it was mired in negativity, so I wanted to start a new blog with a more positive focus and leave all this divorce mess behind. Well, sometimes it helps to be negative, or at least get the negativity out so you can move on to something positive. And the fact is, I'm still a divorcee. Period. I still have occasional baby-daddy drama, I still have amusing and frustrating stories dealing with two household parenting, I still have interesting tidbits about the process of moving on and rebuilding.

I realized that this isn't over. The seas may have calmed a bit, but I'm still out here sailing in the wake of this monumental and life altering event. And I also realized that while my stories may seem like they are filled with bad energy to me, they may offer some help and comfort to others going through similar situations. They also serve as a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.

So here is my compromise: I'll bring back the archived AID, but my main baby is still going to be Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess so I can write about things other than divorce and dating. But as noteworthy AID-esq things or ideas occur, I'll post occasionally. Okay? Okay.

Welcome back, loved ones.

Fin

2009-10-08T18:43:00.007-04:00

This will be my last blog post here at Adventures in Divorce. I can't say I've been thinking about this for awhile.... like many decisions I make it came more in the form of an epiphany than mulling over it, weighing the pros and cons, and finally arriving at a decision. That's not to say this is a rash, un-thought out decision. I think it's just time.

Originally when I started this blog, the purpose was somewhat therapeutic for me..... so much craziness was going on dealing with my divorce that I needed to let it out (and sometimes laugh) to keep from crying. I wanted to connect with other people going through similar issues with divorce and its aftermath by sharing my experiences, thoughts and stories. But now I feel confined by it.... I find myself wanting to write about certain things and deciding not to because it didn't fit with the "theme" of the blog. Then came the issue of not wanting to write about an active relationship as not to say something that I would regret later, or just not feeling like it was appropriate to discuss such subjects in the blogosphere. As the divorce drama started to die down and the dating roller coaster (if I was even on one.... that's a whole 'nother subject) began to slow, I found that I had less and less relevant material to write about. I also never set out to be another relationship advice blog, because goodness knows there are enough of them out there written by people who've never had a relationship last more than a year (I'm being hyperbolic here, but you know what I'm saying.... or at least, you should). I don't profess to have the answers about anything... all I can do is share what I've been through, and my thoughts, theories and reactions to them. But that's where I'm starting to see it go, so I figure I ought to just put it out of its misery now.

More importantly, though, I'm finding myself mired in the past way too much, and this blog is one of the symbolic anchors holding me back. The name itself is an albatros: Adventures in Divorce. I'm tired of the title of "divorcee" and am ready to get on with the business of life that comes after the divorce. I'm ready to shake off all the vestiges of that season in my life and enter a new one. Hell, my login still contains my old last name, so I'm reminded of the ordeal every time I sign into my blog (and I always get kicked out of my current Gmail account, so I can't even blog and e-mail/chat at the same time).

I've also learned a lot in the past year and a half and made A LOT of mistakes..... mistakes in attitude, judgment, action and perspective. And I have learned from these mistakes. Some of my posts I will stand by to this day, but many of them reflect flawed or distorted thinking at the time I wrote them. The unfortunate (but also fortunate) thing about written words is that they are static..... the thoughts and attitudes behind them may have changed, but the words always stay the same. I view blog posts similar to the way I view photographs.... they are snapshots in time. Nobody expects the people and the scenarios depicted in the photo to remain just as they are in the picture. But I can't expect people to read these posts like I do..... as a progression, a journey. It is easy to assume that a blog post I wrote a year ago reflects my thoughts and feelings on the subject now, and I can almost guarantee you that's not the case. I have been through so much emotional turmoil and so much personal growth and change that I don't want some of these attitudes attributed to me now, and I don't want the emotional burden of those words on me. Viewpoints change, arguments change, attitudes change, actions change..... but words don't. I'm glad that I have these written snapshots as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going, but it's time to put them away.

Don't fret though, loved ones..... I didn't say I was done blogging. I just said I'm done with THIS blog. I want to open up my blog to whatever I feel like writing about and not be confined to divorce and dating and parenting and DRAMA. I think I'm going to import some of my favorites from AID, but the rest are eventually going into my personal archives..... maybe I'll pull them out when I've finally reached that happier place. But right now I need to do something to get to that happier place, and dwelling in and on the past is getting me nowhere.*

*Sidenote: It was brought to my attention that one attributes of Cancers is that we tend to dwell in and hold onto the past. I can't say I disagree with that, so with that said I am making a conscious choice not to now that I am aware of that tendency. The first step toward recovery is acceptance that you have a problem....... right?

So, coming soon you can find the new and improving (can't even say improved, cuz that's what life is all about.... constantly improving) me at a new address in the blogosphere..... I'm not even going to use my same pseudonym anymore. My snake, Pandora, died the other day (in case you didn't know, Anesidora is another name for Pandora), plus I don't want to be that person anymore. Likewise, the Twitter account is going as well. That's the beautiful (and tragically sad) thing about the Internet..... reinvention is just a delete key away. I'll leave the blog up for a little while, but soon it will be gone. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.

Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess....... coming soon (like as in NOW).

AID..... Fin.

Weekly Love Horoscope

2009-10-07T11:27:00.003-04:00

Cancer Weekly Love Horoscope
(June 21 - Jul 22)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- The Moon in your sign brings your emotions to a peak. These could mean some intense moments, especially late Friday and on Sunday. Trying to hold on to what you have can be frustrating as it's better ~~to let go~~ or make radical changes now. A strong attraction for someone needs to be tested over time instead of assuming that he or she feels the same way.

Sagittarius Weekly Love Horoscope
(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

For the Week of Oct 5th, 2009 -- If you're really serious about your current relationship or want to get closer ~~to someone new~~, this is a good weekend for it. The Moon is in your 8th House of Intimacy, which will test your commitment and your compassion. It's not all about fun and games right now; this is a time to go deeper emotionally or you'll find yourself sitting on the sidelines.

(www.tarot.com)

EBS Friday Edition: It's Your Move

2009-09-25T11:22:00.002-04:00

Across Your Bread
by Jill Scott

I'm juss gon say what I need to
juss gon put it on the table
And spread it across your bread

As much as I didn't want
I have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love with every molecule of
you

The walk on you
The way you out then in breathe
Simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my knees beggin' to part
I do (shaking my head up and down)
I do
love everything about you
All that makes you you
And what I do not know, I swear I will love too
If you just show me

I know it's crazy but I swear
My heart doesn't pump blood
When you are not near me
I juss walk my way through life comatose
Til I hear my name in your key
I juss stay
Hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what I got
Cool for me to give you what I keep
Cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples

And the pears but you don't
Won't
Accept it then accept it then return it
My logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
My feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing

Don't you see?
I'm willing
Willing
To go that extra continent
Willing
To carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
I am placing myself on the table
Spreading myself across your bread
So, say something
It's your move

"It's a dangerous necessity.... a world famous mystery......"

2009-09-23T20:25:00.004-04:00

"It's a dangerous necessity, a world famous mystery......."

.......Love.

It is such a small word. Too small, in fact. And yes, I do mean "small" in the sense that it is insufficient to encompass and characterize the range of human emotions and experiences that the word is used to describe. There really needs to be more words, a delineation of the different types of love, sort of like how Eskimos supposedly have many different words for "snow".

The Greeks got close.... they have 6 different words for love:

* Agapē (αγάπη agápē) means "love" in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you." In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros." Agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.

* Eros (ερως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros.

* Philia (φιλία philia) means friendship in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

* Storge (στοργή storgē) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

* Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in ancient and modern Greek. It is the desire to do something, to be occupied, or to be in prominence.

* Xenia (ξενία xenía), hospitality, was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and his guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

I can certainly understand and identify examples of each type of love in my life..... I have agape for all of my readers, eros for that certain someone ~~who doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now~~, philia for my BFFs, storge for my kids, and xenia for people who I may not know well but who are welcome in my home. And, of course, there are some overlaps.... I may have more than one type for one person.

In the English language, however, we condense all of these concepts down into one word: Love. And like the literary commingling of these concepts into the word "love", I think we humans also tend to emotionally commingle these concepts as if they were fungible and interchangeable such that we get confused as to what type of love we are actually feeling, and may mistake one for another. Or, what's worse, is that we may only come to recognize one type and think that all the others aren't really "love"..... typically this is true as it relates to Eros.

I'm sure everyone has known or heard of that one person who has been married 5 times, or that friend who goes through boyfriends/girlfriends like water. Usually these are the most hopelessly romantic, head over heels, disgustingly syrupy-sweet cake baking-est people in the world. They fall "in love" hard and fast...... and they also fall OUT of love hard and fast.

I think their problem is that these individuals only recognize that Eros feeling as "love". Because I hate to tell you, loved ones, the other types of love are.... well.... kinda boring. Or at least not exciting in the way that it makes you feel giddy and butterflies and swooning all over the place making goo-goo faces at each other. It doesn't give you that RUSH. Not saying that Eros doesn't last at all in a relationship, it just diminishes in intensity in a long term loving relationship. If all goes well, Eros gives way to Agape, Philia, and eventually Storge.

Eros, though, is addictive. And like any other drug, it clouds your judgment, and makes you long for it when it goes away.

(This would be a good time to go read My Chemical Romance, which partially explains how and why this happens.)

But if there's nothing else to back up that feeling, it does and will go away. And it's not what REAL love is all about anyway.... it's not enough to sustain a relationship. One of my favorite analogies of this (and forgive me if I'm being redundant) is that of a campfire. If you throw lighter fluid soaked kindling onto a fire, sure it'll burn hot and bright.... but a few minutes later your fire is out. You need both kindling (Eros) AND a few solid pieces of firewood (Agape and Philia) to keep it going. You may not be able to see the heat ("Ooooh, pretty flames!") but you can feel it, and it'll keep you warm and comfortable all through the night. *snuggle* Too many people think that when they no longer feel those butterflies that love is gone, and then it's on to the next one. They don't take the time to appreciate the other types of love and that THOSE are the types that we all should be striving for.

Though they don't number all that many, I've had enough Eros-driven relationships to last me one lifetime. Of course, I need Eros in my life (my most prominent "Love Language" is physical touch and I'm a..... uh.... very passionate person), but what I really long for is comfort, that feeling that all is right with the world. I had that, and I fucked it up ~~on some pure Eros shyt that turned out to be just a pile of burnt out ashes~~. In the short time I've been dating, I've (finally) learned to truly appreciate the difference and not get caught up in the illusion of love..... hopefully not too late.

My Chemical Romance Part Deux: The Spiritual Connection

2009-09-22T18:10:00.008-04:00

Yesterday I discussed the scientific and biological reasons why a Friends with Benefits arrangement just doesn't work. We're hard wired for it NOT to work. Well today I'm featuring a guest blog post by WifeofUriah that addresses the issue from a different aspect..... the spiritual aspect.

Science and spirituality..... at first glance they are seemingly at odds. But really they are in perfect harmony with each other. I may seem like a big ole heathen not be the most religious person in the world, but I do believe in a Creator and that there are forces and energies at work that cannot be seen or explained within the realm of human knowledge, but play a definite role in our lives. But whether you can measure or observe it or not, it was all created by The Most High as part of the same design. Hormones and biological processes are only part of the story when it comes to intimate human relations.....I truly believe that there is more. Whether you are religious or not, really stop and think about what WifeofUriah has to say and I guarantee you'll be able to identify with at least one point, but probably more.

Ok, enough editorializing. Check out the FWB quandary from this perspective, and let me know what you think. It's all about idea sharing and diversity of thought here at AID. Enjoy:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Before reading, you should note that I am a die hard Christian. Now, wait! Before you click the X in the corner of your computer screen, I should tell you that I’m definitely not your stereotypical Christian. I don’t believe in a bunch of rules. I believe that Jesus came and died to free me from religious rituals and rules because He knew I could never keep them. (“I did not come to condemn the world, but to save you from your wrong.” See, John 3:17). I believe that God wants a spiritual connection with me (i.e. a relationship), so, I live my life following Christ and allowing His Spirit to give me access the knowledge and wisdom of God, completely free from ~~weird customs and other man-made rules-o-crap~~ legalistic and religious bondage. In other words I’m definitely spiritual and, I believe everything happens in the spirit realm before manifesting in the natural realm and thus my blog post is coming from that perspective. But don’t get it twisted, whether you believe in God, gods, Christ, or Little Jack Horner, you will be unable to disregard the logic that’s about to smack you in the face. =)

Now, onto the topic at hand….Friends With Benefits. Anesidora did a fantastic post on the subject last night. I couldn’t agree with her more. So often, people try to say sex is just a physical act. But Anesidora definitely made it clear that it is an act with emotional attachment. If you need to re-read her post, please do that here.

I’m gonna take it a step further and say: Sex is an act with spiritual attachment.

“See, understand something my brothers and my sisters, men are, they are projectors…and women are receptive. They - men, they release and women, they get an impartation … You know why there is more pain for women that are single than it is for men? Men, after they project themselves and they get a release, what they’ve lost is strength. So, every time they sleep with a woman and that woman is not their wife, they’re losing strength. But see, every time a man sleeps with us, we’re getting a deposit. Now let me help you with something. If in fact, that the Scripture lets us know, that marriage is not going to the courthouse and standing in front of the altar, [then] our mates are chosen in the spirit realm. And I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I got my divorce, I went to court and the judge said to me, he said, “Was this marriage consummated?” And, you know, me being slow and from the ghetto, I leaned over to my lawyer, I said, “That’s a big word. What does that mean?” He said, “It means ‘Did you have sex with the man’?” And I said, “Well yes, I did.” He said, “Then, it was consummated.” Which means, it doesn’t matter [whether] you got a piece of paper. Once you have had sex with a man, then what happens according to the realm of the spirit, the spirit of that man steps in your body…and now you are attached.”

Juanita Bynum, “No More Sheets” (1998) (start at 9:10-10:01); No More Sheets: Part 3 (0:00 to 1:10)

Yes, Ladies, I’m saying that every time we have sex with a man, we take in his spirit. Every time. Yep, go ahead and just count the number of sexual partners you have had. Yep, all them nuccus are in your spirit. Competing. War-ring. Trying to find their place…in a shared space. And when you take in a man’s spirit, it begins to make you connected to him. You made an FWB arrangement with a football player? You don’t even care for football. Now after having sex, you find yourself all up on him wanting to watch football. Before, you didn’t even think he was cute. You had sex with the lights off and shades pulled! But now? Now you can’t get him off your mind. Before, you didn’t have anything in common, but now? Ya’ll are starting to look alike, talk alike, smell alike… Spiritual Attachment.

Yes, Men, I’m saying that every time you have sex with a woman, you’re giving her your spirit. You’re losing a piece of yourself to her, losing a piece of your strength to her. And since she’s not your wife, (i.e. no real and absolute investment in this woman) she is completely unable to invest back into you to give you that piece of yourself back. Don’t believe me? Ever met a man whore? Ever picked up his energy and think, “Sheesh! What’s wrong with that guy?” Well, I’ll tell you. He’s depleted. It’s an energy of depletion. A spirit of not being made whole. He has given himself away to too many women without any way of being made whole again. Unfortunately, he keeps sleeping around in an effort to feel whole, not realizing he’s making matters worse…. Spiritual Depletion.

Your spirit is the very essence and core of your being. It is the way you are connected to God and are sensitive to the spirit realm. Because of this, it is imperative that you keep your spirit clean, whole, free of negativity and evil, and definitely free of any bondage. But when we enter into FWB arrangements, we end up making spiritual connections with people (1) we never wanted a connection with in the first place and (2) our spirit is being held captive/inhabited by that other person’s spirit.

So, while the FWB arrangement sounds great in theory, I’m telling you that no matter what you say or think, no matter how you try to frame it, FWB arrangements have serious consequences because it makes the participants “one in the spirit”, automatically intertwined with the spirit of another. You may not see it or feel it right away, but like I said – it happens in the spirit realm first.

That’s why:

parents, when your children become sexually active, you can sense a change in their spirit when they walk past you.
co-workers, when two co-workers start having sex, you’ll notice a shift in the atmosphere and can sense it when you walk past their cubicles.
spouses, when your spouse dips out and cheats, you can sense it when they try to touch you.

It’s all because your spirit has picked up on the latest happenings in the spirit realm…

The most unfortunate part about it is that once the spiritual attachment takes place, you cant just say “Hey, I don’t wanna be intertwined with this person anymore” and then it be undone. No, no, no. If it were that easy, then divorce court would immediately sever all bonds between two previously married persons. No, no, my friends – in order to break the spiritual bond – you have to purge that person out of your spirit. A spiritual cleansing.

And…it can take weeks, months, or years.

Now, I can hear some of ya’ll saying: "naw, I’ll be alright." Really? Until you are delivered from the spiritual consequences, you will never be satisfied in a relationship. Ladies, you can try to move on to a new man, but you’ll never be satisfied. Why? Because the new man’s spirit is competing with the spirit of the other men still in there. In your mind and spirit, you will be trying to make him like all the other men in there. That’s why you’re telling the new man: hold me like this, spank me like this, lift me like this, kiss it like this….you’re trying to make the new man do what Johnny did best, what Tyrone did best, what Brian did best, and what Ray Ray did best. Another example: have you ever been out somewhere and saw an old fling and something jump inside your stomach? Perhaps you get a flashback? Yep, that’s cuz you may have said it was over, but he’s still inside of your spirit and that spirit sensed he was around. YOU HAVE TO PURGE HIM OUT OF THERE!

Men, this goes for you, too. You have to purge yourself of the women you’ve slept with, with the goal of being made whole, or restored. You can’t be all that you can be for “The One” if you’re still weakened by the deposits of pieces of your spirit in Tanisha, Ericka, Joy, and Lisa. Not to mention, you have to deal with the consequences of those women still being attached to you…So men, RECLAIM YOUR SPIRIT and BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RESTORATION!

Now, I practice what I preach. I have been celibate for one year and one month (trust me, I’m not bragging, okay?) It’s not to satisfy a religious rule, per se. It is because I am trying to prepare my spirit for “The One”. So many of us women want to be married/re-married, but as Bynum states in her message, we can’t get married because with all those men in our spirit, we can’t truly be labeled as “single.” I spend time before God and walking and talking with Him so that He may deliver me from the attachment to every man I have slept with, whether I slept with him one time, or one-hundred times. I’m proud to say I’m almost done. I’ve only got two more men to go. And whenever I’m tempted to do another FWB arrangement, I simply can’t justify it being worth the time of ~~stalking, feeling confused, getting pissed off, and wanting to be violent~~ purging.

Peace and Blessings,
TheWifeofUriah

http://www.wifeofuriah.blogspot.com

My Chemical Romance

2009-09-21T19:56:00.010-04:00

No, not talking about this Chemical Romance:

I'm talking about THIS chemical romance:

That, loved ones, is the molecular structure for Oxytocin..... the chemical that induces labor (the synthetic form is Pitocin.... I'm sure every mother has at least heard of it), the chemical that is released during breast feeding that "lets down" the milk (otherwise we'd be leaving puddles of milk everywhere all the time) and causes bonding between mother and baby, and it's the chemical that helps us create emotional bonds with people in general. Oxytocin also reduces fear, increases eye contact, and increases trust and generosity.

It's also the chemical released in much greater levels in women than men during sex.

(Of course, there are other chemicals involved in this whole process, such as vasopressin and dopamine, and this is not intended to be a comprehensive lesson in the Science of Sex. My point is.... well, you'll see my point.....)

As much as I hate to concede biological and evolutionary defeat on this subject...... women biologically are unable to completely separate sex from love (or some other comparable emotional attachment) leading to many ~~busted windows and stalker behavior~~ misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Intellectually we may be able to say "it's just sex", but Mother Nature has other plans for us, and you don't go toe to toe with Mother Nature.... you will ALWAYS lose, even if you don't lose right away. She's like a Vegas casino.... you may get lucky on a few rolls or a couple of pulls, and may even walk away with a jackpot. But play long enough and eventually gambler's ruin sets in and you end up looking like THIS.

So let's take a look at how this plays out. Ladies, you meet a guy/know a guy and you get into a FWB scenario because, for whatever reason, a full blown relationship is just not in the stars at that time. And you're fine with it because you get your needs met without the drama, there's no expectations, and you're just having fun. For a little while. All the while that you're getting that Mighty Mighty O, your body is steady kicking out oxytocin, which is making your body form an emotional attachment with this person and doesn't give a damn about what your brain says. According to "What is This Crazy Thing Called Love?" by Dr. Shirley Glass, "A trick of nature induces women to bond with an inappropriate partner after sex because of oxytocin which enhances orgasms and increases a woman’s emotional attachment to her sexual partner. That may be why you keep the creep with whom you sleep." Combine this with dopamine (the "feel good" hormone, which also increases oxytocin levels) and you're REALLY hit. Basically you are addicted to the warm fuzzy feeling (i.e. high), and like anything else that induces a high (e.g. drugs) you're gonna go through withdrawal when you stop.

So now you have this otherwise irrational bond with this person which is the equivalent of chemically induced insanity because in your mind you know this person is bad for you, yet you still are saying "I wish I knew how to quit you". I must admit..... I've been there. More than once. And honestly, in hindsight, it's a scary thing. I look back on two individuals in particular and think "What in the HELL was I thinking???" The best way I can describe it is like in the cartoons where the character is under some spell, and their eyes are all glassed over, and then the hero(ine) comes along and breaks the spell, and then suddenly the victim comes back like "Where am I?? What happened??" Basically, you're just like Prince Eric in this scene from The Little Mermaid:

Waking up from your stupor doesn't usually happen that fast.... it takes a clean break and some time. But once you've broken that addiction, you're good. Any time I've tried to backtrack and replicate those original feelings it was ~~a monumental waste of time~~ never the same because I'd already realized he was ~~really Ursula the Sea Witch~~ not as great as I'd originally thought he was. But originally you couldn't tell me he wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread, even with the logical side of me saying "Don't do it.... reconsider.... do some living." I was merely a slave to chemical romance (".... he was my Voodoo Priest and I was his faithful concubine......").

So, with all that said..... ladies, don't fool yourself into thinking you can maintain a long term Friend with Benefits. Short term.... maybe. And it might be a little easier if he treats you like a complete asshole. But who the hell wants to have a string of flings sufficiently short enough not to develop this chemical bond ~~and end up looking like a big ole slore~~? I used to think I was hardcore and cold blooded enough to manage it, but I'm officially waiving my white flag to Mother Nature. I don't mind being a slave to chemical romance, but only if my heart, mind and soul are imprisoned as well.

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Contrition

2009-09-20T19:58:00.006-04:00

I have really got to get this song off repeat in my life playlist.... take it off the iPod, delete it out of iTunes, throw the CD out the window into oncoming traffic. Like Jill, I am Beautifully Human, and human means mistakes, weaknesses, and fallacies. But some things in my life aren't so beautiful, and therefore this song has got to go......

The future will be better.

"I'm truly sorry, baby........"

EBS Mid-Week Edition: Little Girl Lost

2009-09-16T19:00:00.004-04:00

I was going through some old draft blog posts that didn't get posted for one reason or another.... didn't finish them, thought better not to post them, or the topics just didn't pan out the way I wanted. Some of these posts I'd imported from my original MySpace blog, and while I have posted a few (see Pre-Divorce) there are still a few collecting dust.

I came across this one that I wrote over 2 years ago, not too long after I'd separated and just 4 days before this happened..... yes, it was a bad time for me. But sadly, as I re-read this, for a second I thought it was something I'd written recently and forgotten about (yes, my memory is that bad) until I saw the words "my marriage". Swap out the word "marriage" for "relationship" (and a few other little tweaks) and I could have written this post 2 hours ago.

*le sigh*

I've been through so much, changed so much, experienced so much...... but it seems like everything is still just the same. Movement without progress. I'm trying to be patient and be like Santiago in The Alchemist and not let a seemly long term set back cause me to give up, but damn...... I just want to at least find the right road..... or hell, ANY road. The wilderness is getting cold and lonely.......

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(originally written July 11, 2007)

"Oooooh, heeeeey..... I'm trying to decide..... which way to go..... I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere......." [Erykah Badu, Didn't Cha Know]

I don't read maps well.... even the Mapquest turn-by-turn directions must be consulted multiple times to make sure I'm understanding my next move just right. So it goes with my life as well..... I though I was going in the right direction, even when I had to make detours, but I'm looking around and I think I'm in the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I'm in the wrong destination altogether and I didn't follow the directions EXACTLY as they were stated, or that this is the place my path lead to and it's not as glamorous and shiny as the brochure made it out to be. I suspect it's probably the latter.

Right now I am completely, totally, and utterly LOST. I don't know where I'm going with my career, I don't know where I'm going with my marriage, I don't know where I'm going with my identity, I don't know where I'm going with my living situation..... I'm just a little girl lost and bewildered. And I'm not even sure where to start making progress toward a path that I want to be on, or which path that even is. All I know is that HERE sucks, and HERE is not where I want to be. However, I've been off work almost 2 months now, and I'm no closer to sanity and sorting things out than I was back in May.

Another thing that makes me feel lost is the fact that my family, from what I hear, is pissed and disappointed in me, and I don't feel like they're being the safety net I need while I'm falling down. While most people turn to their moms when life is being mean, I feel like I can't because all that will happen is that SHE will start crying and telling me about how much her life sucks. While that's too bad, I really need someone to lean on and guide me..... I shouldn't be dishing out the advice as well. Hell, what the fuck do I know??

I know that I'm not purely a victim of circumstance.... I've put myself in some fucked up situations, so I'm not sitting here crying "Why me??" I also know that I have many opportunities and options at my fingertips, while many don't. But when I have TOO many choices, or one of those choices looks too foreign to what I'm used to, I get paralyzed and can't make a decision. But I feel like, for the most part, I've done the "right thing" that was supposed to lead me to success and happiness, and right now it's anything but such.

So.... now I gotta find out where I want to be and how I'm gonna get there, and I feel like I'm a LONG way away from wherever that is. I feel like there's a serious disconnect between my personality and interests and where I'm at in my career and marriage and everything else. My life is ill fitting right now. Gotta figure out where I belong.

That's not your wifey

2009-09-15T17:05:00.007-04:00

I have a serious, major, infuriating pet peeve right now, and it concerns the word "Wife".

Today on Twitter, the trending topics of the day included #dontwifeher/#wifeher and #dontcuffhim/#cuffhim. Now, for all of my non-urban readers (or those of us who still have not had our Black Card reinstated), let me give you a little background on the terms:

1. wifing -- when a guy decides to make one girl, his number one. At this point he will be talking about loving you, buying you stuff.

2. wifey --
a. A REAL Lady, Not your only but your favourite, different from them hood rat chicks. Sexy in everyway possible, when she smiles it's sexy, even when she's mad at you it's sexy.
"I'm gon make her my wifey, she's not like them chicken heads round da way, she's a diamond in the rough"

b. a girl you care a lot about, she's more than just your girl.
"thats my wifey... so BACK UP"
(from Urbandictionary.com)

("Cuffing" is just the male equivalent)

Contrast this with the Dictionary.com definintion of the word:

wife /waɪf/ –noun: a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse.

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object): Rare. wive.

—Idiom: take to wife, to marry (a particular woman): He took an heiress to wife.

Now, whether the Twitizens were talking about wife in the traditional sense of the word or in the "urban" sense of the word, this discussion pissed me off from both perspectives. First (for the traditional usage) who are all these never-been-married yahooligans to have an opinion on what makes good marriage material? Now I admit some of them were just being silly (like "#dontwifeher if she has a moustache") but other people acted like they were imparting some real knowledge and pearls of wisdom the people of the world. And to that I say GTFOHWTBS. If you have never been married--let alone had a serious relationship that has lasted more than a year-- to know what qualities make for a good relationship......STFU.

However, what really irks me and irriates me to no end is the use of the term "wife" or "wifey" to describe someone who is just a girlfriend. You can tell just by the definititions given on Urbandictionary.com how ignorant this concept is ("buying you stuff"?? Really???). I don't give a flying fig if she's your "number one" girlfriend, "only" girlfriend, "serious" girlfriend, or a girlfriend that you would consider "wife material"..... she's still JUST A GIRLFRIEND. I cannot stand how the terms are just thrown around loosely, which to me undermines and degrades the meaning of what a wife really is. "Wife" is a term that should be reserved for the person you are married to, not just the person you kick it with all the time and whom you've decided to ignore other women's text messages for (or don't cheat on "as much"). Your wife is the person to whom you have made the ultimate commitment to, not just in words but in actions before God and/or the law. Your wife is who you build a life with.... your friend, lover, companion, supporter, comforter, the one who you sacrafice for and who sacrafices for you. A wife is not someone who you just think about or talk about maybe loving, it is the woman you LOVE. When you have a wife, you are ALL IN.... you don't have one leg over the fence just in case you need to hop back over it real fast. I don't care how serious your relationship is... until you say those vows and exchange those rings, the term "wife" should not be used.

Yes, you could argue that it's just a word used in the popular vernacular to mean girlfriend and it's not that deep. And to that I ~~shake my cane at you~~ disagree..... I'm not buying the Humpty Dumpty argument this time around. Having been a wife, I am insulted by the use of the word outside of the marriage context, just like I am insulted when people use the suffix "Esq." behind their name and they are not attorneys, same way someone with an MD or PhD would be insulted if someone used the title "Dr." in front of his name. You do not earn the title and status of wife, or status of having a wife, without that work and commitment, and until you do you don't deserve the same level of reverence and respect.

*drops mic*

The Meaning of Michael: Deeper Than Philosophy

2009-09-12T16:24:00.009-04:00

"Beethoven says that music is deeper than philosophy..... because in the end we're finite creatures. We don't have a language, or even a linguistic eloquence, that can begin to be fully truthful to the experiences that we have the short time we are here in time and space. So therefore you need some sounds.....even some noise. Organized noise. We need silence between the notes and the sounds that get at the deeper truths of who we are....." ~ Dr. Cornel West

(click to listen and download)

It is my utter joy and privilege share with you the best Michael Jackson tribute mix ever, created by my dear friend and favorite DJ, DJ Limelight. Yes, I know MJ died back in June, and it is now September, after all of the frenzy around his death has begun to wane, so it would seem that this is coming a little.... late. Not so. At ALL. Michael Jackson's musical career spanned 45 years.... most artists are lucky to get 4.5 months of success, let alone almost half a century. So to rush to throw together a Michael Jackson tribute mix a week or two after he died would not have done this great artist justice. DJ Limelight has literally been working on creating and perfecting his self-professed "magnum opus" since MJ died in June.... and it shows.

With that said, this is not your typical assemblage of Michael Jackson's music that you hear at wedding receptions, class reunions, and your local dive bar. Don't look for Beat It, Bad, Billie Jean, or Thriller..... they're not here. As the title implies, this is the true meaning of Michael Jackson in the eyes (and ears) of DJ Limelight, AND in the hearts of anyone who is truly a Michael Jackson fan. It's a timeless piece that transcends generations.... I made copies for my parents AND my 10 year old daughter. It doesn't just make you dance, it makes you feel.

But wait, there's more..... aside from the insanely creative butter smooth transitions between songs that just give you chills (or make you fall out on the floor like my homegirl over at Kunta Fly Shyt did when we were given a sneak preview of the final mix), the rare and unreleased MJ tracks (what ya know about that PYT Demo??), one of my favorite things about this mix is the commentary from scholars, comedians and artists interspersed and woven seamlessly in with the music that really touches on Michael Jackson's impact and genius as an artist and entertainer, and each comment is tied into the song that comes after it. There are several clips from scholar Dr. Cornel West from an interview with Tavis Smiley and Dr. Michael Eric Dyson that are just pure genius.... one of my favorite parts of the mix comes at 38:38, beginning with this quote from Dr. West:

"I think the important thing to understand first and foremost about Michael Jackson is that he was the international emblem of the African American blues spiritual impulse that goes back through slavery - Jim Crow, Jane Crow, up to the present moment, through a Louis Armstrong, through a Ma Rainey, through a Bessie Smith, all the way to John Coltrane, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone. Michael Jackson was part of that tremendous wave....."

(Listen to and read the entire interview HERE, and you'll have to listen to the mix to hear why I run around and start screaming when I hear it)

I mean, what other DJs out there are doing this? Analyzing and commenting on the philosophical and sociological impact of Michael Jackson while at the same time giving you music that just makes you feel GOOD. I have been listening to this non-stop for the past 3 days since it was released, and I still can't get enough of it. Sheer brilliance..... both Michael Jackson and DJ Limelight.

So listen to it.... download it.... share it.... love it.

Never grown enough for Grown Folks Stuff

2009-09-01T17:04:00.004-04:00

As a parent, there are just some things that you don’t do when it comes to your kids. Whether your child is 3, 13 or 35, you just don’t put your child in the middle of your marital problems. That should be something you deal with between you and your spouse with as little involvement and input from your children as possible.

Apparently, my dad did not get that memo.

Yes, loved ones, for once I’m not talking about my own divorce here. And while my parents aren’t divorced, there are many times where I sure the hell wish they were just so I wouldn’t be subject to the boolsheet I was subject to last night.

The convo started out innocent enough…. My dad brought Daughter home and was telling me how they traded their timeshare in the Ozarks for some spot in Mexico and some cash…….

(First of all, this was upsetting enough. We’ve had that timeshare for almost 30 years and that was our family vacation every summer when I was growing up. I’d planned on FINALLY going back next year, so I was heartbroken to hear that they got rid of it.....)

Then he starts telling me WHY they got rid of it and how my mom threw a fit about it, which then led to more complaining, which then led him to asking me to step outside with him for a minute. My heart just sank because I knew what was coming. He starts telling me that he’s unhappy and she treats him like shit and how she’s always alienated him from his friends and family, and on and on and on and on with info that I really didn’t want or need to know. All I could do was stand there and look at the ground, saying nothing, and wait for him to finish. On the one hand I felt bad because I know he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, but then on the other I was angry because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. Why does a 60 year old man who lives in his home town where all his family and friends live have NOBODY to vent to besides his 31 year old daughter?? But as he explained the history of their 35 year marriage for the umpteenth time I was reminded why, which then made me think about my own personal struggles with interpersonal relationships (including how their relationship was a HUGE deciding factor in my divorce decision), and overall just made me really angry that 1) my mother is the way she is, 2) my dad put up with it unchecked, and 3) I’m effed up because of it. My dad may have walked away feeling better for having gotten some things off his chest, but I felt (and still feel) like absolute crap. Now *I* am looking for somewhere to dump this shitty feeling…….

I think it’s easier to remember not to put your child in the middle of your relationship mess when they are young, because there’s that separation between “grown folks stuff” and “kid stuff”. Youth automatically serves as a buffer. However, when you get older and become an adult, that distinction no longer exists so parents feel like they can now talk to you about “grown folks stuff” not realizing and appreciating that some “stuff” is still best kept to yourself. When I was married, The Ex actually did take my dad aside once and told him to quit using me to vent to because it was causing me a lot of stress and grief…. For once he stepped up as a husband and protected me from something. But now, I’m back on my own with nobody with the authority to be that buffer and stand up to my dad on my behalf. And it sucks.

I mean, what can I really say in these situations?? I shouldn’t be EXPECTED to say anything in these situations, in which case it’s just a dumping session. Rule #1 to venting…. Do not vent to interested parties, or else it becomes a dump, not a vent. And as the child of the two individuals involved, I’d pretty much say I’m an interested party. I could not IMAGINE saying the same things to my children about The Ex that I say to my BFFs--or even the blogosphere--when I vent. Because I know it would hurt them to hear those things about someone they still love, yet they can’t come to his defense because then it seems like they are taking sides. No matter how grown they get, that’s still “grown folks stuff”.

I just wish my dad afforded me the same consideration and would leave me out of it.........

*le sigh*

Emotional Baggage Sundays (+1): Fighting the Urge to Fight

2009-08-31T18:43:00.006-04:00

I have a confession to make..... as much as I subscribe to the school of thought that you just have to let stuff go, I still harbor a lot of anger, hostility and pissedoffedness toward The Ex. Like, I get really, REALLY angry to the point where I'd like to commit trespass to his chattels (something along the lines of this) or some other act resulting in grievous bodily harm (but only in my mind, loved ones..... only in my mind). I'm usually a pretty laid back person who doesn't get worked up over much, especially when there's nothing I can do about it. But dealing with The Ex frustrates me to NO END, and I'm just tired of it.

Take this weekend, for example. The arrangement is that whoever has the kids for the weekend picks up said child (as we already each have one of them) at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. Pretty standard arrangement. In the spirit of cooperation, we've been somewhat flexible on this schedule so that nobody is up in arms if we can't get there til 7pm or want the kids to stay over a little later on Sunday for dinner. However, this also leaves great room for abuse. Daughter and I had graduation for our martial arts class on Saturday morning, which The Ex claimed he could not get Daughter to so she would have to stay with me Friday and he'd come get her afterward on Saturday. Wasn't really too happy about this, because in my opinion if it's his weekend, it's HIS responsibility to get her where she needs to go and figuring out the logistics is his problem, not mine. But as usual, I said okay because I had Daughter's interests at heart and knew this was important to her.*

(*Daughter fell off a scooter and broke her wrist a week ago, 3 days before she was supposed to test to become a green belt. The day after she had surgery to reset the bone and have a pin inserted, she went ahead and took, and passed, her green belt test WITH her cast and scratched up face and knuckles.... she was uber determined. So yea, to miss the graduation would have been no bueno.)

Then The Ex changes things on me AGAIN and insists that I bring her to him. Uh no, that's not the deal... it's pick ups, not drop offs. That doesn't matter to him though. So all Friday evening and Saturday morning through afternoon we are battling via text because basically he was refusing to honor the arrangement, AND the secondary arrangement that HE came up with, and come pick her up. It even devolved to the point of him calling me a "stupid hoe".... wholly unnecessary. So FINALLY he says he's on his way to come pick her up around 1pm. I shower, get dressed, and wait.... and wait.... and wait..... because I had to be at a bar association event that afternoon. About an hour and a half later I get a text saying "I'll be there in an hour." It took all I had not to scream obscenities about him in front of his child. Although my calm outer facade said "Fine, I'll just take her with me to my function" my insides were screaming with rage. It took Daughter calling him for him to finally agree to at least meet me en route to my function, to which I reluctantly agreed because the event, while not kid un-friendly, wasn't all that kid-friendly either. I show up to the designated spot.... my travel distance being much further than his.... and he isn't there. More waiting. More rage, which I'm trying desperately to conceal in front of Daughter, but knowing me I didn't do a very good job..... even when I'm quiet, I tend to seethe. He finally shows up and Daughter is on her merry way (to the most hoodtastic and craptastic park festival that The Ex was supposedly too busy "organizing" to come pick her up, but from the looks of it, it didn't look like much "organizing" happened to put that mess together).

I just get so angry at the complete and utter lack of consideration and his constant need to try and punk me..... just a bully mentality. Never mind the blatant disrespect and insults, which really piss me off too, but which unfortunately I am somewhat used to from our days of being in wedded bliss (if you can't detect the custard thick sarcasm there, please stop reading my blogs). I'm a pretty cooperative person, but the more he tries to push me and punk me, the less inclined I am to show kindness. It's kind of a Golden Rule thing, a lesson which was apparently wasted on him. Had he 1) explained why he needed my assistance and cooperation instead of just saying "I can't/won't do it" and 2) Stuck to his word after I agreed to help him out, it would have been an entirely different scenario. And I told him that..... you receive what you give out, and so I wasn't giving out much in the way of compassion and consideration.

This troubles me, however. I don't want to be a bitter, vengeful person. I don't go as far as to be the nightmare baby momma from hell and just do things to fuck with him for the sake of fucking with him, but I'm just not inclined to be very nice. And I'll admit..... my brand of mean is quite surgical and designed to jab right where it hurts. He boxes, I fence. Regardless, though, it wastes A LOT of emotional energy, and, like a real physical fight, even when you've "won" you still come out a little beat up and sore. I'm troubled because it seems like instead of relations between us improving over time, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm no longer sure how to be the "better person" without being a doormat that gets shat upon constantly. When you are dealing with a person who has no sense of why it's important to honor his word and thinks of nobody but himself, yet insists on what a "good person" he is, it's very, VERY hard to be the bigger person and ignore his antics, insults, and lack of consideration. Does the Golden Rule mean that if someone gives you bad treatment that you are then justified in giving it back? Or is the Golden Rule an absolute mandate that must be followed no matter how you are treated? I know that constant tit for tat gets you nowhere, but there has to be some point at which you should be able to stand up and fight back.

All I know is that I'm tired of the anger, the insults, the conflict, the drama...... I just want to move on with my life peacefully. And not have the constant urge to fight.

How Love Works: Divorce from a Kid's Perspective

2009-08-26T06:00:00.002-04:00

I'm not 110% certain that this was actually written by a child (you never know with things you receive in e-mail chains), but the message is the same nonetheless. Kids see, feel and experience much more than you think they do, and this is especially important to remember when it comes to divorce. The following is hilarious..... but not. Enjoy.

Fin.

"Did you see my Tweet about.......?"

2009-08-25T08:26:00.005-04:00

So yes, loved ones, I know I've been seriously slacking on the blogging front. But it's really been for legitimate reason, I swear...... ok, maybe not swear, but that's my present argument. But for real, part of the reason is that this blog originally was to be about my "adventures" going through and post-divorce, and one very fruitful source of inspiration is the world of dating.

Well, I'm not dating.

Yes, loved ones, I've been officially boo'd up for quite some time now, so there is much less tom- and kimfoolery to write about.

Except.... there really is.

However, since I would like to remain outside of the world of dating, I can't write about all the issues I think about and deal with in the day to day world of relationships. Ok, so there are many benign topics I could write about ~~if I would quit being lazy and actually sit down to a keyboard to type something other than a Tweet~~ but anyone with a relationship-themed blog who is actually IN a relationship knows that this is a veritable minefield of potential drama (which means that the most open and honest relationship blogs come from those people who AREN'T in relationships..... hmmm, think about that for a minute, loved ones). And as a person who tends to not trip about many things that normal human beings trip about, thus leading me directly to these mines, my inclination has just been to avoid the field altogether as not to inadvertently cause an explosion by being asked to explain and justify what I meant or get grilled about the ulterior motives of my post. And I'm not falling into the trap of "Say whatever is on your mind..... I won't get mad."

*long Napoleon Dynamite-esq sigh*

Anyway, one thing I have noticed is not only how blogging has an impact on relationships (or rather, relationships have an impact on blogging) but also another relatively recent social networking phenomenon: Twitter. As the saying goes, you're nobody til somebody Tweets you..... ok, maybe not, but my point is that it seems EVERYONE is on Twitter these days, and most likely if you're on Twitter, your boo-thang is on Twitter, too. And of course you follow each other. The result of this is that you are privy to your love muffin's thoughts and experiences all day.

Cute and special, right? It's great that you know that your hunny got a speeding ticket the very MOMENT it happens (because true Twitter heads would be Tweeting the news while they are waiting for the cop to finish writing out the ticket), verdad?

Sure..... and no.

Of course you can e-interact with your boo with an @ reply, or even a direct message, which is almost, but not quite, the same thing as talking to them about it (I'm a believer that text messaging and e-mails and the like are valid forms of communication.... I'm a modern girl). The conundrum arises when you get home. Because your boo already knows that you got a speeding ticket, ate maque choux at Yats for lunch, found out your BFF is pregnant, and think your co-worker is a moron.... what is there left to talk about? I frequently find myself starting off conversations with "Did you see my Tweet about......?" Of course, I usually didn't go into the entire situation in 140 characters or less so I do have SOMETHING to talk about, but I've just noticed that Twitter has had a definite influence in my verbal communications, whether that's an assumption that he already knows what I'm talking about and has some frame of reference, or that the matter was so inconsequential that 140 characters was sufficient to address it and it doesn't need to be discussed again.

Two ways to look at this: (1) Twitter hinders conversation because you've already talked about what you were going to talk about so there's no need to talk about it again for fear of being redundant, or (2) Twitter filters out the BS chatter so you're not subject to it after a long day of work (more of a bonus for men who complain that their girls talk too damn much, but I'm not one of those type of women anyway). I guess this really depends on what type of Tweeter you are, whether you are like me and Tweet about the mundane minutia of the day, or whether you only Tweet about major life occurrences. It also depends on what kind of verbal communicator you are.... whether you feel the need to share, or want to hear, every single little detail of your or your boo-thang's day.

For me personally, I don't think it's a problem. Sometime Tweets are actually a conversation starter: "So what did you mean when you Tweeted........?" and you can further elaborate on those 137 characters you wrote at 1:22pm. On the flipside, though, on a particularly boring day there's really not much more than what was written in the day's Tweets, so there's really not much more to say.

So....... has anyone else noticed Twitter's impact on relationships and communication? Good, bad, indifferent?

Oh, and follow me on .

Told you so (a follow up)

2009-06-25T17:18:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I wrote a blog post analyzing the question of "how do you know him???" that I received in a message on Facebook in which I concluded that "just out of curiosity" means "I really want the scoop on this man who was/I wish to be mine" and that anyone responding to such a question should proceed with caution. Once again, my unheeded prophetess sense didn't fail me. Here's an excerpt of the message I was sent in response:

"Oh ok I know [so-and-so] from school I had the biggest crush on him too...."

Bingo-bango. Told you so.

How do you know HIM???

2009-06-24T10:26:00.006-04:00

Today I got a Facebook friend request from a friend of a friend whom I'd hung out with a few times (ok, so we all went on a trip together, so she's more than just a passing acquaintance) and this is the message she sent me along with the request:

"Hey, How are you doing girl? How's things going with you? I was looking threw your page and on friend lists I seen [so-and-so] just out curiosity how do you know him???"

Now, anyone who has ever used Facebook, or MySpace, or any other social networking site knows that nobody actually knows everyone on their friend list. On Facebook, the friend request may be based solely on the fact that you have a lot of mutual friends (at least, that's how I do it.... and if I get a request with a very low number of mutual friends or none at all, they get the "Limited Profile" approval). And most friends on my friend list never get a message, wall post, Like, comment......nada. They're just kind of there.

My initial thought was "Hmmm..... this must be some guy she's been with, some guy she wants to get with, or some guy one of her girls has been with or wants to get with." The message is oozing with nosiness, messiness, and/or desperation. So how did I come to this conclusion so quickly? Let us analyze this 3 sentence message......

First, she went through all 320 of my friends (which is admittedly low for Facebook standards, but still objectively a lot of people) and picked out this ONE guy to ask me about "out of curiosity." "Out of curiosity" is one of those cover-up phrases which actually mean "I am desperate to know tell me everything right NOW!" I've encountered this phrase before and it always throws up a yellow flag that this person has ulterior motives for wanting to know this information aside for satisfying curiosity, usually of a personal (and intimate) nature.

Next, notice the use of excessive punctuation... not one question mark, but three. Maybe as a grammar geek I'm reading more into this and perhaps this chick always uses way too much punctuation, but even still excessive punctuation offenders usually get carried away with the exclamation points, not the question marks. No, to me this is a bit on the frantic side and smacks a bit of urgency to know this information.

Finally, notice how she didn't share how SHE knows this person. Normally when you ask how someone knows a person, you tend to share what your connection is to them as well. Example: "I saw John on your friend list, just wondering how you know him? He's my cousin on my momma's sister's auntie's side." The absence of such information leads me to believe that she doesn't WANT me to know her connection with this person because it may impact how much information she gets out of me, and that I may slip up and say something that I might not have had I know the extent of the relationship with this person. It's a set up, and I tend to side step set ups.

With all that said..... I don't know the guy from Adam. I had to go find him in my friend list to see who he even is, and even then nothing rang a bell. At most I've run across him in passing merely by virtue of the fact that this city is so damn small and all the folks with sense hang out at the same places, but still I don't know him from the next person out and about. Even still, though, the fact that my yellow flags were up helped me to temper my response. Something told me that it was a rather loaded inquiry, so this was my response:

"I don't. Just another random facebooker who must have saw that we have a lot of mutual friends. I only send friend requests to people I know personally."

I wanted to make it very clear that she could lower her hackles ~~and let her girl know that she doesn't have to come beat my ass~~. But dang, chicks.... be a little slicker about your stalking activities! 'Cuz you know what? Even if I did know this guy and did have some ~~scandalous scallywagging going on~~ sort of relationship with him (past or present), my response would have probably been the same.

Bottom line..... don't do this sort of thing. I can see a fishing expedition a mile away. It's not slick or cute, and makes you look like a stalker. And nobody wants to be a stalker.... at least, they don't want to look like one.

Better safe than sorry.....?

2009-06-11T00:01:00.002-04:00

So today on Twitter I was following and participating in a discussion initiated by The Red Pump Project regarding opinions on women who carry condoms. The discussion began as follows:

Question: Ladies, how do you feel about carrying condoms on you? Men: Would you frown upon your girl if she had condoms in her purse? (@RedPumpProject)

Here were some of the responses to the discussion:

WORD RT @anesidora I used to carry them & see nothing wrong with it. Presumably guys have condoms on deck, so why can't we? No excuses. (my response, of course)

RT @superhussy @RedPumpProj why not? i have to protect myself and you can't count on someone else to look out for your sexual health.

See? How does her protecting herself make u think she's a jumpoff? RT @peyso Yea, she's about safe sex. But I might think she's a jump

Handy nonetheless RT @TheBiasedTruth used to always carry them with me they always came in handy, but mostly for my friends! #redpumptalk

@RedPumpProj dudes usually know when there is the smallest poss of it going dn, he should be prepared if he's not, u should wonder why (@bsleet)

@bsleet It shouldn't be a 1 sided obligation. I believe in CYA (or rather CYP) & you don't always kno somethin will go down. #redpumptalk (@anesidora)

EXACTLY! RT @anesidora Not sayin its definitely goin down. I'd carry condoms for MONTHS & never have to use em. #redpumptalk

(you can follow more of the discussion on Twitter with the tag #redpumptalk or go to RedPumpProj)

It seemed like the general consensus was that there's nothing wrong with a woman carrying her own condoms, but a few of the dissents bothered me:

1. If she carries condoms, it makes her look like a jump off.

Since when did being prepared automatically make you reckless?? You don't buy car insurance with the intent of causing a 10 car pileup on I-69. You don't get anti-virus software for the purpose of downloading malicious executable files. Likewise, women don't necessarily carry condoms with the purpose and intent of finding some strange (or "new-new" as one of my friends calls it) and taking it home later that night. It's just in case, loved ones. And not just in case you find yourself in a one night stand situation ~~because you were out hunting for some new-new before you even walked out the door~~. You never know if or when you may run into an old flame with whom you may want to rekindle that spark "for old times sake"..... you never know if you and your man may want to meet up later..... you never know if your friend or homie may need one. It's better that you have it covered (no pun intended) than leave something to ~~drunken~~ chance.

I won't launch into my full on assault on double standards, but this is CLEARLY one, and a very bad one. Sex takes two people equally involved, and ideally a condom should also be involved. You just cannot tell me that a woman being the one to supply said condom is somehow a less than desirable individual when she was going to have sex with the man ANYWAY. The logical fallacy is hurting my brain, so I'm going to have to stop.

2. The guy should have some, and you should question his level of responsibility and not deal with him if he doesn't.

This is an argument that would have my BFF, who is a Planned Parenthood lobbyist, springing to the attack and intellectually ripping you a new one. Going back to the car insurance analogy, you can't just say "well, everyone else should have insurance so I don't need any." It is every woman's right and obligation to make sure that she is in charge of her own sexual health. This is NOT an obligation that we need to place on others for the sake of not "looking like a hoe" (which is a BS argument and view anyway). Yes, men who are sexually active should have condoms in their possession..... but what happens if he unexpectedly runs out? What happens if he thought he had a whole box and his roomie came and "borrowed" them all? What happens if he gave his last one to his boy while they were out because it was obvious he was about to get into some meats (as my beau and his roomie say), and then you come along at 2:57am?? I can think of much more egregious deal breaker offenses and indications of lack of responsibility other than "he wanted to have sex but didn't have a condom." Well, obviously, you wanted to too, or you wouldn't be there, and you didn't have one either. Double Fail.

This should not be some sort of "test"...... if you read my blog posts, you know how much I abhor tests, checklists, and games. Why set yourself (and him) up like that?? "Oh, I'ma go to his place, get all ready to do the do, and if he doesn't have condoms on him he gets deleted from the Blackberry." Why not just have your own and everyone is happy? Now, the dealbreaker would be him not having any, you having one, but he still insists on following Old Dirty Bastard's advice anyway. *cue Shimmy Shimmy Ya*

(ok, so I admittedly "indirectly" used one test..... I used to buy Trojan Magnums, so if you were foolish enough not to have your own, and the ones I brought were a little... um..... "roomy", then you have failed on 2 fronts, not just one, and in theory, hopefully you would have been embarrassed enough to not make the same mistake again.)

Ok, I'm off the soapbox. To read more about my views on this, check this out: "....and if you need 'em I got crazy prophylactics....."

Also check out The Red Pump Project, a campaign to raise awareness about the effect of HIV/AIDS on women and girls.

And thanks to the homie BSleet for providing the intellectual banter.... we lawyers like to argue just for the hell of it sometimes, but it's all in love.

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers...."

2009-06-10T11:10:00.007-04:00

I am officially done with traditional legal practice. I'm completely jaded. I tried, I really, really did.... for 5 years. And I've come to the realization that this ish just isn't me.

Here's proof in black and white from a book that I was required to read for work (that, BTW, I never finished):

"I feel the need at this juncture to direct or word to those readers who might be slightly put off by the seeming "game" and "gamesmanship" aspects of what we have and will be discussing. I don't want to wax too philosophical, and I suppose this could be handled more gently, but the fact is that the world of business is peppered with gaming elements, and negotiating and acquisition may well be the biggest game of all. I say this with no disrespect or opprobrium; quite the contrary, it is these very ingredients--the movement of big money, a high-level of matching of wits, achieving tangible results in an expeditious time frame-- that for me make acquisition work so fascinating. But it would be delusional to suggest that this kind of endeavor has a number of socially redeeming features, and if you hanker for that, negotiating deals will probably leave you empty and dissatisfied."

~ James C. Freund, Anatomy of a Merger: Strategies and Techniques for Negotiating Corporate Acquisitions, Section 2.4.3 (reprinted without permission, so I will probably be getting sued by this shark)

Empty and dissatisfied. Yup, that sums it up. And when you are totally devoid of passion, it shows in your work, especially when you are working with someone who is a ZEALOT for type of thing. I'm just not that adversarial and confrontational and, well, dirty. I went into transactional law trying to AVOID the adversarial climate of litigation, but I've come to realize that it's still there, just in different forms. At least in litigation the lines are definite and drawn and you know who, how and why you're trying to screw someone over. The transactional world is a bit sneakier about it.... you have to make the other person seem like they are winning when you're really just lining them up for a good screwing (sans lube).

Yup, I'm finally admitting it to myself..... I just don't have it in me. I'm smart as all get out, but I just lack that certain je ne sais quois (i.e. win at all costs cut throatism). Don't get me wrong, I love law...... the research, the analysis, the problem solving, the writing...... it's just the screwing part I have the problem with, and unfortunately in traditional practice that's where the rubber meets the road.

So aside from contract specialist work or compliance officer or something like that, I'm D-O-N-E (if I possibly have any say in the matter, which, in this economy, then answer leans toward "B....., not really"). Right now I'm looking to break into academia.... not necessarily as an instructor, but just in that realm period. I think my eccentric nature, idiosyncrasies, and outside the box nature are better suited to the academic world than the corporate one.

My "dream job", however, is in writing and publishing.... and not even just my own work. I know this sounds sick, but I like editing (even though I don't FULLY edit my blog posts so don't hold me to that high of a standard, but if I had to I could spot a period at the end of a sentence that is accidentally bolded when the rest of the text isn't). It's funny (not in a ha-ha funny kind of way though) that I remember a career day that they had at my high school and you could choose which presentations you wanted to attend. I picked law, journalism, and something else (I forget because I was busy puking from morning sickness..... *sigh*) and my favorite was actually journalism. That is, until I found out that they don't make a lot of money generally. I wish I could go find a time machine, corner my high school self in the bathroom, rough her up a little bit and tell her that's a stupid way to make a career choice, tell her never to mention that this happened or else, get back in my time machine and come back to 2009. Would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak......and student loan money.

So, anyone thinking about going to law school (and I wish I had a dime for everyone who has ever told me they thought/are thinking about going to law school, my student loans would be paid off by now), do a REALLY thorough self assessment of not just your intellect, but your personality as well. Not saying you have to be a cut throat ~~sociopath~~ extremely aggressive person to be a good lawyer, because there are lots of lawyers out there that truly help people and look out for the public good, but to be the big baller high roller attorney that everyone automatically thinks of when they hear the term "lawyer"..... well, yea, you kind of do have to be that person.

And now, I leave you with an excerpt from a blog post that I wrote back in September 2006 when I was still working at Big Firm..... a little parody (or warning, if you will):

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers.
Don't let 'em write briefs or drive luxury trucks.
Let 'em join peace corps or be artists and such.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers.
'Cos they'll never stay home and they're always alone.
Even with someone they love."

Independence is overrated

2009-06-08T18:45:00.006-04:00

Much ado is made about the appeal of the "independent woman" versus a more "traditional woman", particularly among the black community. Quick..... name 5 songs about "Independent" women! *cue Jeopardy music*

1. "Miss Independent" by Ne-Yo
2. "Independent" by Webbie
3. "Independent Woman" by Destiny's Child
4. .....
5. ......

Crap, I'm drawing a blank. Anyway, you get the idea.

Yes, there is a certain appeal and value to a woman who can provide for herself and contribute to a relationship. However, the Dark Side of this independent woman movement is the A.B.W. Syndrome..... the woman who will hoot and holler that she doesn't need a man for a DAMN thing and she can do everything by her DAMN self, and DAMN a sexist ass man for expecting her to submit, or compromise, or anything that goes against exactly what SHE wants ~~with her stupid checklists and unrealistic demands for perfection when she herself is one hoof away from being a wildebeest with a Mussolini attitude to match~~.

Ladies..... that's not cute.

I would consider myself to be independent..... whether my bills get paid does not depend on whether or not I'm in a relationship and/or how well I "put it on him" last night. My plan for financial success does not include how I'm going to rope in a man to take care of my finances. I also know how to change a tire, put together a book shelf, install a ceiling fan, hook up a router, I can even stain and polyurethane. On the flip side of that, I think I do have a few qualities that may be at odds with the hard-core feminist notion of the "independent woman" that, in my opinion, make me a pretty decent catch:

1. I can cook.

I always hear about guys complaining that women today can't cook. I thought this was just an over exaggeration and they meant that these women couldn't cook like momma or grandma with the meals that you have to start cooking at 3pm in order to be done by 6:30, because SURELY there are plenty of women out there ~~who really need to have more fabric to cover their asses in the club~~ who are obviously eating good. But I fully realized the magnitude of this problem this past weekend when I got up and made my beau breakfast..... he said that was the first time in his 28 years of life that a woman he was dating made him breakfast (aside from some eggs once, which he said were too nasty to eat). I almost didn't believe him. And it's not like I made come complicated breakfast..... Belgian waffles, turkey bacon, and scrambled eggs. Ladies, these are not hard things to make. A $30 waffle iron, some $3 belgian waffle mix, a $1.50 can of apple pie filling, turkey bacon thrown in the oven or skillet, and scrambled eggs.... I don't even EAT scrambled eggs but they're not that complicated where I couldn't figure them out.

Ladies, I'm not saying you need to become a gourmet cook or your man's grandma reincarnate. Start simple... hell, start INSTANT. Example: Spaghetti.... I've never met a man who doesn't like spaghetti. Find a sauce that you like (don't eff with Ragu unless you plan on seriously doctoring it up, which is NOT simple), cook noodles for 7 to 9 minutes (longer if you use whole wheat), , get a bag of pre-cut romaine lettuce & some Caesar dressing (I recommend the stuff that's in the refrigeration case with the salad mix... those tend to be better) throw some Parmesan cheese & croutons on it and you have a whole meal. Target is great for interesting instant meals..... their tortellini (boil for 5 minutes) with some marinara sauce is one of my favorites. My point is that you should find some simple GOOD meals and get proficient at making them. It will go a LONG way, trust me.

2. I respect sports.

Notice I didn't say I LIKE sports, at least not on the level that most men like sports. But I respect when important games are on and I will either not protest to it being on the TV, or, even more noble, I don't mind if he wants to go watch it with his boys. I don't throw a hissy fit and demand that we watch MY show, because chances are MY show will come on again. And I do try to know a little bit about the games, who's playing, who the key players are, at least the basic rules (mostly thanks to years and years of watching youth sports) so that when he does choose to stay home and watch the game with me I can actually enjoy it (to a degree) too.

Love it or hate it, but always respect it..... men and sports go together like peas and carrots. It's not going to change. You're not going to change it. Stop fighting it, accept it move on. It is simply a battle you will not win in the long run, and your short term wins will be pyrrhic victories.

3. I accept chivalrous acts.

Ok, I admit, this is something that I am actively working on, but more so because I hate to inconvenience people than having the attitude of "I can do it all myself I don't need you step off." It's just a fact that men like to feel needed and they still have a protective streak about them.... millions of years of instinct fighting off wild animals for us doesn't go away easily. One thing my beau likes to do is give me the shirt off his back.... literally. If he sees that I am cold (especially in the grocery store, where it's always cold) he will offer to take off his shirt so I can wear it. Most times I tell him it's ok, but sometimes I accept his offer. Same goes for opening my car door, letting me get my food first, and carrying heavy things for me. Ladies, let a man be a man sometimes, particularly if you are one who is complaining that there are no good men out there. Chivalry is dead in part because we killed it. Give it a chance to grow sometimes.... you just might like it.

4. I'm submissive.

This can be taken in many ways. *brief pause* But I shall speak on it generally. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I do believe the man is the head of the household and should have the final say on certain things, and as such I will defer to those decisions. Granted, any man who I am with and would be attracted to would necessarily seek and respect my input and intelligence, so it's not like I'm advocating Coming To America like obedience (no standing on one foot and barking like a big dog for me).

Now, considering that I am in a relationship but not married, this plays less of a role than it would if I were married (membership has its privileges). But I still seek out my man's opinion on some things, and it's not always my way or the highway. We don't always have to see the movies *I* want to see, or go to the restaurants *I* want to go to, or hang out with *MY* friends. Mix it up a little and do what he wants to do sometimes, ladies.... you may just accidentally enjoy it.

5. I'm "creative" intimately.

I've written on the topic of One Stop Shopping before, so I won't rehash what I've already discussed (i.e. stop and go read it). But nothing drives me more insane than a woman who reasons that her man doesn't "respect" her if he asks her to do certain things in the bedroom (or couch, or car, or.......) and exclaiming that she could "NEVER do THAT!" because she's too much of a "lady." Um, no.... not respecting you is him asking someone ELSE to fulfill his fantasies because you won't. There's nothing wrong with being your man's personal Darling Nikki. In fact, you SHOULD be, because think about it...... if not you, then who?

Ok, I'm done with my list for now. I'm sure I can think of some others, in which case I will come back and do a Part Deux. Just remember, ladies, being independent is all fine and good, but still remember that your man likes women, so it's ok to act like a woman from time to time. Nobody is asking you to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but it won't kill you to do some of those things your grandma used to do for your granddad. It doesn't make you any less strong or independent or less of a person. Just give a little sometimes.

Meeting the Fam

2009-05-27T23:15:00.007-04:00

Memorial Day weekend was a major milestone for me and my relationship with my beau..... yes, I met The Family. *bites nails* It was really an unplanned event, as we had planned on making the formal introductions on June 27th at his sister's graduation. However, some events transpired the prior week that necessitated that I get away (*deep woo sah breath*), and my home girl in Detroit text'd me and said "You need to get away.....C'mon up here to The D", so I threw some clothes in a bag and went. My beau was already in the D visiting his family for his mother's birthday.... he'd driven up the day before to surprise her, so I decided to drive up there and surprise him.

(And boy was he surprised.... I called him and asked him where he and his boys were hanging out that night and told him I'd meet him there. He didn't believe me. But I sure did meet him outside the club. He kept saying the entire weekend "I can't believe you are here in the D!" I like surprises... giving and receiving.)

Before making my 5 hour drive, however, I had to grasp the realization that (1) I would be meeting his family for the first time (except for some uncles I met a few months ago) and (2) I was not in the best emotional state and they would be meeting me for the first time not at my very best. I needed to get away and get around some people, so I said eff it, I'm going.

Now what had me extra nervous was the fact that my beau is VERY close with his mother and 4 siblings, as well as a set of Godparents, and I..... well...... my family is about as tight as.... uh.... something not very tight [insert your own analogy here, cuz mine was terribly inappropriate]. I don't know what happened somewhere over the years, or generations, but something is just missing. It makes me sometimes feel like I was raised by wolves and am not quite sure how a normal family operates ("normal" being relative.... I'm talking about a comfortable, open relationship with family members.... or at least seeing and talking to each other more than just on major holidays/births/deaths/marriages). I was also nervous because it had been 16 years since I had to meet anyone's mother, and THAT didn't turn out too well.

I ended up meeting EVERYBODY in two days. I met his mother, 2 younger brothers, 1 of his younger sisters (the other doesn't live in town), his niece and nephew, his Godparents, his best friend, his Sands, and a few people he grew up with, plus a myriad of other related folks who were apparently all very anxious to meet me. I'll just state it plain and simple: I love his family. For once I didn't feel like an oddball weirdo..... not saying that they are oddball weirdos, but rather just not the mainstream, cliche norm. We went to a bowling fundraiser for his nephew and (damn near) EVERYONE there had locs and natural hair. Both his mother and his godmother we ecstatic that I had locs. His mother even gave me a professional massage (with patchouli scented oil which is one of my FAVORITE scents) AND broke out my beau's life story in pictures..... he said she's never done that for anyone else he's brought to the house. His mother and I have a lot in common, which is a huge relief and bodes well for the future, in my opinion (considering past experience with a mother who was my polar opposite).

All in all I think it went well, even though I wasn't quite feeling up to par, but I think they understood because my beau had explained what had transpired that previous week. It was just nice to see the "behind the scenes" of what and who helped shape and form the man that I get to interact with every day, and it just made me appreciate him that much more. And I'm very much looking forward to going back.

Not going down without a fight (a lesson in creditor's rights)

2009-05-18T21:36:00.006-04:00

*DISCLAIMER: This post is not intended to be legal advice. Please seek out the assistance of qualified counsel if you need assistance in this area. Or figure it out yourself and do it pro se.... but remember what they say, "He who is always his own lawyer will often have a fool for his client."

One of my many Adventures in Divorce has been the experience of serving as my own legal counsel. I initially filed my petition for divorce pro se, though I eventually hired an attorney once The Ex started clownin' and doing ish like sending me interrogatories and requesting custody evaluations (which cost upwards of $15,000).... even after I hired a divorce attorney, I still played a major role in drafting my settlement agreement, which is very much like what I'd imagine drafting your own obituary would be like...... Then I had the experience of filing my own contempt motion when this fool refused to pay for all the things he agreed to pay for in the divorce settlement. Please keep in mind, although I am an attorney, I am not a family law attorney, nor am I a litigator..... I'm a business attorney, a paper pusher, the chick that drafts the contracts that get signed and put away in an old file until the shit hits the fan and clients have to pull it out to see what everyone is supposed to be doing and isn't. There is a very large and distinct difference there.

So my latest hat that I've had to don in the legal arena has been that of a bankruptcy/creditor's rights attorney, with me as the creditor. Although The Ex had signed our divorce decree and agreed to be responsible for certain debts (an extremely MINOR portion of the debt at that) he had no intention of ever paying it and had already expressed that he was just going to file bankruptcy and leave me stuck with EVERYTHING. Yea, he's a real man's man. And for once in his life, he was true to his word and filed bankruptcy, attempting to leave me with 2 credit cards, all of a second mortgage, and the deficiency on his car that he couldn't pay for and got repossessed (and which is now wrapped into MY car loan because of cross-collateralization, meaning my car will NOT be paid off next year as anticipated..... I just gotta *woo sah* on that one). Fuck. That. So, being the incredibly smart cookie I am, I did a little research, and this is what I found:

"11 U.S.C. § 523(a)(15), was changed to state that any obligation 'to a spouse,former spouse, or child of the debtor and not of the kind described in paragraph(5) [“domestic support obligations”], that is incurred by the debtor in thecourse of a divorce or separation or in connection with a separation agreement,divorce decree or other order of a court of record, or a determination made in accordance with State or territorial law by a government unit is not dischargeable.' This is a very dramatic change which, in effect, states that any obligations coming from a dissolution judgment or separation agreement are not dischargeable in bankruptcy."

I told this fool this before he ever filed for bankruptcy -- even e-mailed him the relevant sections of the bankruptcy code, effectively doing the work of his attorney for him-- but still he included me as a creditor to be discharged just like the rest of the lot. If I haven't already made this abundantly clear by now, The Ex isn't very bright, and part of his not-very-brightness results in him consistently underestimating my intelligence and tenacity. I wasn't going to take this shyt lying down and I let him know this.

But...... I had no effing CLUE about anything to do with bankruptcy or creditors rights. I had about 3 months to figure it out, though. I asked people at work, and nobody knew. I asked a friend who is a creditors rights attorney at a Big Firm, and he didn't know (he didn't deal with consumer bankruptcies). I scoured the net, but all I could find was information for debtors wanting to file bankruptcy; nothing for creditors like me. As the May 4th deadline approached, panic started to set in.... I was going to get stuck with about $17,000 worth of debt that he was supposed to be responsible for. I didn't want to hire an attorney and pay him/her $1000 to possible still get nothing..... after all, I was only trying to get a determination that my debt was no dischargeable, it would not have been an order to pay..... that would come with the contempt orders. But finally, on May 3rd I found it.... some convoluted instructions and forms on how to file an adversary proceeding on the court website (don't ask me why my very-smart-yet-dumb ass didn't go to the bankruptcy court's website to begin with). Complaint, cover sheet, summons.... it was all there with instructions (albeit not very clear instructions that I couldn't imagine making any sense to a lay person, because they barely made sense to me as a non-litigator attorney).

I got all my forms filled out and printed off, and took them to the bankruptcy clerk's office the next day. I walked up to the window and told them that I was there to file an adversary proceeding. The lady looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently, they don't get to many adversary complaints in their office because it took 4 women to figure out how to get my documents filed. Twenty minutes and $250 later (yes, filing fee was two-fitty) I had my case filed and skipped down the courthouse steps and went to work. And yes $250 was worth it to me to show him that I was NOT about to let him screw me over once again.

I guess The Ex got the summons about a week and a half later, because when my beau and I were at Son's football bingo night fundraiser we had a bit of an, uh, incident. The whole story is complete hilarium and is best saved for another post, but basically my beau was cordial and said hi to The Ex and his mother, and The Ex responded by coming over to where we were sitting, leaning over and saying "I could be cordial to you if you would quit fucking suing me." Wholly unnecessary. I told him not to get mad because I wasn't taking this shyt lying down and I was asserting my rights, and that he should have figured out a long time ago that I'm the wrong person to try and screw over from a legal perspective (Ms. Cum Laude law grad..... *a-hem*).

So this is my [non-legal] advice to anyone who has gone through a divorce and your ex later tries to file bankruptcy and leave you with all the debt....... according to the bankruptcy code, those debts are not dischargeable. This includes child support and spousal support obligations as well. I HIGHLY recommend seeking out the assistance of an attorney if you find yourself lumped in with the rest of your ex's creditors in a bankruptcy filing, because most likely his/her attorney will go ahead and do it because, as I stated earlier, not too many people challenge this. This is not something that the bankruptcy court will determine on its own.... you MUST file what is called an adversary complaint or adversary proceeding, which is basically a lawsuit within the bankruptcy, and the court then determines whether your ex's financial obligations to you are dischargeable.

I must clarify, though..... the bankruptcy will discharge your ex's obligations to the creditors themselves, but not to you. For example, let's say you had a joint Visa account and your ex agreed to pay off this account after the divorce. He/she then files bankruptcy. His/Her obligations to Visa will be discharged (meaning that Visa can no longer go after him/her) but you will still be on the hook as a joint debtor. However, this is where the non-dischargeability comes in.... you may still have to pay Visa, but you can then go back after your ex and have them pay you back (this is called indemnification..... you should definitely have indemnification provisions in your divorce settlement agreement). Visa is barred from attempting to collect this debt (that's what discharge means) but you are not.

I am still waiting to see what is going to happen in my case. I'm still within the 30 day window for him (i.e. his attorney) to file an answer to my complaint, and then I'm not really sure what happens after that. I'm hoping and praying that I am correct in my research and conclusions. But at least I can say I tried, and I didn't just roll over and concede defeat. At the very least, I'm satisfied with the fact that he had to come out of pocket additional money for his attorney, because things like this are not included in a flat fee bankruptcy case. But more importantly, I stood up for myself. Nope, I'm not going down without a fight.

$%*& Honesty! (a rant)

2009-04-14T21:15:00.004-04:00

And now, before I proceed to do my taxes ~~at the last freaking minute~~, a rant [insert standard disclaimer on the use of the F-word here]. On honesty.....

Pardon my French, but fuck honesty. *gasp* Ok, so I don't mean that generally.... honesty is (usually) the best policy. But I'm sick of being bamboozled into being honest about ish that is pointless and moot and only serves to cause problems instead of creating solutions. My attitude is this: Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to! And the corollary to this is if you do want to know the answer, know what you're going to do with that answer if and when you get it..... good or bad. Don't LIE to a person and tell them "It's ok, you can be honest, I won't get upset" or "I'd rather you be honest with me about this than tell me what I want to hear." BULLSHIT!!!! Jack Nicholson had it right.... You (meaning most people) can't HANDLE the truth! I'm starting to think that people prefer to be lied to. Last time I got bamboozled into being "honest, cuz I won't get mad...." I ultimately ended up here. You thought I would have learned my lesson..... guess not.

So this past weekend I had an Ex Encounter (an ex, not The Ex).... two, actually (same person). Once on Thursday when I was out with my girl, the second one was when I was out with my beau on Saturday. I hadn't spoken to this person in MONTHS, even when we were in the same places, but for some reason this past weekend we actually spoke, which is fine and good because I don't like pretending not to know someone when I OBVIOUSLY do.... that's childish and petty and we should be beyond that as adults..... right? But what was NOT fine and good was that my beau got upset when he walked by and said hi to me the second time I saw him out, and was even MORE upset when I got up to go to the bathroom and ran into said ex and stopped to tell him to please not step on toes like that (whether it was toe stepping is a debate for another blog post). Thought I handled it well.... right? Apparently not. So then comes the ~~fight~~ discussion about whether I should be cordial to this individual, whether I should still be friends with other individuals (don't worry, loved ones.... that post is in progress, but I had to get this rant out) and ultimately it came down to the question of "Do you still love this dude?"

(Time out: Anyone who has ever truly been in love with a person and then breaks up with said person knows that those feelings don't go away the moment you say "It's over." And there are some people that you will always have love for, even though you know and accept that it just wasn't meant to be. "Love" is way too inadequate of a word for the range of emotions and states and statuses it encompasses. The way I love my kids is not the same way I love my parents is not the same way I love my friends is not the same way I love my beau.... but they all use the same word. Love and Love are not synonyms.)

So back to the question..... being that the word "love" is inadequate, I tried to explain the exact nature of the love I have for this person (and another person who is a good friend of the opposite gender and is an entirely different genre of "love"), and that I will probably always "love" this person to a degree, but it's not a "love" that I am actively pursuing. It sits on a back corner of a shelf in basement where I've put it over the past several months. But once again, I get accused of "lawyering" and he just wants a one word answer: Yes or No. Well fine then, in that case I have to say yes, even though it's much more complex than that.

I should have just fucking lied.

Because if I had lied and said no, or just told him what he wanted to hear, everything would be hunky dory right now and I wouldn't be engaged in the Mexican stand-off of silent treatments ~~and missing out on a prime week of nookie~~. I should have ignored the Siren-like lull of "I just want you to be honest with me" (as I crash and die on the rocks). My attitude and actions before that answer and after that answer didn't change a bit. So what's the MFing point???

(and hell, I even wrote about this a few weeks ago. And once again, I've been dammed for doing. FML.)

Personally, I only like random bits of useless information when it comes to trivia, not people. If I know of a problem or issue, I want to fix it. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know how you feel about your ex, I don't want to know how many people you diddled before me (just that you're healthy), I don't want to know the details of what happened in that relationship purgatory when we were kickin' it but not an official couple..... because what am I going to do about any of those things??? If you seek out information, you will surely find it, and once you know something you can't un-know it. So then you have to do something with that knowledge. You only have a few options: (1) stay together and forget about it or (2) break up. Holding that info over a person's head is NOT acceptable. So just don't fucking ask if you're not willing to either do (1) or (2) if you get an answer you don't like.

Ok, this is getting long, and I still have to do my taxes, but I'm pissed right now for getting conned into being honest and getting dinged for it (once again). I wish I could say honesty in and of itself is its own incentive, but fuck that..... I'm not getting much positive reinforcement for the practice of honesty these days.

(and fuck my taxes, too.... I'll do 'em tomorrow. I'm tired.)

Reunited and it feels so GOOD!

2009-04-13T20:05:00.009-04:00

I knew that I would see him again, but just not this soon. It seemed like it had been an eternity since we were last united, since I’d last felt his magical touch. I woke up that morning eagerly anticipating our eventual meeting later in the evening, and I busied myself to pass the time that stretched long and impatient as the sun made its trek from east to west. I made a minor fuss over what I should wear…. It had to be the right combination of comfort and style. I didn’t want to be too done up, yet I also did not want to be too casual, and an abundance of make-up was pointless because I always left with it smudged and streaked from heat and moisture. Finally the time had arrived. The drive seemed like 100 miles, 30 minutes seemed like 3 hours. I could hardly contain my excitement and anticipation as I made the trek up to Broadripple. I arrived at my destination and pulled up to the building; fortune smiled upon me as I found a space right up front. This was the moment I’d been longing after for months, but had prepared to wait for years. I walked up to the door and gingerly pushed it open. At first I looked around and didn’t see him, although I knew I was at the right place. Someone saw my look of confusion and directed me toward the back of the building. I walked around the corner and heard his familiar voice, so I quickened my step and hurried further into the building…… and there he was. After months of forced separation, we were reunited again. Time melted away and it seemed like nothing had been missed. We greeted each other and embraced briefly, but it was the embrace of someone who has been lost and now has been rescued. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He sat me down and looked me over, asking me who had been taking care of me over the past several months. I told him I'd seen one person, but that it just wasn’t the same; nobody knows me as well, nobody has his skill and passion. After I had few drinks he started doing what he does best. Relief flooded over me as I felt the worries drop away one by one. Then came the moment I’d been dreaming about…. His touch was both gentle and firm, and it took everything I had not to audibly moan with pleasure. He worked his hands around, rubbing and kneading all the time and stress and cares away. Rub….. Lather….. Rinse….. Repeat…….........................................

Ok, y’all dirty MFs…. I’m talking about my beloved loctician! I’ve got him back!! As you may (not) recall, last November/December Karma gave me a swift kick in the arse and deprived me of one of the few things that has been a constant in my life for the past 8 years..... and that is my hair stylist (or more accurately, my loctician, because he only does locs).

(If you don't remember what happened, it's best to do some mandatory background reading: Please, Karma,Not my hair And the follow up: In Her Shoes Done? Ok, proceed.....)

I promised that the story would be continued..... so here it is. The shop where my loctician moved to, and the one which I was not allowed to patronize for, uh, "personal reasons", ~~closed~~ is relocating. I'd heard a rumor that the shop would be moving, and knowing my loctician like I do, I knew that the odds of him moving with them were just about nil unless they were staying in the same area (unlikely because the whole area is prime retail space), but I still wasn't going to get my hopes up too high. Sure enough, he gets a notice at the end of last month saying that the location was closing in 2 weeks. (*Pause* Two weeks notice to GTFO?? For real??? Yea, he was NOT happy.) On the one hand, I was uber ecstatic that my time in hair purgatory only lasted 5 months (I was bracing myself for YEARS of exile), but on the other hand I refrained from instantly bombarding him with e-mails begging to be the FIRST client at his new location because I know how much he hates upheaval, let alone upheaval that has to be done in such a short period of time. So I respected his time and space, sent him a few encouraging words, but as soon as I found out he landed a new spot, I was on it.

Take out all the sexual undertones to my monologue above and that pretty much sums up what happened (I was going to add that one of my friends who is also one of his clients happened to be in there as well, but I thought the allusion to a menage would be a little much). He shaped up my poor raggedy locs and gave me the best shampooing of my life. He told me to hold off on color and that we'd tackle that next time (I was waiting on him to bop me over the head with a bottle of hair oil for coloring it myself, but I think he understood my plight). It was so nice to be back in the chair I'd been in for the past 8 years, through almost my entire natural hair journey, having done numerous hair shows and photo shoots for him. I don't even have to tell him what I want.... I just trust him to do what he does best, knowing that he knows me well enough to give me what I want. I was so happy that I told him to go ahead and do me up and updo. And just so you can get a GLIMPSE into this man's skill, here's the end result:

And this (hopefully) concludes this particular adventure......All's well that ends well I guess (well, for me anyway). Thank you, Karma, for sparing me of years of deprivation. You can keep that rusty fork to yourself, my dear.

Fin.

(Oh, and check out Thierry Baptiste's amazing work.... he is truly a revolutionary in the natural hair and loc world. You haven't seen locs til you see Theirry's work.)

Family Smoothies

2009-04-07T21:36:00.015-04:00

This past weekend I took my first "blended family" vacation.... a weekend trip to Washington D.C. to visit one of my BFFs. Actually it was more than just blended families.... it was a veritable family smoothie. I think we had every family scenario represented on this trip. Here's the rundown:

1. The Divorcee (i.e. Me) - I took my two kids, Son who is (almost) 15 and Daughter who is 10. I was married to their dad for 8 years, now divorced for 1.

2. The Single Dad - My beau has a son who is (almost) 8 who lives about three hours away. He's never been married, and he and his son's mother haven't been together since his son was a baby. We scooped him up on our way out to DC (even though it wasn't his weekend.... after much finagling and last minute kimfoolery on the part of BabyMomma, we were able to take him).

3. The Widower - My BFF's "partner" (but yes, he is a man.... she just hates the term "boyfriend" so we are stuck with this ill fitting and misleading label.... but forget labels, that's her love) is a widower. His wife died about 2 years ago and he is raising his two boys, ages 7 and 9. His deceased wife also had an older daughter, but she left to go live with other family after her mother died.

4. The Childless Single - My BFF has never been married and doesn't have any children of her own (much kudos to her). However, she has fully integrated herself into the boys' lives. She isn't sure if she wants any of her own biological kids (tho I think she's lying), but plays the mommy role better than I do (despite her protests that she doesn't know what she's doing).

5. The Foster Dad - We were able to (very) briefly meet up with a mutual friend and law school classmate of mine and my BFF who is currently a foster parent. He's divorced and has no children of his own, but last year he took in two boys, age 16 and 17 (which I TRULY commend.... how many single men do you know would take in damn-near-grown boys out of the foster system??).

I think the weekend went really well, despite trying to cram way to much into way too little time and trying to herd around 5 kids all over DC. The Cherry Blossom Festival was going on so it was a little crazy, but we managed to make it to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Street Fesitval, the National Museum of Natural History, saw a few monuments and landmarks (White House, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, etc.) and went to the Zoo. And because my Son came along, the adults were able to get out for some grown up fun at Lotus Saturday night..... all he wanted was to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet and he was good. All the kids got along wonderfully, and even Son, who is MUCH older than the other kids, had a good attitude and had a good time (I think).

Families come in all forms, shapes, sizes and make ups. Of course, the "ideal" is to have two people get married, have kids, raise them together and stay married til death do us part, but it doesn't always work out that way. And despite what The Ex may say on the subject, I think it's possible to have a loving family unit after divorce, single parenthood, or widowhood. It may take a little more effort (but what relationship DOESN'T take effort?) and a little more patience, but it is definitely a legitimate form of family. Forget form over substance.... what's important is love and how YOU choose to define "family".

(For an excellent resource on blended families, check out Blended Family Soap Opera. They also have a recent post about blended family vacations, and sometimes they feature my musings on the subject of divorce and parenting. You should check it out.)

Please....be a little selfish

2009-03-30T19:27:00.004-04:00

This morning I was listening to the Russ Parr Morning Show on my way to work, and the People Poll Question was about women who use their children to blackmail and manipulate men. Specifically, it was about a guy who had written in because after 3 years of being broken up, the mother of his daughter stopped letting him visit his child as soon as he started dating again, despite the fact that she'd had numerous boyfriends (whom she'd also brought around the child). This is a subject that incenses me to no end (or as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears).... women who use their children to manipulate men by means of denying visitation. I think it is the most asinine, childish, short-sighted and stupid thing a woman can do, and if I could smack every woman who's been guilty of this I would..... but then I'd die of arm exhaustion because it happens so often, unfortunately.

(The exception, of course, is if there are LEGITIMATE safety issues involved, and I'm not talking about "I don't know his friends/girlfriend"..... duh, you guys aren't together anymore, you don't share a life anymore, so of course he's going to have people in his life that you don't know, and vice versa. Save it.)

I'm not going to sit up here and say I don't understand the feelings associated with your ex moving on, and not liking the fact that another woman (or man.... baby daddies act up, too) is having a role in your child's life, whether that's because a ~~maybe-not-so-~~secret desire to be with your ex or just the ego factor (that (s)he's gotten over you and moved on) or whatever irrational reason drives human emotion. I get that. But I draw the line at using your children to lash out at your ex by denying visitation and/or poisoning your child's mind with negativity about his or her other parent.

If you're going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it..... I love my kids, but I love my "me time" as well. Ok, I'm being facetious and extreme here with the "selfish and self centered" characterization, but really..... I feel like it's a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they're not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don't have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don't have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don't have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I'm looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I'm going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we're picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he's going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn't let him go because it's not his dad's weekend and because he would be going with me (she'd expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please.... let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I'd be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she's been busy finishing up her Master's program and needs him out of her hair anyway.... or maybe because now she's boo'd up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably.... but whatever, I'm looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I'm a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile........or perhaps I'm just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he'd like. I may miss them, but I know they'll be back and I know they're well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children's lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don't need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to "show him a thing or two" and not let him see his child.... please, for your child's sake, be a little "selfish".

Organic posts.... good for the soul

2009-03-28T03:00:00.005-04:00

So yea, haven't posted in awhile..... I think perhaps because I'm out of the dating game right now so there are fewer adventures to report on. Yet, there are still Adventures in Divorce that go on daily, so I'll try to give a lil recap of the recent events, or at least just write something.

(Ok so yea, I've been drinking just ~~a helluva lot~~ a lil, and it's 3am, and I'm just getting in, and I'm hungry, but there's nothing worthwhile to eat, and so this may just be stream of consciousness which is the MOST fun of all the blog posts, trust.....)

So here's the latest thing going on.... I've planned a trip to Washington DC next weekend with the kids and my beau and his son to go visit my BFF and her beau and his two kids and we're just going to have a grand ole time going to museums and zoos and parks and all that good (free-99) ish. Well, my dear Son asked me if he could go with my Ex-BFF instead...... said she was going to take him to Boston and then to Orlando. My initial reaction was, "let that B take you places on your daddy's time, not mine" (and I didn't phrase it exactly like that.... ok, just left out the B part). Then I find out she just wanted to take HIM and was leaving her own children (ages 9 and 2) at home. WTFF?? (Translation: what the fucking fuck??) What grown ass woman takes an almost 15 year old boy across the country alone??? He said she had to go out there and look for a house (her husband is in Afghanistan... he's a contractor or some ish)..... why do you need to take MY son?? And on MY time??? Let me backtrack..... I had issues with my Ex-BFF when I was married because of her constant need to overstep boundaries. I would come home from work and she would be at my house chillin' with my husband and kids. She would also do things like show up to The Ex's job and go to lunch with him. Not. Cool. And when I would complain that I felt like she was overstepping her boundaries, I was accused of being paranoid/crazy/accusatory and that I was being silly because there was nothing to be concerned about.

Now..... I am a person who is not big into norms and such. But I know there are some things that you just don't do out of respect for others. Becoming tighter with your BFF's spouse than you are with her is one of them. But she, and he, just didn't get it. I thought I was done with all that when I de-friended her and divorced him, but now, once again, my toes are being stepped upon. It's to the point where Son called my MOTHER to complain to her about how I would not let him to with her instead of on the trip I'd planned...... well, she called me today IRATE about this B and said she wanted to call her and give her a piece of her mind, too. Let me also say that my Ex-BFF is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed..... ok, so she's certified crazy. I would NOT let my child go cross country with her period, let alone solo. I hope that this is the end of it, but I may have to put my foot in some arses if the issue is brought to me again.... both Son's and Ex-BFF's. I'm mad that The Ex isn't seeing the problem with this scenario and isn't backing me up on this (though I haven't talked to him about it)..... he woudn't want our Daughter going cross country solo with a male friend, so why is this any different?? And knowing Ex-BFF's past, there's cause for concern........let's just leave it at that.

Next.... I've noticed that I've gotten really lame since I've been boo'd up. I don't go out like I used to. And it's not that I used to go out to meet people.... I just don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just tired from actually working now. Or maybe its because I'm creeping up on 31. I dunno. So tonight I forced myself to go out to Final Fridays, which was a 27 and over event (27 seems really arbitrary, but whatever) and it was packed. And I didn't like the fact that it was packed. And even though most of the folks in there were in their 30's, some were still dressed as if they were in their 20's. Fail. I also had an Ex Encounter, which was somewhat uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as it used to be, so I guess I'm making progress and moving on. Oh, did I mention I went out solo? Yea, I was THAT determined to break the lame streak. Trust, it was a struggle getting off my beau's couch and driving downtown instead of indulging in sleep.

Speaking of sleep..... I need some. Sorry for the raggedy post. It happens. But it's organic.... gotta love organic. It's good for the soul.

Marriage......what's the point?

2009-03-16T19:45:00.006-04:00

Ahhh.... the seasons are changing, the weather is getting warm, newness is abound, which means one thing...... wedding season is upon us. Ok, so it means more than just that one thing (inter alia the one year anniversary of Le Divorce) , but it *is* wedding season. Thus far I've received invitations to attend two weddings and despite the demise of my own marriage, I'm actually looking forward to attending.

Yes, despite my experiences with failed marriage, my first hand witnessing of marital tomfoolery, my Adventures in Divorce, and my previous musings on the subject, I do still have hope and faith in the institution of marriage and see weddings as a celebration of a new life together for two people. My prior post about crying at weddings was written while I was still married and my own marriage was in a sharp nosedive headed straight for the ocean (it was written a little less than a year before my separation) and I was sad because I knew I'd lost what these two individuals on their special day had just found. So, while on that particular day I was mourning, generally I am happy for the couple getting married.

But then there's that part of me that knows that regardless of the degree of perfection that exists on that special day, marriages are anything BUT perfect. Four words..... Fifty. Percent. Failure. Rate. And even amongst the remaining fifty percent, I've seen enough of my share of underhanded tomfoolery to know that those people aren't all together because everything is hunky dory. So, statistically speaking, if 50% of marriages are doomed from the start, and the other 50% are riddled with problems and issues, one may ask themselves..... what's the point?

The point, in the great words of Andre Benjamin, is that everybody needs somebody to love. But marriage isn't just about love, its about building a life together and having someone who is always, no matter what, there for you (in theory anyway). Let's face it.... the free-for-all gets tiring after awhile. Variety and excitement and "freedom" may be fun for a time, but eventually you just want to know that someone is going to be there for you and that you have someone that you can build something with instead of just cruising along parallel with one another. Problems and dysfunction ~~and cheating~~ aside, marriage is a good, worthwhile endeavor.

Marriage is definitely a trade off, though...... you give up the ability to bail whenever you feel like it, the ability to make unilateral decisions that are solely in your best interest (and/or the interest of your kids if you have them).... basically the ability to keep all the marbles to yourself. But at the end of the day, what good is all that if you're lonely? Life is meant to be shared with other people, and sharing means compromising and sacrificing for the greater good. Even when you're in a committed relationship, you're less likely to go all in if you know that the person can just up and leave, no strings attached, at any time. When you're dating, all it takes is to say "it's over, kick rocks, don't call me and I'm not answering your calls" (ok, that's the simplified version) and "I'm taking my TV/couch/bed that I brought with me" (if you happen to be cohabiting). Divorce, on the other hand, takes just a tad bit more effort. Not to mention the whole "covenant before God" thing..... that's kind of important, too.

So what's the point of marriage if the odds of failure and dysfunction are so high...... well, I believe it can and does work for most people, even if it takes some trial and error along the way. Sometimes that first match up isn't a good fit and people got married for the wrong reasons, or thought they could overlook or overcome some problem and it just didn't happen. But if you have two people who are a good match and who are committed to making their marriage work, then there is definitely a point..... a very good point.

Maybe.....

2009-03-09T00:00:00.002-04:00

Zen Koan titled “Maybe”.

(A Koan is a story, dialogue, question, or statement in the history and lore of Zen Buddhism.)

A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.”

The farmer simply replied, “Maybe.”

The following day, military officers came to town to conscript young men into the service. Seeing the son’s broken leg, they rejected him. The neighbors gathered round the farmer to tell him how fortunate he was.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

****************

This koan is a perfect illustration of my attitude toward life that has gotten me through everything of the past few years.... my divorce, my job change, and all the upheaval in between. When you're going through a divorce -- or any major life change for that matter -- it's easy to feel like everything is going wrong, you life is destructing before your eyes, and it's tempting to view every setback as the worst thing that could possibly happen.

The reality is that we never know what life has in store for us next, and what events in life are setting us up for the next good (or bad) thing. I can't even describe all of the positive things that have arisen from the negatives in my life over the past 2 years..... people I've met, relationships I've formed, experiences that I've had, opportunities that have arisen. It's important to open up your heart and your mind to the possibilities of life.... THAT is what will help get you through the hard times. So the next time something seemingly bad happens and you're thinking that your life has just taken a turn for the very worse, just stop and think...... maybe.

Emotional Baggage...Thursdays

2009-02-05T12:31:00.005-05:00

This one isn't waiting for Sunday....

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking (*Note: ok, so maybe I have been.....)
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

If I was my heart
I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
This ache in my chest
As my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

A Lesson in Privilege

2009-02-03T00:01:00.004-05:00

Attorney-client privilege is a legal concept that protects communications between a client and his or her attorney and keeps those communications confidential.

The policy underlying this privilege is that of encouraging open and honest communication between clients and attorneys, which is thought to promote obedience to law and reduce the chance of illegal behavior, whether intentional or inadvertent. As such, the attorney-client privilege is considered as one of the strongest privileges available under law.

(thanks, Wikipedia!)

This past weekend I went to go visit my best friend from law school in DC.... just to ~~run away from my problems~~ get away and hang out and because I missed her and didn't get to come out for the Inauguration. I finally got to meet her ~~partner~~ ~~boyfriend~~ ~~gentleman caller~~ dude who'd been eagerly awaiting to meet me for the past 2 years because I am the Best Friend.... he'd met everyone else in her inner circle but me and our other close friend. So today were were having our daily e-mail convo and turns out that our beaus tried to have the exact same convo starting off with this question:

"So what did y'all talk about and say about me??"

And this, loved ones, is where the next law-inspired lesson comes in..... the concept of privilege.

First of all, I may have to burst you men's bubbles and say that we don't talk about you constantly like you see in the movies and on TV....we are not all relationship crazed, obsessive, can't breathe or live without you chicks. At least, my friends aren't. We have other interests, other aspects of our lives. But even when we do have our discussions, these conversations are subject to privilige similar to the aformentioned attorney-client privilege..... we are not going to tell you everything that was said and discussed, nor should we be expected to or have to. Conversations between close friends should be non-discoverable (i.e. we should not be asked to produce evidence of them or repeat their substance) for many of the same reasons that conversations between attorneys and clients should be privileged.

Everyone needs a confidant.... someone they can share all their deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings with without fear of repercussions or being judged. It's necessary to get those things out and sort through them, and it's even more helpful when you have a sounding board and can get feedback from someone who knows you and cares about you. You need to have someone you can get totally raw with.... someone you can vent to. And sometimes you need someone who you can be totally irreverent and flippant with, but because they know you and know where you're coming from, they know where your heart and mind are really at. Knowing that such conversations may be discoverable (in the legal sense of the word, meaning that you have to produce them if requested) hinders open communication. This is why the attorney client privilege is so strong..... the policy is to make sure people can be totally open and honest so that they can get the best representation/help possible.

There are just things you say to friends and a way of saying such things to friends that are only appropriate for friends and are not fit to be repeated. While this may seem like this is how you TRULY feel, I say you are only getting a fraction of the picture from it. Think about it.... how often have you heard a man bitch and moan about his wife, but loves her to pieces? Or heard a friend completely go OFF about her dude and the next week they are closer than.... well, I was gonna say Bobby and Whitney over a crack pipe, but that's a little dated. Anyway, this goes for men AND women..... I really don't care to know what you and your boys said about me, harmless or not. If you care to disclose it (waiver of privilege) then fine, but I'm not going to petition the court for an in camera review and force you to share it with me. I treat conversations with close friends like a diary.... it's not for my eyes, and you may say things in that situation that you wouldn't say otherwise.

So with that said..... don't bother asking your SO to repeat a conversation that may or may not have occurred about you. It's against the friendship privilege, and you will get an objection that has no other option than to be sustained.

Case dismissed.

(I am not a litigator, BTW *shudder*)

(oh, and corollary to this concept is don't bother asking your SO's friend for information.... you are not going to get a straight answer. Like a good attorney, friends are not allowed to waive the privilege on another person's behalf. Serious ethical violation, loved ones.)

"Oh dear!"

2009-02-02T15:02:00.011-05:00

One of my favorite newly coined sayings when I'm feeling upset/frustrated/bitchy is "I feel like punching a kitten in the face" (because think about how horrible that is to punch a small, innocent, bewildered kitten whose head is about half the size of your fist dead in its little flat face.... you'd have to be feeling REALLY cantakerous and evil to do something like that). So imagine my utter delight when CareerBuilder.com depicted a very similar embodiment of that feeling in their Super Bowl ad this year.

Anyway, around the 33-36 second mark is how I'm feeling right about now:

I think I need some help. Too much in life is starting to get to me. More about some of those things later (maybe).

"And meet a new lover, and he'll call you Gail...."

2009-01-27T10:39:00.011-05:00

Today I am ~~taking a break from my personal BS~~ featuring a guest "blogger" (she doesn't really blog, but whatever) who wrote a break-up song about a guy she was dating that I found highly amusing, so I asked if I could share it with my loved ones in the blogosphere. She wrote 2 versions, an original and the "remix" (the first is a ballad, the second has more of a punk rock feel.... not that we have actual music for it, but you get the idea). It's funny how 2 people can see a situation in 2 completely different ways..... it's even funnier when 1 person does it.

My friends are special.

So without further adieu, I present "Good-Bye My Lover":

We met on a rainy Sunday at a pub in Camden Town.
I was with him; you, with your friends – neither seeking to be found.
A storm appeared and you sought me out to be my calm
You charmed me and surprised me and I let my guard down.

An unanticipated affair - soft, easy and affectionate
None too sure if this could go, we took it slow and kept it innocent.
No talks of the future and little of our pasts
Nothing was expected, no demands did we cast.

We were a fluke – a chance meeting that never was supposed to be
I have no right to ask you where you are or what you want me to be
I don't need closure, I have clarity
Thank you for the opportunity
Good-bye my lover...

What we had was special but now it time to say good-bye.
I'll see you in another life at another place in time
But for now let's just say good-bye.

Staring out the window as the sun sets on my suppose-ed loneliness
My mind begins to question
And answers, "I'm not upset"
I never cheated
You never lied
You never stormed out
I never cried
Nothing between us was ever left unsaid
I only harbour fondness of the good times we had
We never fought or made each other feel pain.
There's nothing to long for and no one to blame.

We were an accident – a flame that never was
I will never ask you to be my forever love
No need to ask me for forgiveness and I don't need an apology
Thank you for bringing out the best in me
Good-bye my lover...

What we had was special but now it time to say good-bye.
I'll see you in another life at another place in time
But for now let's just say good-bye.

What we had was enchanting
A brief friendship in time.
No reason to be hurt or shed a tear
I live without wishing you were mine.
And for all you did my lover this song is my one token
Picking up the pieces is impossible because nothing's been broken.

With all my respect and best of intentions
Thank you for the memories.
Good-by my lover...good-bye

And the Remix......

We met on a rainy Sunday at a pub in Camden Town.
I was with him; you, with your friends – neither seeking to be found.
Midway through, he f***ed up and in to me you stepped
Thought you charmed and wowed me but you just made me upset.

You never should have sat down next to me that night
From the look on my face you should have known I was ready to fight.
I didn't like the sound of your voice or the way you looked
Whiny and plain like right from a Jane Austen book.

I swore I'd never call you but you kept calling me
No matter how many times I told you to get the h*ll away from me
I don't want to know you
You'll never be the man I need
Step off m*thaf*****!

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye.

Staring out the window as the sun sets
My mind begins to question
And answers, "I'm d*** upset"
You show up at my house
You show up at my job
You send me rubbish flowers
You never shut your gob
You try to earn my respect
This you'll never do
I'd never be seen in public
With the likes of you

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye

I wish you'd go kill yourself

You make me so angry
Stop pestering me
I'll never go out with you - keep your apology
Return to your dungeon alone forever you'll be

Step off m*thaf*****!

We'll never have a romance
No, we'll never be friends
I won't feel warm and fuzzy
And this is where it ends.
As for the restraining order - violate and you'll go to jail
And meet a new lover and he'll call you Gail.

Good-bye my lover, Get the f*** out my face, You never should have
been here in the first place. I never meant to meet you and you
haven't changed my life. Good-bye my lover. Good-bye.

Copyright 2009 "Mistress Amber" Ying

Emotional Baggage Sundays: Criminal Edition

2009-01-25T16:44:00.008-05:00

Classic.....*Sigh*

Fiona Apple - New Music - More Music Videos

(Too much emotional baggage for today, both old and new. That is all for now, loved ones.)

Let's do business (or not)

2009-01-23T13:11:00.006-05:00

Today I finally got my new business cards for my new job, so I am OFFICIAL. *Yay me!* There's no greater feeling (ok, so maybe I can think of a few) than being able to whip out your business card instead of trying to fumble for a piece of paper and pen, or doing the forehead to forehead thing trying to get your number into someone's phone. Business cards are a quick, simple, and efficient way to pass on your contact information.

However, on this new set of business cards I left off my cell number and my work direct dial (the firm is a-ok with that.... they don't believe clients should have unlimited access to you at all times). The reason for this is due to a lesson I learned at my last job by putting my cell number on my cards, and that is this: guys will shamelessly try and holla at you under the guise of wanting to do business.

Here's how it goes down: You're out somewhere at a quasi-business social event (which can be damn near anything) and a guy approaches you. Here's the typical dialogue:

Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm an attorney.
Guy: Oh really? I could use a good attorney! (everyone can always use a good attorney, without fail) [Insert optional story about suspended license/baby momma drama/Cousin Pookie in jail]
Me: Ok, well I only do business and corporate law.
Guy: That's great, because I've got this business I'm trying to get off the ground/know someone who wants to invest in my existing business/have a contract I need reviewed.
Me: *trying not to look skeptical* Um, well ok I may be able to help you out with that.
Guy: Do you have a card?
Me: *hesitantly reaches into Bettie Page card case* Sure.
Guy: Thanks! I'll give you a call sometime next week to talk about it.

*3 days later*

Message on Voice Mail: Hey, this is ___________. Remember me from XYZ Spot last Friday? I was wondering if we could get together and I can take you out to dinner sometime and get to know you better......

And that, loved ones, is the Holla Under the Guise of Doing Business (since I like undecipherable acronyms, let's call it HUGDB). It's hard to screen out because you don't want to blow people off who legitimately want to do business with you and you don't want to make assumptions about what a person can and cannot afford, but 95% of the time it's crap. But it's that 5% that you don't want to piss off, because you can pick up clients ANYWHERE (I actually had a client whom I only see when I go out, and we've discussed business right there at the bar).

Guys may see this as a legitimate way to get "in" with a woman, but it irritates the fuck out of me. On some levels it's a slap in the face to my professionalism when guys treat my profession as merely a way to get my number, because they're basically bullshitting me. And I don't like being bullshitted. And I also take it as an insult to my intelligence, which I take kindly to even less.

(This also raises another issue that I won't fully delve into here because I will end up on a tirade, but this highlights the challenges faced by female professionals, especially attractive female professionals. There's a certain level of schmoozing that has to go on to facilitate business relationships, and unfortunately this manifests itself as flirting and coquettishness when it comes to women. Some level of it its necessary and acceptable, but too often it is abused and nothing (i.e. no money changing hands) comes of it. I'm all for taking one for the team, but it has its limits.)

So guys, as tempting and easy as the HUGDB may seem, please don't do it. If your intentions are to ask a woman out, just be up front about that. Don't assume that just because a woman gives you her card it means that she's single and interested... it may just mean that she's a professional who is legitimately trying to network. It will save both of you a lot of time and embarrassment when you call 3 days later and get the blow off because you bullshitted her and are playing with her money (which, as Big Worm said, is like playing with her emotions.... bad business). Also, don't take it a step further and play along like you really want to do business with her (for example, setting up a lunch "meeting") in hopes that she will be just that charmed by you that she will forget the fact that you are bullshitting her. That just makes it worse.

(ok, so I once fell for the "We should do lunch" line that ended in [CENSORED], but we'd already met and talked several times before, and had been feeling each other and had obvious chemistry prior to the HUGDB.... I knew it was BS up front but proceeded for other reasons. But I digress.....)

Just treat me like the professional that I am.... that's all I ask.

You Don't Want the Cool Chick, Part I: The FUBAR Theory

2009-01-12T19:32:00.010-05:00

One of my biggest frustrations in my observations of (and experiences in) the dating and relationship world is this: people who like one thing, but end up with the opposite. Or, as I frequently summarize it in my rants to friends and any man who laments about how his girl is lame..... guys say they want the cool chick, but in reality they don't. They want that same whiny, naggy, high maintenance chick that they've been bitching and moaning about for all their dating lives. So my question is merely this..... why???

Let's be real here... as a self professed "cool chick" I know that I can be a bit hard to handle at times. The Ex used to say that the same qualities he loved about me were the same ones he hated about me. Being laid back and free spirited can come off as don'tgiveafuckedness, not tripping on your guy for wanting to hang out with his boys can be perceived as having ulterior (and nefarious) motives, and let's just face it..... some men are just downright insecure. And it's foreign, not what guys are used to, so even though they SAY they want a chick who can watch football, drink a beer, have mean oral advocacy skills and isn't ~~a clingy hosebeast~~ needy, at the end of the day we're the ones sitting having a beer with you listening to you complain about your sports hating, Fuji bottled water drinking, "you want me to put that WHERE??" chick.

Anywho, with that bit of background out the way, I've been ~~threatening to~~ saying I was going to write about this for awhile.... but I really don't have an answer. I'm really hoping my loved ones in the blogosphere can help me out with this one. But still, I have my theories, so this will be Part I in an indefinitely numbered series of "You Don't Want the Cool Chick", and my first theory is.........

The FUBAR Theory

So the other day a friend of mine hit me up on Facebook chat to say hi. He used to ~~be madly obsessed with~~ date one of my close friends, but he married someone else not too long after their split. I asked him how married life is treating him, and he responded with mixed reviews and said he missed doing fun things. To which I replied that he should be able to do those things with his wife, right? I guess not so much. From what it seems, he went and married the polar opposite of my friend.

Then there's my Ex.... he went and got himself a chick that couldn't be any more different from me if she tried. Appearance wise, personality wise, interest wise, sex appeal wise, age wise, everything. He got with her a few months before our divorce was finalized and fully moved in shortly thereafter. Keep in mind, loved ones.... I'm the one that wanted and filed for divorce. You would think I would be the one wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places.

I've seen these scenarios play out time and time again (because my friends tend to be a bit, um, "colorful").....boy meets cool chick, boy falls in love with cool chick, boy gets obsessively crazy about cool chick, boy loses his mind over cool chick, cool chick is like "WTF?", boy and cool chick break up, boy goes and gets the furthest thing from cool chick he can find and wifes her. The end. Or not really.... boy goes and cheats on furthest thing from cool chick because he misses all the things he used to do with cool chick (sexual and non-sexual). And that, loved ones, is what I call getting FUBAR'd.

I'll be nice and give you the definition:

FUBAR is an acronym that commonly means "Fucked Up Beyond All Repair" (used to describe the state of some equipment) or "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition" (used to describe a situation or scenario), which now exists in many variations. Although it originated in the US Armed Forces, its usage has spread to civilian environments.

(thanks Wikipedia!)

In other words, folks get shell shocked. I think some guys are so traumatized by a failed relationship with a cool chick that they really, really like(d) that their response is to run as far away from it as possible..... the most extreme form of the rebound. Not only is that person trying to fill a void, but they are also trying to neutralize the effects their ex had on their heart and psyche. They had acid.... they go get a base. Sugar..... salt. Adventurous..... conservative. Free-spirit..... stick in the mud. I think people associate the qualities their ex had with the negative outcome of the relationship. And THAT, loved ones, is where folks go wrong.

The fact remains that you like what you like.... at the end of the day those qualities that made you fall insanely in love with your ex are still what you are attracted to. But when you've been FUBAR'd, you convince yourself otherwise.... that you hated all those qualities, you hate your ex, and you vow to "get it right" this time. And just to clarify here.... I'm not talking about bad qualities, like always falling for the girl who treats you like crap. I'm talking about things like if you liked ~~pony play~~ creative sex with your ex and your new chick will only do missionary..... that's a problem. If you liked to road trip and travel with your ex and your new girl has never left the state.... that's a problem. If you like to get out and socialize and your chick is an agoraphobic homebody..... that, loved ones, is a problem. Because no matter how horrible you think your ex is and everything associated with her, and no matter how much you think you can convince yourself that you can learn to live without certain qualities in a person, eventually the facade all falls down. And then we all know what happens.... I'll give you a hint, it starts with a C.

Let me just put the disclaimer in (for myself) that just because you go get the opposite of your ex does NOT mean you've been FUBAR'd. If you are the dumper, and not the dumpee, well it's obvious that you weren't happy with what you had and were looking for something different. That is a legitimate change up and all a part of finding your perfect match. However, even in those scenarios I think it is possible to get carried away and go to extremes when you are unable to separate the qualities that you did like about a person from those that you didn't.

And that, my damies, I think is the key. Take time to really take personal inventory and really think about what qualities you did like in your exes. Don't just stamp a big label of HATE across everything associated with the person. For example, my Ex is outgoing and talkative, and I like that in a guy.... but I also like guys who have ambition and can finish something, and who ~~use lotion more than once a month~~ care about their appearance. But it takes TIME to do this.... time to let the emotions die down so you can see things more clearly.

So... if you find yourself in the wake of a WTFJH* break-up, be really, really careful what you start wishing for, because you just might get it. Don't get FUBAR'd.

*What the fuck just happened???

Demand More (Emotional Baggage Monday)

2009-01-05T23:28:00.001-05:00

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now with so much on my mind that I can't even make myself sit down to write it all out. As it is, right now I'm lying in my bed on the crackberry, just trying to siphon off some of the excess so I can go to sleep (please excuse the typos and random unfocusedness of it all...this is real time, stream of consciousness, loved ones).

I tried to sit down and write about finally starting my new job, but it was flowing out like cold oatmeal...just kinda lumpy and sticky and gross (yes, words can be sticky). I will just say that Day 1 did NOT go well. I cried. In FRONT of my new boss. It was so bad that the managing partner called me Sunday afternoon to make sure I was coming back on Monday.

(Sidenote: Why am I like really irrationally pissed off right now? I don't like it.)

I felt like I'd been dropped head first into shark infested waters and realized that although I'd come from the big town pool, they'd only let me splash around in the shallow end. I was effing terrified. And when my boss pointed out to me that I looked shell shocked, I lost it. Dammitdammitdammit.

More details about that later (maybe). I've used the analogy before about feeling like a zoo raised animal when it comes to dating....well, its the same thing in my professional life. And I'm sad and hurt and angered about it. I've come to realize now more than ever truly how much of a token hire I was at my old job....there to "check the box" as my new boss says. They took my talents and squandered them, and took my self confidence in the process to make me feel just the way they treated me....like I was lucky that they gave me this mirage of an opportunity and that I there must have been something wrong with ME as to why, even though my credentials were much stronger, my peers were getting the better experiences and work. I was a cheeta on a treadmill...look how fast that cheeta trots!

So what does this have to do with adventures in divorce? Everything. The same way I felt about my old job is the same way I felt about my relationship. He made me feel stupid, and like I was lucky that he "stepped up" to do the bare minimum to meet my needs. Between my job and my Ex, I felt very small and marginalized....unworthy of being able to step up and ask for what I wanted, and what I needed.

(Ok, back from taking out the stupid dog. *snuggles back into nice comfy bed*)

But now things, they are a-changing. I'm starting to fully appreciate that yes, I deserve more, and yes, I'm justified in expecting more. But old habit die hard, and change for the better is still change. And change is hard. On the surface I do believe what people keep telling me....that I've got "It". But deep down at the core, when I'm lying alone in the dark, coming down off my slight tipsiness from the 2 beers I had with my boss in the office, I don't feel like that. I feel overwhelmed. And scared. Scared that I won't live up to the hype....even though I know it's not hype because all this is earned the hard way.

I'll just be glad when I can shed some of this self-doubt and fear and anxiety and truly be able to embrace myself and all I have to offer to the world. And to myself. Over the past year and a half I asked God to put me where I am supposed to be. Now it's my job to take that and make the most of it.

Namaste, loved ones. Goodnight.

"Only got 4 minutes to save the world......"

2009-01-02T07:22:00.006-05:00

Ok, I have a few minutes to write this before I'm off to start the first day of the next chapter of my life. Yes, today my new job starts officially. Tuesday I went up to the office thinking I was just going to finally meet with my direct boss face to face..... I walked out of there with a stack of background documents and instructions to have a letter written to a client by 11am the next day. (and of course, I got it done) I'm going from a firm of 250+ attorneys to less than 10. And I'm freaking terrified. But at the same time very excited. But moreso freaking terrified.

Exactly a year ago I walked out of my old life at The Big Firm to.... nothing. No prospects, no clue what I was going to do. And The Big Firm was my life.... it was my identity. In 2008, I stepped away from everything I knew that defined who I was.... my job, my marriage, my home, everything. But you know, the great thing about it is that now I can start over and define who I want to be NOW.

My new boss told me "Just be yourself, and the clients will love it." *pause* *shrug* Ok. We'll see if they're ready for all that. I certainly hope they mean it.

I'll let you know how it all goes, loved ones......

Emotional Baggage Sundays: The Ex-Factor

2008-12-28T13:10:00.011-05:00

As my body struggles to recover from processing last nights' libations, my mind starts creeping off into dark and disused corners, nosing around where it doesn't belong.... yes, it starts poking around in the Emotional Baggage.

Let me pause and explain what Emotional Baggage means to me. Emotional Baggage is the stuff I pack up and store away in the attic of my brain. It's like the old toys you don't play with anymore that sit in your mom's basement, packed up, abandoned and forgotten (for the most part). I don't carry around my Emotional Baggage.... I listened to Erykah when she told me to put that ish down or I'd miss my bus ("You can't hurry up, cuz you got too much stuff....."). But some days, like today, some of that baggage falls out the attic, down the stairs and bonks me on the head..... usually when I'm feeling physically and/or emotionally crappy (e.g. when I'm hungover).

So what brought about today's Emotional Baggage moment? Ok, so I was admittedly doing a little e-stalking (yes, we all do it... you know you sometimes take a gander at an ex's Facebook/MySpace/Twitter page)..... ok, so I wouldn't even call it STALKING, just ~~masochistic~~ curious peeking via Twitter (Twitter.... the newest place for sneaky peeky spying) and noticed in his photo that he had on a piece of jewelry that looked very similar to a piece I'd given him as a gift. I knew at some point he'd broken it, so that had me wondering if he'd actually cared enough to get it fixed or was this just something new to take its place? I allowed myself to ponder this for a little while, allowed my mind to poke through the old Emotional Baggage trunks, then closed it up again and shoved it back into the attic.

This made me think about last weekend when I was out with my beau and his roomie at our usual spot, and I had an Ex Encounter with this individual. I thought I was cool about it.... we didn't even exchange any words.... but on the ride home I was told that it was apparent that the situation bothered me. Which, if I'm really honest with myself, it did..... but more so because I don't like being on bad terms with people even if I never interact with them anymore.... I'd rather just be at peace with the person and we each go on about our respective lives without wishing ill on each other. Unfortunately, I'm not good at masking my emotions (even though I'm simultaneously good at masking what's on my mind) so he was able to pick up on it. Then he asked me the question whose philosophical implications have been the crux of my EBS ruminations for the day: So do you still have feelings for this dude?

Honest answer: Yes.

But that's not the end of discussion. The real question for me is: But what does that really MEAN?

Honest to blog answer: Not a damn thing.

First of all, what are we really talking about when we use the word "feelings"? Yes, I still care about this person as a human being. But do I want or feel the need to be with him? No. It's more of a benevolent feeling as opposed to a longing one. So my "feelings" for this person don't mean that I wish our "relationship" (or whatever it was) would resume. I know it's over and done. It's just a fact of life that relationships end, and they don't always end because the individuals involved don't care about each other.... it takes more than love to make a relationship work. And just because a relationship ends doesn't mean the associated feelings simultaneously end. Even when a relationship ends ~~in a fiery inferno of hatred~~ badly, there are often some form of lingering feelings there (because the opposite of love is NOT hate.... it's indifference). So where does this leave you when you decide to move on? Are we supposed to wait until the feelings for the old person have fully dissipated before doing so? My stance on this is no, we should not. Of course, there's some level of healing that must occur.... if you're still reading old e-mails daily, habitually gazing at old pictures, ~~hitting them up for booty calls~~ and CONSTANTLY thinking about the person every single day, then yea, maybe it's best to wait and let your heart recover a bit. But if you know in your heart of hearts that it's over and done, then I don't think we should be required to be held hostage to old feelings and be required to put life on hold until those feelings for that person are 100% gone. So long as we are not acting upon those feelings, I think people should be given a little leeway in this department. We're human after all. "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."-- David Borenstein. I don't see myself as holding on to the past, but rather acknowledging and respecting it's existence and it's role, but I also permit myself to move on and seek my happiness.

Eartha Kitt: The Ultimate Sex Kitten

2008-12-26T12:57:00.008-05:00

Another one of my idols, Eartha Kitt, has died at the age of 81 on Christmas Day. Since I did a tribute post to the late great Bettie Page, I would be remiss if I didn't do one about the quintessential sex-kitten as well.

To me, Eartha wasn't one of those traditionally "beautiful" women, but it was all about the pure, raw, organic sex appeal that she put forth. How many guys out there really weren't mad at Eddie Murphy in Boomerang when he responded to the calls of "Maaaarcus, daaaahhhling....."?

Eartha was a woman who just oozed sex appeal..... the ultimate sex kitten. As my friend would say, Eartha had some serious mojo going on..... at EVERY age.

Eartha had such a distinctive sound and look that I just loved. You can instantly recogize her voice.......even watching cartoons with the kids, I recognized her as the voice in "The Emperor's New School" as the voice of the villaness Izma. And I'm sorry, but Michelle Phifer had NOTHING on Eartha's Catwoman.

Meow!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite Eartha Kitt songs (I think her rendition of Santa Baby is still my favorite) that sums up that demure naughtiness that appealed to me so:

RIP, Eartha.

Predictions of Change: Part Deux

2008-12-19T17:01:00.005-05:00

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.

~Sam Cooke, "A Change is Gonna Come"

I quoted this song lyric in a blog post I wrote back on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 in my old MySpace blog (and later republished on AID under "Predictions of Change (kind of eerie)") no less than 3 DAYS before the excrement hit the air conditioning and it was curtains for my marriage. I go back and read that and it kind of creeps me out.....Intuition is a powerful, powerful thing, loved ones.

Back in April 2007, I didn't know WHAT was coming. I didn't know in 3 days I'd be separated and on the road toward divorce; I didn't know that my career would take a serious nosedive (though I'm not going to say it ever crashed.... just was in a low altitude holding pattern for awhile) and in 8 month I would no longer be employed full time, didn't know I'd get to the point where I had to pawn old jewelry for gas money, and all the other bad things that I've recounted in this blog.

But here are other things that I didn't know were coming as well..... I didn't know I would meet such great people who have helped me get through everything and have held me down when I needed it most..... sometimes financially, but mostly emotionally. I didn't know that after hitting rock bottom, I'd emerge from the wreckage with the tools I needed to change my outlook on life. I didn't know that I would radically change my coping skills and become a much more positive and patient person. I didn't know that I would learn that I don't need as much stuff as I think and that I'd realize how much wasteful spending I was doing. I didn't know I would realize how to stand on my own two feet.

Well, a change for the better is finally coming, loved ones. I met with my future boss to talk details about the position at the firm that I will be working at starting in January. I'd just come from my $10/hr temp job feeling really beat down and loser-ish. I'd been talking to the folks at this firm since June... yes, JUNE.... about a position with them, but there had never been any talk about how much I would make there. I had mentally prepared myself for a serious pay cut since I was coming from a firm of 250+ attorneys and would be going to one of less than 10.

So I sit down and we exchange pleasantries, and then he puts the numbers out on the table. The best way to describe my reaction would be that it was very similar to what happens when a program stops responding in Windows Vista, and the screen kind of grays out a little and the "Not Responding" message comes up..... yea, that's what happened to me for about 30 seconds as he continued to talk. I'm not going to put all my business out there like that, but let's just say it is a SIGNIFICANT increase from what I was making at my old firm (like an 18% increase). And not only that, but my billable hour requirement will be LESS than what it was at my old firm. And not only that, but the firm is minority owned (but still diverse). And best of all, I really do feel like I'm going to be at a place where my contributions and intellect will be respected and appreciated.

I always say that everything happens for a reason and everything in the universe works out the way it is supposed to, and I'm so happy to see my mantra in action. Exactly a year ago I decided to leave my big firm, six figure job and step out on faith and a whim, because I knew I needed some change. This past year has been filled with ups and downs (mostly downs), stops and starts, lots of closed doors and false hopes. Yes, the negative things did upset me, but I never let them bring me all the way down because I knew that things would work out the way they are supposed to. Every time I got a "thanks but no thanks" letter, or no call back, or no response, I'd say a prayer: "God, please place me where I need to be." And when I'd get those rejections, I'd think "That must not be where I was supposed to be."

I'm not an overly religious person..... in fact, me and organized religion are quite at odds with each other. But I am a spiritual person who believes in God, and I believe that God is everywhere and in everything nudging and influencing the moving parts of life. One of my favorite books that truly had an impact on how I view life is Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist", and the main premise of the book is that the Universe consipires to help us reach our destiny (please read it, loved ones). This past year has really taught me to be patient and let God move those pieces, even when I couldn't see them moving. I'm just in awe sometimes when I think about how everyting fits and flows together, things you wouldn't even think have an impact, not only in your life but in others' lives. It's really too much to go into here, but just know that everything-- good and bad-- truly does happen for a reason, even if you don't see that reason for years to come, and maybe not even in your own life. But it all works out the way it is supposed to, loved ones.... it truly does.

The Notorious Bettie Page

2008-12-12T13:09:00.014-05:00

Pin-up legend Bettie Page died today at the age of 85.... I'm so sad. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE BETTIE PAGE!!! She's my idol. My fetish for hosiery, garters, corsets, ~~bondage, spanking,~~ and anything pin-up comes directly from this woman.

(check out those cuban heel back seam thigh high stockings....oooooooooh, makes me feel all tingly)

The first time I saw a picture of Bettie Page I had to have been 12 or 13.... it was in a store that's no longer around, Artsy Phartzy, and there was a Bettie Page t-shirt displayed on the wall. I didn't know who or what the heck she was, but I knew right then and there that I liked it. It's odd that I remember such a thing, because I have the memory of a goldfish.... that shows you how much of an impression this woman made on me. Needless to say, she has had influence in my life for some time now.

I just love Bettie's combination of naughty and nice.... in some of her photos she looks sweet and innocent, and in others she looks like she'll make you sorry you didn't finish all your brussel sprouts (or perhaps glad that you didn't).

To me, Bettie represents the freedom of the inner self..... that bad girl in all of us. Bettie was the epitome of sexy, the embodiment of fantasy..... the quintessential pin-up.

RIP, Bettie.

In Her Shoes

2008-12-10T21:12:00.016-05:00

So I had my appointment with my "new" loctician (who BTW I really liked and did a great job cutting my hair.... got about 3-4" lopped off but I think it's still plenty long.... seems to be more of a surprise to other folks more than it is to me, maybe because I rarely saw the back of my own head......). On my way to my appointment, I had a conversation with a friend of mine (my personal Zen Master of sorts) who was basically telling me that I need to suck it up, take the L, and let the whole loctician situation go. *deep heavy sigh* I asked for his reaction to my blog post from yesterday, and here's the edited, abridged, and redacted version of our conversation:

********************

Me: Thoughts?
ZM: i know it sucks to lose something valuable to you in this. *here comes the but*
ZM: but you don't know where this woman is in the healing process and thru this entire thing she has had zero leverage. she was the one who was hurt that had no control over the situation. so now she does and i gotta understand her desire to not give that up for you. I'm sure you know the second part...but the first part is the most important.
ZM: you've never been dumped even. i was the same way as you once until my heart was truly crushed and it took over two years to get over it...and it was not by _______
ZM: when it was hurt like that i felt to stupid for not understanding ________ and how she acted during our breakup.
ZM: so stupid
ZM: hopefully u will never know that type of pain luv....but if you ever do you will look back on his blog differently guaranteed

Me: I'm zealously advocating for myself here
Me: Maybe I'm mad cuz __________ is making ME out to be the petty one
ZM: i would not call it petty. i would say you don't know how she feels. u can't. therefore you can't be totally held liable for not being able to be in her shoes. if you had, you would not even be able to be upset at the situation.

Me: And can I say that I have been hurt in all this, so don't I get some leeway to be an irrational bitch, too?
ZM: .....you can always be irrational and act out if you like
Me: LOL
ZM: you can be selfish or evil or anything else you like if you want too.
Me: :(
ZM: I'm not saying you are
ZM: I'm saying you can
ZM: its your right. its like when white people get indignant about how "black get stuff for free". if they were black and truly "got it" then they wouldn't see that way
ZM: they have always been white. the majority. they don't realize the everyday subliminal benefits
ZM: its the same in this case
ZM: you are upset because you have never had to process that type of pain
ZM: if you would then you would get it and just accept it as part of life. you would not have anything to be upset about.

ZM: so hopefully you never will get it...but trust me on this. you don't understand where she is in the healing process
ZM: btw...you are still my friend and I'll support any rant you are on based off that alone. :)
Me: I fully understand what you are saying
Me: And that's why I started off that post on the subject of Karma
Me: And took the approach I did
Me: **long sigh**
Me: I wrote a post a few months ago about heartbreak
Me: And how it's the 1st time I've dealt with it
Me: Its not the same, I know
Me: But it was a nice lil portion
ZM: yeah i know. I'm not saying you don't know heartbreak
ZM: i know u do

Me: Guess I just gotta wait til the Universe is done fuckin with me on this one
Me: That's why I'm not big on revenge, cuz the Universe rights itself
ZM: u said it best in your other blog. sometime a person thinks they been thru it but its plain to anyone that has been thru it that the other has not. so how u feel is totally normal based on your level of past hurt
ZM: lol...and the universe does right itself

*********************

I mean, what can I really say to that?? As much as it is causing deep, painful visceral reactions in the core of my being, I have to say...... he's right. *recovers from violent convulsions* A good attorney not only knows and understands her own argument, but the other side's as well.... just as well, if not better than, her own. And my friend gave me a fairly compelling argument for the other side today. I'm not even going to expound on it because I think his words summed it up pretty well.

(Sidenote: I really appreciate friends who have the cajones to disagree with you and tell you when you're wrong, and tell you what they know you don't want to hear. Anybody can tell you want they think you want to hear. I believe that real friends will tell you when you're right AND when you're wrong.)

I have to finish processing all this..... I have a lot of conflicting thoughts that are swirling around dredging up old shyt that I've done my best to settle, and creating a big ole pot of Rage Soup that's threatening to boil over and burn up everything in its path (I actually wrote a bunch of other shyt, took it out, put it back, and then took it out again.... don't worry, loved ones, I have it saved for another day). But for now I'm just going to woo sah this out, bring myself back to the present moment, and enjoy my new haircut.

Again, to be continued......

Please, Karma, not my hair.....

2008-12-10T02:43:00.001-05:00

If there is one lesson I have learned in the last year and a half of my adventures in divorce, it is this: Karma is a hellafide bitch. And just when you think she's done with you, here she comes from around the corner again with her rusty fork to jab you in the arse a few more times. Karma doesn't just come at you in the direct, obvious forms.... oh no, she's much craftier than that. Like the obvious consequence of my... uh.... indiscretions wasn't just my dramatical divorce, my emotional break down, and the major upheaval of my life in general. Oh no.... she keeps coming at me in new and exciting ways that I'd never imagined! And the newest incarnation of Karma's wrath is to fuck with........

.......My Hair.

Yes, loved ones, Karma has made it such that my hair stylist of 8 years may no longer accessible to me. The only man I have ever felt 100% comfortable doing my hair, both before and after I started my locs. The man who is THE MAN when it comes to locs. The man responsible for folks coming up to me saying "Hey, you look really familiar" because I used to do modeling for him and was all over his marketing materials and business cards. The man whom I can go to, sit in his chair, say "I'm not really sure what I want" and he gives me exactly what I want. The man responsible for doing my hair and photos featured in this video.

I know this seems really odd and random, but it's directly related to my.... uh.... indiscretions. Recently my loctician changed shops.... he was previously at an otherwise all white salon and was the only black stylist in the shop. He had his own private room, nice and spacious, where we could chat and listen to music and carry on as we do. So last month he moved to an all black salon that specializes in natural hair. I actually had my son's locs started there and had been there at least once myself. So what's the problem, you ask? Well, a few years ago the shop changed ownership, and is now owned by...... can you guess? *waits 5 seconds for you to guess* That's right, my.... uh..... "co-conspirator's" wife. *long Napoleonic Dynamite sigh* Needless to say, she told my loctician that I am banned from coming into the shop. My stylist said he was going to talk to her about it (because I am his client, not the shop's, and I've been his client for 8 years, and he said he really didn't give a flying fig what went on in other people's personal lives, and it was all just business), but as of yet, I haven't heard back from him, which means I can only assume that this is still a yet unresolved issue between him and "management".

Now, I understand that I we did a bad thing. I know this. And I know people were hurt by it. And I've paid for it 10 times over (thus the reason this blog is even in existence). But all I want is to be able to go to my hair stylist. Period. That's it. This is not a situation where I'm trying to get into her shop just to fuck with her.... I don't want to see her any more than she wants to see me. I have MAD HISTORY with my hair stylist so it has nothing to do with her, her husband, or her shop. I tell people all the time that my loctician (and also my nail tech) could set up shop in a crack house and I would be there kicking glass pipes aside to sit in his chair. And I'm sure 99% of his other clients feel the same way.

(*Sick and ironic side note: The building where the salon is located is also the building in which I got married in 1999. It used to be a wedding chapel until there was a fire in the building, which someone else bought and turned into a hair salon. I stood right on the bricks in front of the picture window in the front and said my "I do's" almost 10 years ago. Fate is a cruel and evil bitch sometimes, too.)

I can understand that ~~she hates my guts and wishes for the cessation of my very existence~~ doesn't like me. But dammit, this is business. Personally, nothing would please me more than to take the hard earned money of my arch nemesis. But perhaps being the top undergraduate business student in my class and being an overly analytical lawyer has my brain wired differently. I dunno. She works a 9 to 5, so I know there are plenty of times when she's not there when I could come in for 2 hours, 3 or 4 times a year and get my hair done and be on about my merry way. Like my BFF in London says, it's not like I'm asking to come to their house for tea and crumpets. And perhaps I could accept and understand this a little better if not for the fact that just a few months ago she was sending me e-mail invites to events at her shop (which I politely declined) and sending me (and directly to me personally.... not a mass distribution) natural hair surveys asking that I forward them on to my network (which I politely did). Which then raises the question..... who is really being petty, and who is trying to fuck with who here?? Even throughout all this mess, all this drama, I've always respected her business and have had nothing but positive things to say about her shop. Whenever people ask me for referrals for non-loc natural hair services, I ALWAYS refer them to that shop. I have a greater purpose in mind, and that is to encourage black women to embrace their natural hair, and part of that is having access to people who can help them with that, regardless of my personal history or feelings with anyone. *refrains from fully stepping onto natural hair soap box*

So, because it's come down to the last minute and I really need to get my hair done for my beau's company holiday dinner on Thursday, I went ahead and sucked it up and called my loctician's former assistant/apprentice who is still doing locs at their prior location (she stayed behind and is doing her own thing). I'm hoping that this isn't a permanent switch for me (though I am fully confident in her abilities as a stylist and have heard good things about her) but rather a temporary fix to get me over this hump while I resolve these issues with my loctician. I don't want to have to take my business elsewhere over all this, because I really don't think it's necessary, but if I have to I guess I will..... and all my other friends' and associates' business with me. But I will always and forever give my loctician credit as being the baddest loc artist on BOTH sides of the Mississippi, and on either side of the Pond as well, and none of this mess will affect my respect and admiration of him as an artist and business professional.

(I could be a helluva lot more malicious and petty in reaction to this right about now..... because really I am still VERY upset about the situation for a number of reasons I'm not going to go into here and now, and I AM still a female (and you know how the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury........"). But for now, I'm going to be the bigger person, as I really try to be, even when it is to my detriment and I have no reason to be but for the sake of principle. We'll see how this unfolds, though..... we shall see, loved ones.)

To be continued......

My son doesn't have WHAT???

2008-12-09T23:50:00.004-05:00

I am so livid right now.... I just talked to Son, and my mommy sense was telling me something was wrong. Turns out he has been sleeping on the FLOOR at The Ex's "girl"friend's house for the past several MONTHS!!! WTF??? This woman is 42 years old, supposedly a "pillar of the community" (let him tell it) who is oh so concerned about children (she's the director a community center for fuck sake!!) and she can't even make accommodations for my son to have a bed. I know that she's only been a mother for a few years now (since she adopted a half-grown child and doesn't have any biological kids of her own) but she should at least realize that a child has BASIC NEEDS, even if my dumb ass Ex doesn't realize it.

I called The Ex right away about it, and all I got was him telling me that son WANTED to sleep on the floor, a hang up, and then texts asking if I'm drunk. NO MUTHAFUCKER I'M A PISSED OFF MOTHER CONCERNED ABOUT HER FIRST BORN CHILD'S WELL BEING!!! This is absolutely disgusting and inexcusable. And the thing that makes me even angrier is that I KNOW he's going to go back and yell at my son for telling me. And folks wonder why I got divorced?? You see what kind of dumb ass I was married to???? And what's more fucked up is that I got berated mercilessly when I moved into my apartment and my son had to sleep on an air mattress for 2 months until I could afford to buy him a new bed because I LEFT my son's old bed supposedly so The Ex could have it for my kids to have something to sleep on!! But of course, he left it in the house, just like he left everything else in the house, because he was too lazy and bitchassed to go back in there and get the rest of the stuff that I left for HIM.

Oooooooooh I am so mad right now!! And it hurts because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I think I'm going to send Son home on Sunday with the air mattress that I still have around here. At least that's something until those bastards take their heads out each other's asses and get my son a bed.

I just wish I could bring my baby home......

It may not be right, but it's real

2008-12-08T09:13:00.006-05:00

"Cause to me, it's, there's nothing that's personal and private, it's all universal. There's no experience that I have ever had that's unique. And the fact that there is just certain stuff that we share but don't admit to and don't talk about. You know, what is that about?”
~Ani Difranco

I talk about a lot of ~~scandalous~~ controversial topics here on my blog. And I try my best to keep it 95.7% real (as I promised, the good, the bad and the ugly). My goal is to share my experiences so that maybe someone else out there can learn from my mistakes or just see that they are not alone out there when it comes to topics that most people don't have the courage to talk about.

I'm really getting weary with folks out here in the blogosphere with holier-than-thou attitudes who act like they have this life thing all figured out (in their mid-20's no less....GTFOHWTBS), and sit parked behind their laptops in the safety of anonymity spitting out their unseasoned advice to the rest of the world wide interweb. I know.... that's just people. But life is a lot simpler when you're not the one living it.

I try not to take that approach to people and their life situations. We all fuck up. We all do dumb things. And sometimes it is just helpful for one person to say to you "You know what, I've been there, too" just to make you feel a little less lonely so you have the courage take off that cloak of shame and make some life changes. Empathy is NOT the same as condoning. Let me stress that again in other terms: Just because I can see your perspective doesn't mean I'm cosigning on it, and just because I've been through it myself doesn't mean I think it's justified or right. The difference between me and these other ~~self-righteous judgmental boobs~~ folks is that I'll admit that I fucked up, that I'm human, and that we all have the potential to fuck up. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's ok, but I'm just saying that it just IS.

I don't have all the answers.... I don't pretend to have all the answers. All I have is what I've been through and what I've learned, and I'm willing to share what I've learned. There are enough people and things in this world to make us feel bad about ourselves.... I'm just saying that I've decided that I'm not going to be one of them.

"I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge."
-- Igor Stravinsky